


Sowing Discord

by phoenixyfriend, Purrs



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Chatlogs, Crack Treated Seriously, Discord - Freeform, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-08-06 20:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 46,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16394381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixyfriend/pseuds/phoenixyfriend, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purrs/pseuds/Purrs
Summary: Klaus has a dingbot.Dingbot has Discord access.Dingbot has Discord access to aGirl Genius server in the real world.Klaus has a bit of a problem.





	1. Klaus Has a Dingbot

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone in this chat is an expy of an IRL friend. And of us. We're Borker and Miss Trixie.  
>  _Enjoy the nonsense._

They find the first of the clanks during clean-up, after the disaster with Miss ~~Clay~~ _Heterodyne_ escaping the Castle. They’re self-replicating, and get into _everything_ , and the only salvation from another mimmoth situation is that they appear to be helpful.

Klaus doesn’t like it. She’s a child of Lucrezia’s, and that makes him leery of trusting her on principle, but he can recognize the use of a small army whose primary instinct is to fix the problems they find.

There are a handful, no more than a dozen, that he thinks he can identify as originals, rather than the less-complicated second or third generations. Gil’s been too obsessed with that project involving Punch and Judy to notice the clanks, somehow, and Klaus is grateful for that.

Boris has a small team keeping an eye on what the clanks are doing. Klaus doesn’t like it, but they can’t catch all the clanks, and keeping an eye on them while there’s some of the first generation around to keep them in check might be the best thing for it, right now. Certainly, they’re clever enough to hold a grudge.

The little clank on the desk stares up at him.

“What are you _for?”_ Klaus asks.

The clank tilts its entire body one way, and then the other.

It pops up to its feet, grabs one of his pencils, and scribbles out onto a scrap of paper on Klaus’s desk.

_Assistants._

“To the Heterodyne Girl,” Klaus mutters. “You’re clever. Did she name your… line?”

_Dingbots._

That is… certainly a name.

“You seem different from the others,” he notes. “Is there a reason?”

_Communications._

“Hmph.”

He sits back, eyeing it. There are hinges, little gaps where he's sure the metal would open into something new and interesting. “Can you communicate in ways other than writing?”

The dingbot blinks at him, shudders, and then suddenly folds outwards into… something.

It projects a screen of light, a deep grey that fuzzes in and out of sight a few times before resolving into a nearly-featureless rectangle. A small line of bright green in the top left corner blinks in and out of sight.

There’s an information input panel, below. It’s all brass, with a scattered alphabet that seems to be missing a few letters, at least for Romanian, some numbers and symbols and words that he’s sure would make sense to the young Heterodyne, but mean nothing to him in this context. A second scan shows that the words he can recognize are all in English, which explains the lacking letters in the interface, but that only raises more confusion.

“Your creator was raised in Beetleburg by constructs from Mechanicsburg. Why make an interface in English?” he asks, looking at the eye that gazes at him from the top of the interface.

It blinks at him, long and slow, and then flicks up towards the floating screen.

Klaus looks up.

_Interface for specific system. System title: Discord._

More answers. More questions. He wouldn’t be this concerned, normally, but…

It only takes a Heterodyne two hours to start warping the laws of nature, and the stories he’s gathered from some of the students (before they fled, of course) suggests that Miss Heterodyne may well have been working on these in her sleep for… days.

And a system title like ‘Discord,’ by a Heterodyne, is definitely a cause for worry.

“What is Discord?” Klaus asks, looking down to the eye.

It stares down at the interface, blinks slowly, and then suddenly snaps shut with a _clink!_

The screen changes, and there is… something spinning.

It’s green, like the words and blinking line earlier. In the moments it pauses, it looks like a very stylized face, perhaps. There are words below.

**_TOP DECKING LETHAL_ **

**CHECKING FOR UPDATES**

He stares.

There isn’t a lot to be said for words like that.

Other than that he’s very much concerned for whatever the Heterodyne Girl _did_ to this clank.

Communications. It’s just communications.

Granted, the wasps could also be argued to be communications technology…

No. The vespiary squad cleared all the dingbots. They weren’t Other tech.

The screen changes, asking for input of… a username and password. Below, a prompt to register if one isn’t already a user. There’s a brighter green square there, looking for all the world like a button itself.

He tries to press it, knowing that some holograms have, on rare occasions, reacted to that.

This one does not, his hand passing harmlessly through the light.

He considers the interface below. Very well, then. There is probably something here that will let him interact with the button of light. The thing with the least discernible functionality is a wide, flat pad at the base of the brass interface, with two buttons below that are larger than the average ones here. He puts a finger to the pad, and nothing happens.

“Hm.”

He moves his finger, dragging it along just slightly, and something moves on the screen in concert.

(That’s some impressive pressure sensitivity. If he wasn’t so intent on figuring out the true purpose of this clank, he’d probably take it apart just to figure out how Miss Heterodyne did it.)

It’s small, a triangle with a small strip out of the base, like a particularly bloated arrow. A pointer of some sort, most likely, which means that… perhaps if he places it to cover the registration button?

Nothing happens. Very well. The unmarked buttons below the pressure-sensitive pad are most likely associated with its use, so if he simply pushes one…

He pushes the one on the right.

A list appears below the pointer. He scans through the options, and while they are all confusing, none of them seem even potentially helpful.

He moves the pointer over, careful to keep it on the registration button, and tries with the left button on the interface.

The screen changes, just slightly. Username. Password. E…mail?

The dingbot whirs unsettlingly, and a row of seemingly random numbers and letters fill the space, ending with ‘gmail.com’

Klaus frowns and looks down at the dingbot’s closed eye. “Did you mean to do that?”

It whirs again. Helpful.

Klaus looks at the username and password boxes. In the case that the system is one that logged names of those accessing, it is likely best to enter it under an assumed name, yes? Something that he’ll remember, of course, but nothing that can easily be connected to him.

It doesn’t take long to choose something. He finds it amusing, and while it is a little dangerous to make a joke out of his rank as just a lowly baron, and the way the Heterodyne Plays chose to portray him, he finds it unlikely that anyone will make the connection, if they even dare to look.

_Count Coward_

He adds a password, something long and unwieldy that he nonetheless commits to memory almost immediately, and leaves the dingbot’s ‘email’ alone.

He moves the pointer to the registration button, and clicks it.

 

> * * *
> 
> **\-- > Count Coward** is here to kick butt and chew bubblegum. And **Count Coward** is all out of gum.

Klaus squints.

_What the hell?_

There is a full page of words above. Almost immediately, before he can even read them, further messages appear.

> **Borker** Today at 11:08 PM  
>  HELLO NEW FRIEND
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:08 PM  
>  Hewwo

What.

More messages in that vein appear, some capitalized and punctuated properly, some with zero regard for either, and some with full capitalization that, given the context, he assumes is meant to convey excitement.

Communications, the dingbot said. This clearly counts, but communications with _whom_ is another question entirely.

He scans the page, trying to find information on what’s going on, aside from the litany of greetings. There is a circle on the left side, with the stylized face from before, and a rounded square with a… young woman? He assumes so. Next over, ‘girl genius’ with a downward-pointing arrow beside it. A list below, each with **#** before it, and one word brighter than the rest.

> **# introductions**

The word is repeated at the top of the page, and followed by ‘name, pronouns, tumblr- any basic information you want to share. not for long conversations.’

Okay. Introducing himself. That explains the greetings.

He wonders if there is a way to view older messages.

He frowns at the interface, then carefully picks out a message of his own.

It takes a full minute to figure out how to put in ‘H’ instead of ‘h.’

It’s not his proudest moment.

> **Count Coward** Today at 11:15 PM  
>  Hello.

He wonders at the confusing nature of the interface. Why bother to arrange the letters like this?

One of the people in the conversation immediately continues. Belatedly, Klaus notices that there is a set of smaller words below the input section that informs him someone is typing. He… assumes that means that someone is inputting a message themselves.

> **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]** Today at 11:15 PM  
>  Heya. How’d you find out about the GG discord?

The specificity implies that there is more than one ‘discord’. Perhaps more than one system using similar interfaces?

It takes him a moment to figure out how to answer that. To the side, he notices that some of the words were glowing brighter. **#theories** and **#off-topic** , in particular.

Several more greetings pop up before he finishes his answer. There’s someone asking if he wants access to… something called nsfw and homestuck quarantine?

> **Count Coward** Today at 11:17 PM  
>  I was directed here by an acquaintance.

There. Perhaps a little formal, given the rest of the messages he’s seeing, but an answer, at least. He adds another, soon after.

> **Count Coward** Today at 11:18 PM  
>  What is nsfw? And homestuck quarantine?

Again, faster than he expects, messages come in, almost immediately after each other.

> **Void** Today at 11:18 PM  
>  NSFW - not safe for work, AKA the sexy stuff  
>  Homestuck Quarantine - we had a bunch of homestuck fans here and there was a thing that happened that had us all talking about character classes and it took over basically all the channels, so we set up a separate channel for that stuff so it wouldn’t bother people who weren’t into it.
> 
> **Augusta Longbottom** Today at 11:18 PM  
>  Homestuck Quarantine is 90% joke, 10% 'when Hiveswap dropped that quiz and 208-sign chart, nobody talked about anything else for 2 days straight and we all decided to put ourselves in a shame corner'  
>  welcome to that shame corner
> 
> **Void** Today at 11:19 PM  
>  Same hat!
> 
> **Augusta Longbottom** Today at 11:19 PM  
>  Same hat!

Okay. Homestuck is apparently some… novel? Opera? Some sort of entertainment that generates a dedicated group of fans, then. One that is popular enough that many of these people enjoy it, but not so popular that everyone wants to hear about it. Certainly not popular enough that _he’s_ heard about it.

‘Same hat’ is… most likely slang of some sort. Context-wise, probably regarding the similarity of their comments.

He rather wonders how most of these people are accessing the system. Miss Heterodyne didn’t make _that_ many dingbots of this complexity and capability, did she?

He realizes they're still waiting for an answer.

> **Count Coward** Today at 11:21 PM  
>  I’ll refrain from both for now, I think.
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 11:21 PM  
>  Might be a good call, lol

...lol?

Klaus _almost_ asks.

He refrains, because he’s already seen it several times in the greetings, and has a feeling that asking that will have them suddenly questioning him.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:22 PM  
>  Hold up  
>  Quick question  
>  Just based on how you type and the not-knowing-homestuck thing, mind if I ask how old you are?

That is… probably not harmful information. He assumes it was his formality that gave the game away, rather than anything that told them _who_ he is.

> **Count Coward** Today at 11:24 PM  
>  I am fifty-seven.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:24 PM  
>  _Holy shit_  
>  I think you win
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 11:25 PM  
>  What do I win?
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:25 PM  
>  I think the oldest we’ve had in the server so far is like… early forties?  
>  SERVER DAD
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:26 PM  
>  Congratulations and I am so sorry about our bullshit.
> 
> **Void** Today at 11:26 PM  
>  [cough cough] Maybe move to a different channel?
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:26 PM  
>  Oh yeah. I think we can take this one to **#off-topic**?
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 11:26 PM  
>  Sounds good.

The messages stop, then. Nothing more.

The glowing words to the side taunt him. He can guess that they mean that messages have likely been entered there as he conversed in the introductory channel.

He still doesn’t know what’s going on.

He clicks on **#off-topic.**

A wall of messages.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:24 PM  
>  Like, I _recognize_ that your order was wrong, ma’am, but holy hell can you please not assume it was out of maliciousness? I will remake it for you if you ask! I will do so _gladly_ , especially if we aren’t busy! Come on!
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 11:24 PM  
>  Yeah, customers be like that sometimes.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:24 PM  
>  Side note: someone at the labs today used a mouth pipette and I nearly screamed  
>  _Why. Why would you do this. We have regular pipettes for a reason dammit you know how bad of an idea this is._

Klaus frowns. What other kind of pipette _is_ there?

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:25 PM  
>  You okay there Tommie?
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:25 PM  
>  _Absolutely not I am furious_  
>  Anyway, I’m sorry about the shitty customers, that sounded like it sucked.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:26 PM  
>  Nah, it wasn’t that bad. Like, I didn’t end up on the verge of tears or anything, just kinda swearing in my head for a few minutes while remaking the drink and after she left.  
>  God. Just. Soccer moms, you know?
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 11:26 PM  
>  Okay so bringing down the conversation from the other channel, I think most of us are 20-25-ish? And then there’s a few people a little older, two or three under twenty?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:27 PM  
>  *Smols  
>  Wait shit  
>  _Smols_  
>  There we go
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:27 PM  
>  How much sleep did you get last night
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  Not enough
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  Trixie
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  Okay like four hours.
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  TRIXIE
> 
> **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]** Today at 11:15 PM  
>  TRIXIE
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  LISTEN  
>  AO3 WAS SERVING UP THE GOODS  
>  How much did _you_ get?

AO3 is… going on the list of terms to keep track of and figure out. He needs to make an actual list, then. Pen and paper.

> **Borker** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  _Listen,,_
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  _WASTED_
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:29 PM  
>  How dare you meme at me good sir

Klaus is officially lost again. He managed to keep up well enough during the complaints regarding work circumstances, but this is a conversation beyond him.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:29 PM  
>  If it helps I did take a nap.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:29 PM  
>  You get half a point back.  
>  Do you have work tomorrow?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:30 PM  
>  Yeah, opening.
> 
> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 11:30 PM  
>  ...Trixie  
>  What time is it for you
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:30 PM  
>  11:30 PM

Ah.

Klaus looks at the times next to the messages, and thinks about the sun that has only just risen out his window.

Centered to something in their area, then?

> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 11:30 PM  
>  Trixie what time is opening
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:31 PM  
>  4:30 AM
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:31 PM  
>  TRIXIE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
> 
> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 11:31 PM  
>  DUDE
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:31 PM  
>  You are going to die
> 
> **Void** Today at 11:31 PM  
>  Just jumping in to say that _this is a terrible idea, go the fuck to sleep._
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:31 PM  
>  Lmao yeah probably  
>  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
>  But I want to finish the thing in **#theories**  
>  We are having a _lovely conversation on time travel_ and I don’t want to miss it  
>  Also the new page comes out soon and I wanna see it and yell with you guys over in **#page-discussion**
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:32 PM  
>  THAT CAN WAIT FOR TOMORROW
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:32 PM  
>  Nah  
>  I can nap after my shift, anyway.  
>  Not the best solution, but it’s certainly _a_ solution.  
>  And since I work in a coffee shop, I can caffeinate!  
>  ...I mean, espresso smell makes me nauseous when I’m sleep-deprived and hungry but whatever
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 11:32 PM  
>  Just caught up on the backlog and… dude. _Dude._
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:32 PM  
>  YOLO

The messages pause, then.

Klaus _really_ has to wonder what the point to all this is. He understands that these people are friends, and that the… server? The server is a way for them to maintain contact and have conversations they enjoy, but why does the dingbot access it? What is the _point?_

He risks clicking **#theories**

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:25 PM  
>  Okay but TELL ME IT WOULDN’T BE COOL  
>  Liek  
>  Okay we know Syn was a badass  
>  And we know basically nothing about the Muse of Vengeance except that it’s probs a Van Rijn? Like we’re 95% sure but it’s GG we don’t know shit until there’s four different confirmations  
>  And Syn disappeared in his hermatorium thingy under Paris  
>  And like  
>  I have zero actual evidence but _it would be so cool you guys_
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:27 PM  
>  Is this just an excuse to be gay over a sexy murder lady and robot lady at the same time
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:27 PM  
>  No  
>  I mean that part doesn’t hurt but no  
>  I just think it’s one of the options for ‘what happened to syn’  
>  And the other main option is that she’s Muse of Time? But we’ve got better evidence for Time Muse being Lu or Agatha so  
>  Probs not

What.

_What._

Syn is... given the context regarding Van Rijn, probably Euphrosynia Heterodyne, yes? But he’s never heard of a Muse of Time _or_ a Muse of Vengeance.

He looks at where it says “Lu or Agatha” and feels cold dread wind its way up his spine.

He reads on.

> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  Well, the Lucrezia thing is based on the memories Agatha got while rummaging around, right?  
>  And… wait, shit when did we say it might be Agatha herself?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  Some of the sketches in Van Rijn’s notebook look a lot like her in maybe-disguise  
>  And we know she ends up doing the time-portals based on Bang’s story in Volume 1  
>  Er… Shit I don’t know if there was anythignn else  
>  But the similarity in appearance was the big thing with Agatha being the Time Muse, but also that might just be Phil Art again  
>  We also got teh Lu idea from all her references to being trapped for a super-long time
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:29 PM  
>  Trixie you’re like 90% typos  
>  Go the fuck to sleep
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:30 PM  
>  DOn’t wanna
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:30 PM  
>  You are getting yelled at in _two different channels about this._  
>  _Soon to be three._ _  
> _ Go to sleep.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:31 PM  
>  :P

Klaus’s brain is buzzing.

He can feel himself trying to slip into a fugue, but holds it back. If he slips now, he might end up doing something like taking apart the dingbot, and he can’t afford that.

Agatha has Lucrezia’s memories? Visited Van Rijn’s laboratory? No, she only just found out Lucrezia was her mother, she hasn’t had _time_ to go to Paris, not yet.

They know about DuPree’s report regarding the time windows. They reference it in the context of a… a Volume. And then use someone’s art as a reference point for the potential invalidity of an argument for a theory.

He clicks to another glowing word.

> **#liveblogging**
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 5:21 PM  
>  So other than the eternal ‘Dammit Klaus’ that I get any time I think about what he did during and after Mburg arc.  
>  Which is most people, I think.  
>  I’ve been going through Corbettite arc thinking about the implications that it has about Doctor Vapnoople and his later reintroduction during England.  
>  Specifically, the fact that Krosp was designed specifically as a ‘secret master’  
>  I’m also thinking about what kind of person Martellus would have accepted as a teacher, but that’s more idle musing than actual ‘huh, this is super interesting.’
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 5:23 PM  
>  All I can think about is the dogs
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 5:24 PM  
>  Important but not currently relevant I think.
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 5:46 PM  
>  Sorry, had to get lunch.  
>  Anyway, you’re just rereading Corbettite arc?
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 5:46 PM  
>  And a bit of England.
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 5:47 PM  
>  Fun times.  
>  I think the two might be interesting to consider together?  
>  The Krosp thing and Martellus, I mean.  
>  Because Martellus… really likes to be prepared? The whole thing with the handcuffs in the labs.  
>  And Krosp was a backup plan for Dr Dim  
>  So  
>  The two might be related?
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:21 PM  
>  Jumping in way late but do we know anything about how high on the scale of difficulty it is to give animals human-level intelligence?  
>  We’ve seen a couple constructs based on animals, or insects, or arachnids.  
>  So it’s not impossible? Or even particularly rare?  
>  But the bears and Krosp are treated as pretty astounding.  
>  I just wish we had a better sense of what’s considered _really hard_ in GG-verse compared to us.  
>  They don’t have the same understanding of medical science as we do, nowhere near as much communications tech, lesser transport…  
>  (Though they are ahead of our 1880s.)  
>  BUT the thing is that we can’t? Compare that well?  
>  They can BRING BACK THE DEAD and their healing tech is ridiculous!  
>  But they don’t seem to have, like, MRIs.  
>  Or know what DNA is.
> 
> Do they even know about Pluto yet?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:27 PM  
>  VIVA LA PLUTO
> 
> **Borker** Today at 11:28 PM  
>  No.

Klaus stares.

They know things about Vapnoople that even he doesn’t. Krosp? Klaus doesn’t know who that is, but the connection to Vapnoople certainly makes them concerning.

He scans through the conversation again, eyes catching on the _‘So other than the eternal ‘Dammit Klaus’ that I get any time I think about what he did during and after Mburg arc.’_ at the very top.

He’s fairly certain they’re talking about him.

He’s not entirely certain, without further context, but it’s… they’re talking about current events, here. Future events, maybe? And as much as he hates it, he _is_ the largest player by his first name in the fields of both politics and Spark work.

Arc. A story arc, not an electrical one. Rereading. Earlier, they’d mentioned a volume, and art. They treat the entire world as hypothetical. Fictional. Separate from theirs.

They know more than he does because they’re from a world where he’s nothing more than a story.

Shit.

_Shit._

He stares at the page, ignoring the words that come up glowing, and tries to process that.

He’s fictional.

He’s not real.

Or they simply… exist in a different plane of existence? Tangential to time as he knows it, viewing his entire world as a story because they have no way of knowing it’s not real?

He can ask the Dreen.

Maybe.

They might not answer but at least it’s worth a shot, yes?

It hits, then, that they _do_ know more than he does.

And they don’t know who he is.

If he’s careful about it, he can mine this for information.

Right.

Okay.

He can do this.

He clicks another glowing word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [jazz hands]


	2. Klaus Asks a Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot going on. Klaus has more questions than answers. Still, it's something?

Klaus keeps the Discord Dingbot open while he’s at his desk, only closing it when someone comes to visit him. It doesn’t update very often, and given the time present on the messages, and the earlier yelling about sleep, he assume that most of the participants aren’t awake. In the late afternoon, he leaves for several hours. He has paperwork to fill out, orders to give, machinery to inspect, and a pirate queen to reprimand.

He comes back in the evening, just an hour or two before he has to leave for his own night of restless sleep, reactivates the Discord Dingbot, and sees that over half the categories are lit up. He clicks on **#general** , right at the top.

There’s a line informing him that 700+ messages have been logged since he left.

In just this channel.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and tries to figure out how to move upward. It takes five entire minutes, and then he find out what the little rectangle in the bottom right corner of the messages area does.

It takes almost an entire minute for the dingbot to reach the top of the conversation, with a particularly bright line showing him where the new messages begin. He reads through it all, more than a little grateful for the fact that speed-reading, while not inherent to sparks, is very, very common among them.

It’s religious theorizing, which surprises him. There are some images, he thinks, but they’re all informing him that he can’t load them. He assumes images may require more processing for the dingbot than text does, and resigns himself to it. Mostly, he tries to compare their conclusions to what he knows of the world. It’s an interesting way to learn about their own world, since they frequently compare the two, and enough of the people speaking are (he catches the word as he reads through) _goyim_ that there are a lot of questions about both their own world and the ‘hypothetical’ that is Klaus’s.

He rather wishes he knew more about his world’s religions beyond what was necessary for running the empire, and what he’d learned in Skifander. Barring that, he rather wishes he had someone he trusted enough to share this with that was Jewish, or at least knew about it. He files the thought for later, scratching it out in shorthand on the notepaper he brought; Boris is incredibly well-read, and Klaus has a feeling that Boris will have the answer if he bothers to ask.

Between all the theorizing, though, there are nuggets of information. There are things they mention about ‘canon’ that Klaus decides might be worth looking into. Old Man Death is a name he’s heard before, but hadn’t realized the man in question was still alive. The word ‘dybbuk’ is familiar, but its use in conjunction with Agatha and Lucrezia is something that only drives home the need to collect information on that entire situation. The same conversation brings up Princess Anevka of Sturmhalten as another host (they don’t take pains to differentiate the host and Lucrezia, as with the others, which he thinks is worth paying attention), as well as… Zola. He doesn’t know who Zola is. He jots the notes down anyway, and decides that Zola’s name is something he’s going to have to watch out for.

Towards the end of the conversation, Borker becomes Bork Mitzvah. This is not something Klaus knew could be done. He wonders idly how often the name changes happen, but figures it’s not particularly important.

 **#crossovers** ends up being nigh-incomprehensible. He only skims the conversation, and then scrolls further up and tries to catch on to what the whole thing is even supposed to be. His best guess is that they’re trying to mix the people from his world with some other franchise they enjoy, but even that is tentative.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:24 AM  
>  Y’all  
>  Y’all I spent my entire shift thinking about Lotonevka again  
>  I blame @ **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]**
> 
> **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]** Today at 11:26 AM  
>  _the plan is complete_
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:26 AM  
>  I still can’t believe we came up with a ship that has Lotor as the moral center and isn’t a bad ending AU of some sort  
>  I just keep running variations of the reveal through my head  
>  Especially the “Allura goes in for a kiss and Lotor’s just like ‘I’m _married_ ’”  
>  Also if I don’t write this fic at some point I have GOT to use the twinned planets thing it’s got so much potential
> 
> **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]** Today at 11:30 AM  
>  have you imagined her helping him pick out new outfits and private modelling shows because if not :ok_hand: :ok_hand: :ok_hand:
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:31 AM  
>  I mean I have  
>  Kinda  
>  Usually devolves into Tarvek yelling about Lotor wearing the same damn outfit for _ten thousand years straight who does that_
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:32 AM  
>  I love it when you get into this AU but also I gotta ask does the twinned planet thing apply to just Earth?  
>  Because if the Skifander-on-Mars thing ends up canon, then whose Mars is in place?  
>  Pretty sure Voltron’s is uninhabited until 2050 or whatever.  
>  Way after 2018 at any rate
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:34 AM  
>  I’ve been thinking it extends through the solar system?  
>  Mostly because yeah Mars is like. A thing.  
>  Definitely at least to the moon.  
>  And 1960s have pics of the Earth FROM the moon.  
>  So the different land masses would have been apparent?
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:35 AM  
>  Unless it was photoshopped.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:35 AM  
>  Don’t do this to me.  
>  Next we go to ‘the moon landing was faked’
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:36 AM  
>  The Galaxy Garrison covers things up! That’s canon!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:36 AM  
>  I mean I guess that would be an interesting development  
>  But also  
>  They’re different franchises that were never meant to be smushed together.  
>  Nobody in the creation of either canon ever planned for someone to go “I want Anevka to have a political marriage to a really old and really pretty space alien who has to keep her from killing people and bringing them back to show off like ‘look I killed that political rival, aren’t I amazing?’  
>  So it’s really up to the individual writer and not like  
>  An analysis of the canons
> 
> **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]** Today at 11:39 AM  
>  i love the idea of Anevka bringing home her kills like a proud cat  
>  ‘this is how you kill things that cause trouble for you, now you try’  
>  he’s ten thousand years old anevka okay he doesn’t need your help here
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 11:40 AM  
>  He knows how to kill a thing until it stays dead, Anevka.  
>  You’re just showing off.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:41 AM  
>  SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL MECHANICAL KILLING MACHINE AND I LOVE HER

Klaus genuinely has no idea what’s going on in this conversation. They seem excited, at least. He’s thinks he can interpret ‘canon’ as ‘the events of the original media, regardless of later adaptations, transformations, or theorizing.’ It’s tentative, but he thinks he’s got that one down after a few hours here. He jots it down.

More importantly, though, are the references to space travel.

He’s not sure why they think Skifander might be on Mars. He notes it down that there’s most likely some ‘canon support,’ to use their terminology.

They specify the years 2018, the 1960s, and 2050. The 1960s is treated as a reference to the past, as far as he can tell, and 2018 is specific enough that it _might_ be the year for them. The fact that 2050 is followed by ‘or whatever’ makes it seem like it might be simply a random number tossed out and forgotten for the flow of the conversation. Still, it’s all just conjecture, so he can only note the dates down as points of interest, rather than actual information.

He wonders if the 1960s trips to the moon were real for them, or just inside of whatever this other franchise is. If it’s real, he rather hopes someone posts more information on it; Gil would want to see anything they have on air and space travel, he’s sure of it.

The next conversation is easier to understand.

That does not make it… better.

> **Ultra** Today at 1:24 PM  
>  Krosp gets caught because Klaus spots him once and chases him through the whole Castle Wulfenbach because he needs to pet this cat.
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 1:25 PM  
>  the real reason why krosp was not destroyed with danpoople's other creation s  
>  yeeeees
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 1:25 PM  
>  klaus: KITTY
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:25 PM  
>  Klaus: you are a good cat  
>  Krosp: kindly remove your hand from my head  
>  Klaus: you are a better cat
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 1:25 PM  
>  PET THE KITTY
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 1:25 PM  
>  Krosp eventually decides he can be the power behind the throne here.
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 1:25 PM  
>  PET THE KITTY KLAUS
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:26 PM  
>  PET THE KITTY
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 1:26 PM  
>  PET THE KITTY  
>  do you think that krosp bleps
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:26 PM  
>  not intentionally
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 1:26 PM  
>  yes
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:26 PM  
>  Seconding both
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:27 PM  
>  Krosp: ...so as a powerful ruler, you can provide me with as much cream as I want. In exchange I will _allow_ you to pet me  
>  Klaus: sounds fair
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 1:27 PM  
>  Also @That’s Science! good cat/better cat is perfect
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:27 PM  
>  :smile:
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 1:28 PM  
>  ...would Klaus end up liking Tarvek better because Krosp keeps comparing him to a cat?
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:28 PM  
>  omg
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:29 PM  
>  Krosp: Listen, Klaus. We have a good thing going here. I like to consider you my equal.  
>  Klaus, deadpan: thank you.  
>  Krosp: But this Agatha is now one of my sworn subjects, so if you hurt her our arrangement may have to come to an end.
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 1:29 PM  
>  klaus: daw  
>  or  
>  klaus: only if i am permitted to touch the toe beans
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 1:30 PM  
>  The bears join the jägers working for Klaus without technically belonging to him.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:30 PM  
>  Krosp: ...I take my responsibility to my subjects seriously. I will permit it. Once.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:30 PM  
>  now I’m just picturing how things might’ve gone differently with a Krosp who likes the Baron instead of going “get away from him, you’re in danger”
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 1:30 PM  
>  _toe beans_
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 1:31 PM  
>  krosp: he's good at head scritches, which is of course a show of good character, so you can trust him  
>  agatha: i don't think i can ask him to scratch my ears

The conversation only devolves from there.

He clicks around through the other categories, mostly finding similar inanity. **#off-topic** is filled mostly with complaints about work and school, some jokes, and **Karen Red** excitedly spending half an hour talking about something called Young Justice.

He taps his pencil against the desk, frowning down at the Discord Dingbot, and then goes to **#general** and painstakingly types in his question. He’s been to Skifander, and knows it’s not on Mars. The fact that the concept was treated as a hypothetical instead of definite means that it’s not something everyone agrees on. He can get away with asking if it’s just conjecture without giving himself away.

(The information his spymasters have given him, in addition to his occasional, poorly-fated attempts at undercover work with Bill and Barry, mean that he’s gotten fairly good at thinking through the easiest way to give himself away. Asking questions about the wrong thing is usually a good way to do it.)

The answers roll in quickly.

They are also not encouraging.

> **Count Coward** Today at 2:01 PM  
>  There was a comment in **#crossovers** that caught my attention. Why do you believe Skifander might be on Mars?
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 2:02 PM  
>  Oh man, Mars theory.  
>  This is mostly based on stuff from the novels and what we see in some flashbacks.  
>  Also an offhand comment in Tarvek’s story about his and Gil’s childhood friendship.
> 
> **Void** Today at 2:02 PM  
>  Wait, you’re old enough to not really be on the internet and get Word of God info, right? Do you know about the twin thing?
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 2:02 PM  
>  It doesn’t ring a bell.
> 
> **Void** Today at 2:03 PM  
>  Yeah, Zeetha and Gil are twins.  
>  We’re pretty sure Zeetha knows?  
>  She seems to think it’s funny that he hasn’t figured it out yet.

Klaus feels his heart stop.

(This is metaphorical. His heart has stopped before. He knows what it feels like.)

_Zeetha._

She’s involved in this?

She’s _in Europa?_

The story can’t have gone to Skifander, not if they think it might be on Mars, but then that means Zeetha is here. In Europa. Where Gil is.

There are more words on the screen. Focus. He has to focus.

( _She seems to think it’s funny_ probably means that she isn’t here to kill him. Probably.)

> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 2:06 PM  
>  1\. Both of Olga’s accounts of Zeetha’s trip from Skifander to Europa involve things floating around during her fever. It’s the _only_ detail we get in the novels, too, that things were floating around. Might just be an offhand detail. Might actually be zero-G from the trip between planets.  
>  2\. During Tarvek’s story about him and Gil being friends, he mentions a few things that they theorized Gil might be. Among them were Martian Prince, Storm King, and Lost Heterodyne. We _have_ a lost Heterodyne. We _have_ a Storm King. What’s left is…  
>  3\. Theo’s story involves ‘green men from Mars’ and Zeetha and Zanta have green hair.  
>  4\. ‘Maxim Buys a Hat’ has the Martian Princess Sandwich.  
>  None of it is really _solid_ evidence but the fact that Mars comes up as often as it does is pretty weird.  
>  I think it’s mostly the hallucinations and the Martian Prince thing, though.  
>  The Foglios add a _lot_ of little details and they usually mean something big. All the twin stuff definitely did.
> 
> **Void** Today at 2:07 PM  
>  Ta-da!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:07  
>  Did some research, apparently Zeetha kinda looks like Lum, from Urusei Yatsura.  
>  Lum’s an alien, Kaja’s apparently a fan of the show, it would explain a lot, except she was apparently not a fan of the theory when people showed it to her, so.  
>  Ooooh there’s an entire LIST of arguments for it on the wiki.

Klaus can feel his eyebrows crawl their way up towards his hairline.

That’s not a lot to go on, but if they have no information on Skifander and only a limited narrative to work with, one that had a habit of putting in small details to build to a larger reveal, he can see why it came up.

More people toss in jokes, bits and pieces of evidence, and then a large block of text shows up.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:13 PM  
>  1\. Lucrezia had access to some kind of space travel, at minimum orbit, in the novel prologue. Seeing as she was the one who sent Klaus to Skifander, it’s evidence.  
>  2\. Mars is a lot harder to come home from than just a different country, and Klaus is a powerful enough spark that it could have kept him stuck there without a _really_ compelling reason to leave (re: Gil apparently being up on the chopping block for being a twin)  
>  3\. Skifander is associated with red mountains; there are no red mountains on Earth, but there are on Mars.  
>  4\. Barry’s stories to Agatha about Skifander, in the novels, are associated specifically with space and stargazing.  
>  5\. Apparently the pictures of Zanta killing “Fafflenargs” resembles some of the aliens in Phil’s earlier works?  
>  6\. This one is pushing the limits but hey what isn’t: Klaus never says “where on earth” when he’s wondering where Bill and Barry got to.  
>  7\. The zero-g thing  
>  8\. The Martian Prince theory Gil and Tarvek had  
>  9\. Green hair  
>  10\. Russian word for spacesuit is suspiciously similar to Skifander  
>  UPDATE: I am now WAY more convinced of the theory than I was ten minutes ago.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:15 PM  
>  Could you imagine if, once we have confirmation one way or the other, Zeetha shows up to yell at the Foglios during one of the questionably-canon outtakes about how Skifander wasn’t REALLY on Mars, where are you guys getting this stuff.  
>  And Kaja just says “Well, you won’t tell us where it IS, so we made something up! This is interesting and people are having fun.”

Klaus runs his eyes down the list, and has to admit it makes sense. It’s not _true_ , of course, but it’s a reasonable theory from their perspective.

It does mean he has to be careful about conjecture, though. These people are putting a lot of thought into it, and have information that he doesn’t, but the reverse is also true.

> **Count Coward** Today at 2:16 PM  
>  That is indeed compelling.  
>  Novels?  
>  And what is an outtake?

He considers for a moment, and then adds:

> **Count Coward** Today at 2:16 PM  
>  English is not my first language, and some of the words you use, like outtakes, are unfamiliar.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 2:16 PM  
>  Yeah, there are three novels. The first isn’t too different from the comic, mostly just panel-for-panel and word-for-word, but the second and third add a lot of interesting things that aren’t in the comic.  
>  Agatha H. and the Airship City, Agatha H. and the Clockwork Princess, and Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle. Each one covers three volumes of the comic, I think?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:17 PM  
>  lmao I’m still working my way through Clockwork Princess  
>  Stopped JUST short of Passholdt
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:17 PM  
>  Squeamish?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:17 PM  
>  Nah, just haven’t had the time.  
>  IDK if Passholdt would really be something to make me _squeamish?_ Horrified, maybe, given the massive ethical and moral violations and all that, but not really _squeamish_ , you know?  
>  Too caught up in fic and hanging out with you nerds.  
>  Oh and outtakes are uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh  
>  You know those parts where the story pauses and we get a page of Kaja and Phil in steampunk clothes pretending to be GG natives that came to our world to tell the story?  
>  And sometimes Cheyenne? Or canon characters?  
>  I’d call those outtakes.  
>  IDK if the Weasel Queen thing counts, or stuff like the Maxim Hat story or Cinderella. Cinderella might come closest?  
>  Hlep
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:19 PM  
>  ...with what?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:19 PM  
>  _what counts_
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 2:20 PM  
>  I think Weasel Queen and Cinderella count as outtakes? Not the Maxim Hat story bc that was canon
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:20 PM  
>  Uh.  For everything that isn't (ain't, phone? Really?) the main story, or for specifically buts where they pretend to have come from Europa?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:21 PM  
>  What about Ivo?  
>  Because that feels more like a flashforward, right?
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:21 PM  
>  Think so.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 2:22 PM  
>  Ht’rok-din’s time-travel thing
> 
> **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]** Today at 2:23 PM  
>  intermission shapes up to be a great umbrella term

Klaus rubs at his temples.

He knows what an outtake is, now.

But it’s raised _many_ more questions. He writes down a note to call Boris in to check the validity of a few things from ‘canon’ that they’d mentioned, and considers the rest. Kaja, Phil, and Cheyenne are names he’s seen more than once now, across various chats. He’s fairly certain they’re the creators of the comic.

The conversations move quickly, and often nonlinearly. The speakers are using a field of reference that he has minimal experience with. He’s not sure what a phone is. He doesn’t know what’s so odd about Passholdt. He doesn’t know who Ivo is.

There are a lot of things he doesn’t know.

But he knows more than yesterday, which is something.

He decides he’ll have to talk to Boris tomorrow. He just needs to check on a few things.


	3. Klaus Reads a Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ballad of Passholdt... kind of.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:34 PM  
>  YEET YEET, BITCH  
>  GUESS WHO GOT SECOND DEGREE BURNS AT WORK AGAIN
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 2:34 PM  
>  ...you?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:35 PM  
>  [jazz hands]  
>  Also we just got a guy that said hello into the order mic every 5 seconds until we answered…
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 2:35 PM  
>  oh no  
>  Trixie! stop getting hurt!
> 
> **Cassandra** Today at 2:36 PM  
>  please be careful, before we have to start calling you Patches
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 2:38 PM  
>  In my defense, this one was just a minor standard work related injury.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 2:56 PM  
>  Trixie!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:03 PM  
>  _We were rushing and I was on food, sometimes these things happen_  
>  Everyone who's been at a Starbucks for more than a month or two gets it.

Klaus wonders just how infrequently such injuries must happen for burns of that degree to be noteworthy.

He recalls that Trixie had mentioned working in a coffee shop. Perhaps this Starbucks has more than one location? Several, at least, given how she’d phrased it. 

> **Count Coward** Today at 3:09 PM  
>  Might I ask what happened to cause the burn?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:10 PM  
>  The tongs aren’t QUITE long enough to not risk burning myself when the food I’m taking out isn’t cooperating.  
>  Actually the oil from the double-smoked bacon sandwiches is usually a bigger danger?  
>  And the melted cheese gets a lot of people.  
>  I usually just end up making the dumb mistake of accidentally knocking my hand against the edge of the oven, though. Hot metal will Do Things.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 3:13 PM  
>  STOP GETTING HURT
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:14 PM  
>  Lol

Lol. He’s seen that one a number of times by now. He knows what a conversational shorthand looks like, acronyms picked up for people who want to minimize costs for telegrams sent or, in this case, the time spent writing.

The fact that he understands the _point_ does not mean he understands the specific acronym, however.

For the first time since he got here, **#introductions** lights up. 

> * * *
> 
> \--> It's **Kylitsune**! Praise the sun! \\[T]/
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 3:46 PM  
>  oh hey! i've faved some of your stuff on tumblr, I think.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 3:46 PM  
>  _pounces Kyle_
> 
> **Kylitsune** Today at 3:46 PM  
>  Hi! :D  
>  I return to the server again. xD;  
>  Mostly because I had way too many servers and then accidentally left this one and was too embarassed to ask for a link back whoops.  
>  who is a clever bean it me.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 3:47 PM  
>  You are a very clever bean, just also distracted and shy.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 3:47 PM  
>  mood

Oh.

Well then.

Somehow, he hadn’t expected other people to join or leave this little… community?

Well, this server.

He leaves a hello of his own, considers how formal it looks next to the other greetings, and then decides to leave it alone. They already attribute the formality to his age, and they’re not, necessarily, even wrong.

He needs information. He’s not entirely sure how to mine for it without something to go off of, and despite it being nearly midnight, he’s got a pounding headache behind one eye that refuses to go away and let him sleep. He knows that the Discord Dingbot is going to load up with messages by the time he’s awake, and no amount of trying to be ready for an early morning is going to actually let him do so. He’s done what paperwork he can manage alone, and drawn up plans for the rest, but of the five hundred things that always need doing, four hundred and fifty need other willing, awake participants.

And the fifty that don’t, he’s already finished.

He’s been part of the Discord for a week or so now. It’s almost constantly active, and he’s been trying to engage more often, at least to practice interactions. They tease sometimes, and it’s honestly a welcome change from the general fear he gets from most people these days. There are the Heterodyne Plays, of course, and the jägergenerals and Boris don’t really hold back, but those moments are rare.

He needs something useful to occupy his time. Something… hopefully enjoyable, honestly, but anything works, he supposes.

He eyes the list. 

> **#fanfic_recs**
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:58 PM  
>  I am facing a bout of insomnia, and thought it may be time to look into the fanfiction you mentioned.  
>  This is where I ask about recommendations, yes?
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 3:59 PM  
>  _hell yeah_  
>  Anything in particular you want to look into or avoid?  
>  Like, do you want AUs, are you down with explicit, that sort of thing.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 4:00 PM  
>  I do not know what you mean by AU.  
>  I would like to avoid anything involving explicit sexual content, please.
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 4:01 PM  
>  oh we get to give recs?  
>  >:3c  
>  au = alternate universe  
>  it can be a modern au or just a canon divergent au or a hogwarts au  
>  it’s just different from canon in an important way
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 4:02 PM  
>  Something that remains close to canon, I think.  
>  Or attempts to fix it.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 4:03 PM  
>  WELL MET  
>  READ WELL MET
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:03 PM  
>  SECONDING WELL MET
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 4:03 PM  
>  _chanting_ WELL MET WELL MET WELL MET
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  Also “It Takes a Village”  
>  And “With Mercy”
> 
> **Cassandra** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  Yeah, Well Met is popular.  
>  Also, thank you, Tommie!
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:05 PM  
>  And “Agatha’s Bad Plan”  
>  And “Correspondence”  
>  OH! “Dimo Becomes a General”
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  Okay Well Met is good but I’m gonna say the Dimo fic because it’s amazing  
>  And I love Dimo  
>  So
> 
> **Khel** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  YOU GUYS
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  It’s a good fic, Khel
> 
> **ThatBird** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  Hell yeah, Well Met  
>  And all the ones that Tommie’s suggesting  
>  For reference, Count, Cass wrote It Takes a Village and Khel did Well Met and Agatha’s Bad Plan.  
>  Actually I think **@Demeter's Daughter** was behind Well Met, too?
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  “A Family Reconstructed” is really damn cute  
>  “A Trip with Consequences” is… probably not what you’re looking for but it’s fun  
>  I think that’s all the big ones?
> 
> **Khel** 4:07 PM  
>  We're co-writers and the fic(s) wouldn't be happening without her.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:07 PM  
>  These are all great  
>  Do you want to know what’s shortest or something to narrow it down?  
>  Or the general concept?
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 4:08 PM  
>  That would be helpful.
> 
> **Macnamara** Today at 4:08 PM  
>  _Well Met_

These people write quite a lot of speculative fiction about his world.

They also apparently very much would like for him to read “Well Met.” 

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:12 PM  
>  Well Met - Barry doesn’t get the idea that Klaus is the Other like in canon, comes to find him as soon as he rescues baby Agatha from the Geisters, and things progress from there (Long, complete)  
>    
>  It Takes a Village - Instead of being raised by Punch and Judy, Agatha’s raised by basically the entire village of Mechanicsburg (mostly Gkika and Carson IIRC) (Long, complete)  
>    
>  With Mercy - Agatha turns herself in after Sturmhalten out of fear of what Lu-in-her-head might do, things look like they’re about to go well, then go incredibly poorly because Klaus is a paranoid fuck (mid-length, incomplete)  
>    
>  Agatha’s Bad Plan - Agatha tries to save Passholdt, fails miserably, ends up on CW when Klaus shows up to take care of… uh… That. Similar premise to With Mercy, but WAY more optimistic. Touches on a lot of stuff that canon does in a way that’s pretty fun. (Long, arguably incomplete? It’s a series, with lots of individually completed one-shots)  
>    
>  Correspondence - Agatha and Klaus write letters to each other while she’s trying to fix CH and he’s stuck in the great hospital, and it works out pretty well! (short-mid, complete)  
>    
>  Dimo Becomes a General - not an AU! This one is a potential idea of how Dimo became a general during the timeskip after Klaus trapped Mburg in the bubble (mid-length, complete)  
>    
>  A Family Reconstructed - 8-year-old Gil is so desperate to find family members that he breaks through and creates a portal device to take him to a blood relative! He ends up with Zeetha. Shenanigans ensue with the kids while the adults all panic. (short-mid, incomplete)  
>    
>  A Trip with Consequences - Agatha goes to Paris pre-canon, meets Gil and Tarvek, makes friends. Gets very drunk one night before leaving, and has a not-so-surprise nine months later, courtesy of her apparent decision to seduce Gil. Gil isn’t responding to letters, so she writes to Tarvek to ask if he can be her kid’s godparent for safety reasons. (Short, incomplete, and JUST ABOUT TO GET TO THE GOOD PART)

Klaus stares.

His mind whirls.

 _Good heavens_ is not enough. It’s not _nearly_ enough.

Barry thought _what?_

Agatha was _where?_

Carson is _alive?_

Sturmhalten is where Lucrezia finds her way into her daughter’s head, then? He was wondering about that. He still wants more details, but he resolves to ensure that Miss Heterodyne will _not_ go to Sturmhalten. Regardless of what has happened in the comic, right now in the real Europa the Other has not returned, and he will _keep it that way._

(While he doesn’t quite recognize the phrasing, he can, in fact, admit to being something of a… ‘paranoid fuck.’)

There’s another reference to Passholdt; apparently, it is (or will be) in need of saving.

When does he end up in the hospital? How long is he there for? What _happened?_

_What did he do to Mechanicsburg?_

(Below the whirl of everything in his mind, he notes down the assumption that CH and CW refer to Castle Heterodyne and Castle Wulfenbach, respectively.)

He doesn’t know who Dimo is, but any kind of general is worth looking into.

The last two of the suggested fics are… respectively, too guilt-inducing and too _odd_ to consider. He doubts the latter would help at all, really. 

> **Count Coward** Today at 4:17 PM  
>  I suppose I should look into Well Met.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 4:18 PM  
>  _Fuck yeah_
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 4:18 PM  
>  Correspondence and Dimo Becomes a General also seem interesting? As does Agatha’s Bad Plan.  
>  It sounds as though the second one is mostly conjecture.
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 4:18 PM  
>  FUCK YEAH  
>  And yeah it is  
>  Fun and mostly reasonable, though!
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:19 PM  
>  <https://archiveofourown.org/series/84529>  
>  <https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806001>  
>  <https://archiveofourown.org/series/180779>  
>  <https://archiveofourown.org/works/895745>  
>  Ta-da!  
>  Do you want links to the other ones too?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:19 PM  
>  Antro’s right, the Dimo fic is definitely fun conjecture.  
>  Also, Antro…  
>  Your ‘horny on main for Dimo’ is showing~~~!
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 4:20 PM  
>  DO I NEED TO BRING UP ANEVKA
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:20 PM  
>  I mean  
>  You don’t NEED to  
>  I will gladly sob about the murdery robolady without any prompting whatsoever  
>  And IDK if “horny” is the right word for me here
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 4:21 PM  
>  I’ll take those links, thank you.
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 4:21 PM  
>  LISTEN HERE
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:21 PM  
>  I’m listening  
>  Hey Antro  
>  How’s that thing for the dad bod coming
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 4:21 PM  
>  MEET ME IN **#nsfw_dark** FOR BATTLE AT DAWN
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:22 PM  
>  Is this gonna be about ‘daddy’ again
> 
> **Void** Today at 4:22 PM  
>  And that’s where this ends. Take it to **#nsfw** , at least, come on guys.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:22 PM  
>  Yeah, sorry, that one was on me.

Klaus now has a better idea of what a link is.

He is also once again reminded of how _young_ most of these people are.

_Children._

He moves back up to look at the summaries and lengths that had been provided.

He isn’t quite sure how these ‘links’ work, but most of what he’s seen here so far involves simply placing the little arrow over something and clicking the left button.

(The right one, he’s found, tends to have rather different effects.)

He opens up _Agatha’s Bad Plan._

o.o.o.o.o

  * __Master Payne - circus - trusted by Agatha??? - believe that I will do what’s right and necessary, even when not palatable; implied by narrative to be reasonable figure of authority for Agatha__


  * _Passholdt - monsters - mindless beasts - revenants?_


  * _Agatha has heroic streak, summary suggests it is less present in current reality, dislikes Othar_


  * _Has jägers with her? Not many, only three by name_


  * _ZEETHA - has taken Agatha as zumil, clearly close_


  * _Krosp is the talking cat, clearly clever at minimum_


  * _Agatha - concerned with survivors in particular, rather than net survival of town decimation - au element?_


  * _Dimo - green_ _  
__Maxim - purple_ _  
__Ognian - relatively human, odd feet?_


  * _Has used the dingbots to aid the circus, circus may not be aware?_


  * _Zeetha has Qa’atara? May just be a reference_


  * _\--Sensible girl_


  * _Lars and Augie, friends, Lars suggested to be onstage romantic partner? Gil will be disappointed if so_


  * _Memory of Barry, Agatha’s too young to remember clearly; may be relevant?_


  * _PASSHOLDT_


  * _\--Elongated creatures_


  * _\--Used to be human_


  * _\--Remain at rest inside the town?_


  * _\--Attacked circus previously, necessitated bridge destruction_


  * _\--LARGE POPULATION_


  * _\--Cannibalistic??? Only eat unchanged humans?_


  * _Agatha - unrealistic hope for survivors, may be feature of story and not actual girl_


  * _Realistic cat, may have grasp of military strategy, may just have COMMON SENSE_


  * _Zeetha injured, only feature of story but suggests that while skilled, not as skilled as mother or jägerkin, may be taking greater damage to protect zumil_


  * _Dimo - sensible, Ognian (Oggie) - optimistic, Maxim - Romantic?_


  * _\--Ognian - weapon with long reach?_


  * _Jägers also injured, Zeetha’s skill then on par with them?_


  * _HETERODYNES_


  * _Sincere dedication to writing the jäger accent for some reason_


  * _Zeetha - twin swords_


  * _Passholdt monsters all townspeople, primarily adults; several children, but remains suggest children died early_


  * _Dimo seems to take charge easily; may be early signs of why he becomes a jägergeneral?_


  * _Laboratory IN town_


  * _Dingbots providing replacement death rays for Agatha_


  * _Please tell me the reflexive reaction of “if there were any survivors” is a result of the damage of the percussive waves from the bombs, or the story premise…_


  * _\--Denial_


  * _Not an entirely inaccurate portrayal - certainly better than the plays_


  * _Despite the irritation the people in the server display with my actions, I am being portrayed as reasonable. Comparable to their canon?_


  * _Oh good, they know DuPree._


  * _Kolee-dok-zumil relationship apparent and strong_


  * _SEQUEL_


  * _She knows Zoing_


  * _Still holds some affection for Gil despite circus beau? Unclear_


  * _...in hindsight, I would assume that any Skifandrian woman to approach Gil was attempting to kill him without evidence otherwise._



Klaus does not sleep that night.

He binges the entire series of stories, noting down what seems to be fact, what seems to be fiction, and what he has reason to suspect is only present due to the nature of the story.

Then he goes over his notes, organizing them on a new page, forging plans and contingencies and ‘what if this element is the author’s choice, while this other one is their canon?’

Boris finds him, still at his desk, at 7:34 AM.

“Herr Baron?”

“I need you to send a questor to Passholdt,” Klaus says without preamble. “An airship capable of surveying a situation from the skies, possibly ready to bombard it entirely if necessary. I’ve been given information that suggests it may, in fact, be necessary.”

If Boris is surprised by this, he doesn’t show it. “I’ll find someone, Herr Baron. Should I warn them of what they might find?”

“A corrupted form of revenant prone to cannibalism and capable of injuring jägerkin through sheer numbers, most likely,” Klaus says. His eyes skip down the notes. So many things that need to be approached more carefully than he can afford… but.

“And send me Mistress Von Pinn. I believe I’d like to have a few words with her.”


	4. Klaus Has a Headcanon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Muse.
> 
> A conversation.
> 
> And the start of something new.

“Herr Baron?”

“Mistress Von Pinn,” Klaus says. Something in his chest twists. This is going to be confirmation, one way or the other. “Take a seat.”

“I have no need,” she says, face twisting. Klaus considers that, perhaps, her clothing makes it difficult for her to sit.

(He wonders if the stories were right, that she took to these dresses because they fit so tightly that she doesn’t need to _feel_.)

“So be it,” he says. He presses a button on the underside of his desk, and a slight humming noise enters the air as a number of the little surprises Klaus has in the walls activate. Any listening devices are rendered inactive, and no sound will escape. Their conversation will be secure.

“What is this about?” Von Pinn asks. She doesn’t shift about nervously, but there is an air of tension about her. More likely than not, she is eager to return to her charges.

“I recently gained access to a device that allows for gathering of information I’d otherwise not have had access to,” Klaus says. He folds his hands on the table and gives Von Pinn a serious look. “Given that the device was created by Agatha Heterodyne, I’ve a wish to check the veracity of the information first. Some of the most easily confirmed pieces of information were about yourself.”

There is a noise, the soft squeak of aged leather on leather, as Von Pinn’s hands tighten into fists. She does not say anything, just watches him.

“There is no easy way to ask this. I will assume that you had no way of telling me this, if it’s true, and hopefully you’ll be able to talk about it after I’ve made it clear that I know.” He makes sure to look her in the eye, holding her gaze as he carefully says the things he’d read and considered most likely to be true. “You were once Otilia, Muse of Protection. Your original body lies beneath Castle Heterodyne, and contains a piece of the Castle’s mind. The person to build your current body and transfer you into it was Lucrezia Mongfish, who later became the Other.”

Von Pinn is shaking.

Klaus says the next part softly, carefully, keeping an eye on every twitch and shudder. It won’t do to upset her further, or worse, _break_ her when she is his only current access to confirmation. “She built in a compulsion to protect her children, and another to keep you from telling the truth. How right am I?”

Her jaw twitches, and every line of her body is tense.

If she could have cried, Klaus rather thinks she might have.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he says. “Should I also assume that Van Rijn ordered you to keep the Heterodyne Girl safe, presumably for others around her, and that the vagueness of the orders means that they now apply to Agatha Heterodyne, should she resurface?”

“The girl is dead,” Von Pinn says. There isn’t certainty in her voice, but there is raw, angry desperation.

“I think there is a very good chance that she is not,” Klaus says. “Fortunately, I’m also quite certain that she’s less of a danger than her mother was. She is also rather more inclined to heroism, at least a version that acts when she sees a problem, if not the kinds to go seeking it out like her father and uncle.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I also couldn’t know that you were once Otilia.”

“She is the Heterodyne Girl,” Von Pinn insists.

“She is,” Klaus says. “And if you play your cards right, and perhaps even if you don’t, she’s your best chance at returning to your body _and_ finding the next Storm King.”

She freezes. Every shake and shudder stops.

“I’m still looking into it,” Klaus says. He has so much more information to mine, so many more stories to read and compare and dissect. “But it appears that there is at least one plausible heir, and he may be in possession of Tinka.”

“Is she intact?” Von Pinn asks, far too quickly.

“...mostly,” Klaus says, and doesn’t wince as a snarl rips its way out of Von Pinn’s curled-back lips. “If it turns out that the information is correct, then she’s mostly intact physically, but somewhat damaged in her mental processes. It was… _suggested_ that the presence of her sisters might help.”

She looks desperate. He isn’t sure if that was a good thing.

“Where is she?”

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that yet,” Klaus says. He almost says more, but he has to redirect a clawed hand that comes questing for his throat.

“ _Where is my sister?!”_

“Enough!” Klaus snaps. His hand comes down around her wrist, and he spins around to push her against the wall. She hisses, the claws of her free hand digging deep grooves into the wood as she scrabbles to get away, but to no avail. “I will send you when the time comes!”

“And when will that be?” she hisses.

“When I figure out a way to keep hundreds of thousands of people from dying if I make the wrong move,” Klaus tells her. “The situation is delicate, far more so than usual, and involves a city whose population is almost entirely stealth revenants, if the rest of my information is correct, along with people who, despite not being Lucrezia, _can_ control them. Unless I wish to risk the life of every revenant, every _person_ in that town who might yet be saved, I need to move carefully. This means children, your Storm King, and your sisters. _Do you want that?”_

Von Pinn shudders against the wall, squeezes her eyes shut and lets her lips pull back in a grimace, and says, reluctantly, “No, Herr Baron.”

“Then please trust me to make the right call about when to involve you,” Klaus says. He releases her and steps back, and in the blink of an eye, she is back on the other side of the table, looking like she never left.

“Will that be all, Herr Baron?” she asks stiffly.

He eyes her, something like pity twisting in his chest. “I also know where Moxana is. She’s safer, and whole.”

A spasm runs through Von Pinn’s body. “Where.”

“That,” Klaus says, already regretting this, “is arguably more complicated. I know her general location, and who is caring for her. I know they are heading for Mechanicsburg, and Miss Heterodyne is with them. I _also_ know that she is safe for Moxana. No harm will come to your sister at Miss Heterodyne’s hands.”

“She will—!” Von Pinn tried.

“She will _not_ ,” Klaus insists. He takes a moment to recover his composure, because reading about the girl as a storybook character has done more to endear her to him than actually meeting her had, but then the charisma of a Heterodyne was never to be doubted. “Moxana has been with the people in question for twenty years, and they know how to handle difficult sparks. Miss Heterodyne, for all my worries, was raised by constructs and has shown a fondness for us and for clanks. Moxana, if I am right, also has Van Rijn’s notes, something that will distract her more than enough to keep Moxana safe.”

(It’s a gamble, reminding Von Pinn that she is not the only construct in the room. It’s a gamble that, he thinks, works.)

“She is her mother’s daughter,” Von Pinn says, through gritted teeth. There is doubt in her voice. Good. “She will destroy everything she touches.”

“No,” Klaus says. His eyes refuse to drift down to the Discord Dingbot, but the thought lingers. He remembers the bright smile on Bill Heterodyne’s face the first time Klaus had agreed to get lunch with him and Barry, just minutes after fighting a rampaging clank. “I’m rather of the opinion that she won’t.”

o.o.o.o.o

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships Today at 9:36 PM** ****  
> I reblogged this from **@That’s Science** but I think my tags are Important  
>  [ http://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/179605789665/consider-ed-elric-the-science-hick ](http://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/179605789665/consider-ed-elric-the-science-hick)
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:37 PM  
>  LMAO  
>  u city slickers w ur fancy 'scientific method' and 'health and safety guidelines'
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:38 PM  
>  You said that just after I summoned Tommie  
>  Your death shall be long and painful  
>  I pity you
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:38 PM  
>  i will die historic
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 9:39 PM  
>  shining, and chrome  
>  seriously, talk about anti-safety measures  
>  yes lets get high on paint in the middle of battle and throw ourselves bodily with our lances  
>  our explosive lances
> 
> **Prima Donna** Today at 9:41 PM  
>  :popcorn: There will be death and Tommie will be at the head of it, shouting about safety procedures.  I wanna watch.
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:42 PM  
>  yeah, do they even take measures to make sure the blood transfusion equiptment is clean? im surprised max didnt get tetanus or worse  
>  heh
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:42 PM  
>  _I bet Edward Elric uses mouth pipettes_
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:42 PM  
>  mouth pipettes?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:42 PM  
>  They're Tommie's biggest pet peeve
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:42 PM  
>  im picturing like....someone titrating something directly into someone's mouth  
>  like a little baby bird
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:42 PM  
>  Etwzrexdtucgtvuoujoik;l  
>  Well then  
>  That's even worse
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:43 PM  
>  tastes like a .03 mol solution  
>  or whatever, i cant remember chemistry
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 9:44 PM  
>  :popcorn:
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:44 PM  
>  :popcorn:
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:48 PM  
>  I WAS GONE FOR 5 MINUTES ANSWERING THE ASK MEME TRIXIE TAGGED ME IN  
>  FIVE MINUTES  
>  NO NO NO AND **_NO_ **  
>  DO NOT GET HIGH AND PAINT DO NOT TITRATE INTO YOUR MOUTHS  
>  yes you are unfortunately correct ed 100% would but _i'm not happy about it_  
>  mouth pipettes are the work of the devil, basically a fancy straw with measuring lines used to move chemicals
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  you put it in your mouth?
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  they are the reason we have safety sheets that say "sulfuric acid has a sweet taste before the burning kicks in"
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  No
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  _devil spawn_
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  lmao
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  and hope you dont die of chemical poisoning before you finish your experiment?
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  you do NOT  
>  they USED TO  
>  you SHOULD NOT
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  sounds fun  
>  im going to
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  NOB  
>  NO NO  
>  **_NO_ **
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  glass toob tastey
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:50 PM  
>  **I WILL PHYSICALLY MANIFEST IN YOUR HOME DESPITE NOT KNOWING WHAT COUNTRY YOU EVEN LIVE IN**  
>  _NO_
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:51 PM  
>  picture this
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 9:51 PM  
>  It’s like when you slurp up soda in a straw and keep it in the straw with pressure from your finger
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:51 PM  
>  sulfuric acid flavoured candy corn
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 9:51 PM  
>  But with chemicals  
>  And the straw is glass and technically you’re measuring something
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:52 PM  
>  I'm oddly reminded of the time we got my Latin Teacher off-topic for forty-five minutes by mentioning Star Wars.  
>  That's Tommie here.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:52 PM  
>  they are what we used before we had pipette bulbs  
>  lOOK
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:52 PM  
>  Tommie's the Latin Teacher.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:52 PM  
>  THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO STILL USE THEM  
>  THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO USE THEM FOR _BIOHAZARDS_
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:52 PM  
>  those old timey scientists went hard
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:52 PM  
>  I HAVE **_FEELINGS_ ** ABOUT MOUTH PIPETTES
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 9:53 PM  
>  how would you see how much you were measuring tho? have a friend stare at it and hope they dont say "stop" a second too late, and u end up with a mouthful of science?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:53 PM  
>  Tommie, the vengeful god of PUT DOWN THAT MOUTH PIPETTE OR SO HELP ME
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 9:54 PM  
>  I have no strong feelings on mouth pipettes but I do have speculations and questions re: organic rubber/latex
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 9:55 PM  
>  I just like seeing Tommie Rants (TM) on this
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 9:55 PM  
>  _i have feelings_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 9:56 PM  
>  Because what can they use to make the bulbs without it?  
>  And also, if they do have it, I wanna see a fic about vulcanized rubber being the Hot New Discovery when the heterodyne boys and Klaus were students because we got that around the 1840s

Klaus only glances through the conversation, barely skims it. It’s one that he’s seen happen at least six times in the past two weeks, and on the occasions that someone has brought up one of the dramatically safer forms of mouth pipette, including a few that Klaus has used, the rebuttal had taken the form of “If they use those I accept but most of the horror stories I hear are ‘I was too lazy to go across the room and get a bulb,’ Or ‘we've always done it this way and I'm still alive, kids these days with their safety concerns,’ So that is where my rage is founded.”

He has difficulty finding fault in Tommie’s reasoning, there, especially since… well.

> **Count Coward** Today at 10:13 PM  
>  I am fairly certain that Klaus has used the form of mouth pipette brought up by **@LizardWizard**  
>  Whereas Gil has caused himself injury due to his desire to save time.  
>  Lucrezia was partial to syringes.  
>  Bill and Barry forgot that they were more resistant to acid-based injuries than normal humans, and used mouth pipettes without realizing that what they were doing would be dangerous for anyone else.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:14 PM  
>  I AM GOING TO FIGHT ALL OF THEM  
>  Except Lucrezia  
>  Hot damn, a day we don’t want to fight Lu.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 10:14 PM  
>  Lucrezia taught Aaronev, obvoiusly  
>  His creepy obsession with her led to his proper observance of lab safety
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:15 PM  
>  I hate everything about that sentence.  
>  Hey! Coward! You have any more headcanons?

Headcanons. Things that aren’t canon, but could be, or that people want to believe could be, or that they know aren’t canon but are going to choose to believe anyway, either in absence of evidence otherwise, or in spite of it.

> **Count Coward** Today at 10:16 PM  
>  In relation to pipettes?
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:16 PM  
>  In relation to anything, I guess.  
>  I’m not picky.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:17 PM  
>  [cups hands around mouth] GIVE US THE JUICY BRAIN IDEAS
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 10:17 PM  
>  give us the deets
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today ate 10:17 PM  
>  Trixie why
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:18 PM  
>  IDK I just thought it would be neat

The bickering buys him enough time to figure out what to do.

Headcanons are… they are often things that _could_ be canon, but aren’t explicitly stated. That means he can suggest information that he’s actually lived, known, and taught.

> **Count Coward** Today at 10:20 PM  
>  Lucrezia erred on the side of syringes due to her extensive experimentation with various poisons.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:21 PM  
>  Ooooh  
>  Makes sense
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:21 PM  
>  _Nice_
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 10:22 PM  
>  Barry once was carried off by a clank he had been trying to stop, because the scarf he’d been wearing got caught in the gears. Bill had to save him before stopping the clanks.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:22 PM  
>  BARRY NO
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 10:23 PM  
>  NO CAPES
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 10:23 PM  
>  NO CAPES
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:23 PM  
>  NO CAPES
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:23 PM  
>  Guys  
>  It was a scarf  
>  He hasn’t broken the law of Edna Mode
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:24 PM  
>  Oh, that’s okay then.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 10:26 PM  
>  Aaronev’s attention to lab safety was born of a long-term desire to stay alive despite the many murderous cousins, especially after he got married. He believed that if he knew the safest way to handle everything, and had a specific system in place, it would be easier to notice if something was tampered with by people who wanted him dead in a supposed lab accident.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:27 PM  
>  Why the hell does he have to be so damn sensible about this.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:27 PM  
>  Makes you wonder why Anevka and Tarvek decided that a lab accident was the best excuse for his death, if he was that careful.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 10:28 PM  
>  Maybe they thought that the Questors would blame it on OTHER family members  
>  Like Grandma  
>  Since she hates the Lu-lovers
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:28 PM  
>  _Lu-lovers_ _  
> _ _Lulu lovers_
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 10:29 PM  
>  Klaus once tried to identify a compound in the lab of a spark he was investigating with the Heterodyne Boys by scent, and the fumes caused him to pass out
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:29 PM  
>  DAMMIT KLAUS
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:30 PM  
>  :dammitklaus:
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:30 PM  
>  DID HE AT LEAST TRY TO DO IT BY WAFTING IT OR DID HE JUST UFKCIN  
>  STICK IT RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 10:31 PM  
>  He did not waft it.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:31 PM  
>  I am going to throttle him.  
>  I don’t care that he isn’t real, I AM GOING TO ENGAGE IN THROTTLING.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 10:31 PM  
>  Dammit Klaus  
>  He’s such a genius, but sometimes he’s also just  
>  The resident moron.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:32 PM  
>  aerfhuaspduflaipsd Resident Moron Klaus  
>  Barry calls him that once as a joke and _whoops_ look who has frog spawn in his boots again
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 10:32 PM  
>  omg guys, I leave for an hour and come back to some _sweet-ass headcanons_  
>  _Please_ tell me you have more  
>  Also Resident Moron Klaus _I love_
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 10:33 PM  
>  I do.  
>  You aren’t simply humoring me, then?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:33 PM  
>  Hell no, these are a fucking _delight_.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 10:33 PM  
>  _quietly harvests a few ideas for fics_  
>  Actually, are you planning on writing fic at some point?  
>  Seriously these are some great ideas, I’d like to actually see them written out in detail
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:34 PM  
>  Oh!  
>  And you seem to be focusing on the Heterodyne Boys era, right?  
>  We have some fic there, but nowhere near as much as we have for the main gen.  
>  You’d have a niche!  
>  Or, well, you’d be part of one.  
>  Same difference.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:35 PM  
>  Please write fic that roasts characters for gross ignorance of reasonable safety measures.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 10:35 PM  
>  I will consider it.  
>  I think I need to familiarize myself with the nature of fanfiction a little more first.  
>  I’m still not sure I have a solid grasp on what the style tends to be, as I’ve not read much yet.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 10:36 PM  
>  I mean idk dude  
>  every fic is different?  
>  it’s kind of like books in real life, every author has their own style
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:36 PM  
>  I get what you mean  
>  Sometimes reading a lot of fic makes you feel more confident in writing it  
>  Because you get a sense of what hte fandom in question considers a reasonable change to canon  
>  Or what the common tropes are  
>  That sort of thing
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 10:37 PM  
>  alternately you just barge on in there and do your thing and somehow it works out
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 10:37 PM  
>  i kinda wanna see what fic you do  
>  your ideas sound neat  
>  you know what i just realized we don’t have  
>  a fake heterodyne play
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:38 PM  
>  Ooooh yeah  
>  Honestly I’d like to see that
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:38 PM  
>  There was a snippet of a script in the second novel  
>  And we do get a few lines here and there in other places  
>  ANYWAY YEAH  
>  Write the fic!  
>  Have fun!  
>  It’s a blast!  
>  I mean, assuming you have the free time, inclination, and confidence.  
>  But if you want to write fic, do it.  
>  DEW IT
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 10:40 PM  
>  It can be great stress relief.  
>  It can also cause great stress but we don’t talk about that.
> 
> **Catwoman of Obar Dheathain** Today at 10:40 PM  
>  yyou talk about it a lot
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 10:41 PM  
>  LISTEN  
>  LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE ICON  
>  WE COMPLAIN BECAUSE WE LOVE

Klaus doesn’t have any plans to ‘write fic.’

(He also didn’t have plans to ‘roast’ himself, but they seem to find enjoyment in that. He doesn’t mind sharing that story. It’s a good reminder of past mistakes that he’s learned from.)

He does not have the time. He also does not have the inclination. He does have the confidence, but he’d rather turn that confidence to more useful pursuits, like maintaining an empire.

He finds the list of stories again, flips over a fresh sheet of notepaper, and readies his pen to take notes.

He opens _Well Met_.

o.o.o.o.o

He closes _Well Met_.

He didn’t get in very far.

With the previous set of stories, he’d been far enough divorced from the star of the show, and the events being addressed, that he could let the plot pull him along. He’d gotten invested during the part that didn’t hurt him, and was too engrossed to quite notice most of the parts that could have hurt by the time the plot had moved somewhere calmer. He’d sprinted through the stories, taken his notes, and taken action.

 _Well Met_ starts somewhere painful, and doesn’t get better. Not for Klaus and the roiling emotions in his chest as all the hurt and anger of “why didn’t Barry just _talk_ to me?” comes bubbling back to the surface after weeks buried deep down where nobody else gets to see it.

It hurts to read it, as much as Klaus wants to mine the fic for information. He needs to take a break.

He considers reading something else. He considers doing the paperwork that Boris dropped off with a meaningful and impatient look earlier. He considers going to check on Gil and his almost-secret patients.

He thinks about the little word “Post” he’d seen at the top of the AO3 page, and what it had opened up to when, in a fit of curiosity and desire to understand the places he was interacting with, he’d clicked it.

He resists for all of fifteen seconds, and then admits that yes, it might help. He’s not sure how, but people do this for a reason, yes?

He clicks “New Work.”


	5. Klaus Has Some Fans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus wrote a fic! And people _liked it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bill.
> 
> Bill NO.

Klaus writes in fits and bursts, snatches of time he finds between meetings and information-gathering, a record of something he’d done with Bill and Barry, one of the adventures that Lucrezia hadn’t been involved in. He writes until it feels like… well, not like a Heterodyne play, or one of the many novels written about their adventures, with a pretty ending tied up in a bow and a satisfying conclusion or an arc that makes _sense_ , necessarily, but is actually true from the perspective of one who lived it.

He fumbles his way through the posting process, figures out how to choose characters and ratings and so on, and then goes to bed.

(He hesitates before posting a link in **#fanfic_recs** , where he’s seen some of the others leaving links to their own works that they’ve just updated, but leave a link he does.)

o.o.o.o.o

_...I woke up hanging upside down by my ankles, wrapped in chains, wrists bound behind my back. Bill, of course, was strapped to a table, his chest bared. Our captor was pressing a knife to his ribs. He was grinning up at her. (I certainly wouldn’t know why.)_

_I caught his eye and nodded once, letting him know I was awake. He brought his attention back to Dr. Svirydava and struggled with his leather bonds; the doctor shoved a forearm against his throat until he went slack again._

_“You are helpless before me!” she proclaimed. “It is useless to resist.”_

_Bill hooded his eyes. “I can see that. I guess I really am in your power.”_

_“You are,” she agreed._

Absolutely shamelessly, _he pushed up against the knife and shuddered when it drew blood. “And what do you plan to do with that power?” he murmured._

_They held each other’s gaze for several seconds. Dr. Svirydava smiled slowly and lowered her blade to his belt._

_[the following pages have been removed to preserve Lord William Heterodyne's reputation, as Baron Klaus Wulfenbach spared no mercy in explaining just how terribly poor his friend's life choices were, particularly in the field of carnal activities]_

_I undid the last of my bindings and dropped to the floor, turning my fall into a roll which brought me to a standing position. Dr. Svirydava was still thoroughly distracted, so she didn’t notice me until I slammed my fist into her head. She crumpled to the ground. Bill, looking somewhat disappointed (of course), loosed the knots with a practiced ease and let the rope fall to the floor. As he returned himself to decency (or as close as he ever came to it), I did the same for the doctor and trussed her up._

_It was simple enough for Bill and I to dismantle her controls and make our escape from her iron glacier. We met up with Barry, Punch, and Judy, who had been busy with her minions._

_Tomorrow, we deal with the doctor. Hopefully she’ll see sense and agree to stop rampaging across the countryside, but one way or the other she won’t be terrorizing any more people._

 

 _February 17th, 1859_  

_Polar bear for breakfast. I have a feeling we’ll be eating a lot of it for the next few weeks._

_Dr. Svirydava seems to have escaped in the night, but she can’t have gone far…_

o.o.o.o.o

He wakes up, and sees that there are _reactions_.

> **Augusta Longbottom** Today at 3:21 PM  
>  _What the hell I love it_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 3:26 PM  
>  There isn’t enough Boys-era fic in this fandom but holy shit did you deliver
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 4:13 PM  
>  Hey Bill  
>  HEY BILL  
>  KEEP YOUR FUCKING PANTS ON
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Today at 4:15 PM  
>  Okay that’s… fair. Also probably canon?  
>  I think Bill tried to seduce way more bad ladies than just Lucrezia
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 4:16 PM  
>  Oh it’s DEFINITELY canon that he did that  
>  I just want to yell about his TERRIBLE LIFE DECISIONS
> 
> **Augusta Longbottom** Today at 4:17 PM  
>  Don’t we all?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:21 PM  
>  Okay but like  
>  Epistolary fiction is my _jam_  
>  Also mixed media but that’s another story  
>  Seriously this is amazing?  
>  You really captured the characterization  
>  I’d say more but I already left a hell of a long comment and I have other stuff to do lol
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 5:32 PM  
>  UMMMMMM  
>  THIS IS GOOD  
>  THIS IS GREAT  
>  COWARD YOU’RE DOING GREAT  
>  https://giphy.com/gifs/keeping-up-with-the-kardashians-kris-jenner-l3JDFJncJHteKIYzm

Klaus has seen the comments box before, has browsed other people’s comments, has seen members of the discord talk about what kinds of comments they love to receive and which types instead have them raising their hackles, metaphorically. He’s read enough to have left his own comments on some of the stories he’s seen, a basic courtesy in fandom, from what he understands. It has been a fine, odd line to walk, knowing what he does and being in the position that he is, but now he is… going to get some of his own. Apparently.

He’s gone to the inbox before, figured out how to mark things as read, or delete them. He’s figured out what the myriad of little buttons do.

**Inbox (5)**

Klaus clicks the button.

There’s… a lot of yelling, in the first comment. Happy yelling.

The second and third are short, one-line comments about how much the reviewer liked the story.

The fourth is, to his growing incredulity, a scene-by-scene breakdown of what exactly the commenter liked.

The fifth is a paragraph or so, pointing out a handful of of things they enjoyed, and ending with a bit of advice regarding a warning that might be necessary in the tags.

It isn't what he expected.

(He isn't sure _what_ he expected.)

He considers answering some of them. He hesitates.

He goes back to Discord.

(It's a pity he has to hunt down a link to the Archive every time he wants to visit it. All of his access requires finding links _first_.)

> **Count Coward** Today at 11:46 PM  
>  I didn’t expect this much of a positive reaction.  
>  It is gratifying.
> 
> **Augusta Longbottom** Today at 11:48 PM  
>  You deserve it.  
>  It’s a great fic.  
>  (I am TOTALLY not saying this just because I write Boys-era fic myself and want to see more of it, nope.)
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 11:50 PM  
>  Seriously, it’s a really good fic.

They go on like that for… some time.

Klaus closes the Discord Dingbot.

It was an interesting thing to do, this one time, to write a story based on his own adventures and publish it for someone else’s entertainment. It was unexpectedly pleasant to see such positive reactions. It was nice.

But he has more important things to do.

o.o.o.o.o

> \--> Where’s **Gabrielle**? In the server!
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 7:34 AM  
>  Hello!
> 
> **Gabrielle** Today at 7:34 AM  
>  Hello!
> 
> **apocalypseArisen [:dagger: : too many :zap: : 612 :frog: : 1]** Today at 7:35 AM  
>  ~~more fresh meat~~ hullo and welcome ::D
> 
> **Gabrielle** Today at 7:35 AM  
>  Glad to be here! :D
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 7:35 AM  
>  Two people in a night, neat! Welcome both!
> 
> **Dearlyle** **  
> ** waves
> 
> **Gabrielle** Today at 7:36 AM  
>  thanks! itll probably be four soon. got some buddies coming

Two people?

Klaus scrolls up.

Ah. Apparently someone going by **Lobster Friend** had joined earlier in the day. Considering Klaus has skimmed at least three conversations that involve yelling about how Zoing is “the only unproblematic fave,” he can guess what caused this. He leaves hellos for both, and then more as the “buddies” show up.

Conversations trundle on under his nose, mostly nonsense, and something about a crossover with… he doesn’t know what “Disney’s Descendants” is, but the children seem to be enjoying themselves. There’s also some yelling about DnD. He’s still not sure what that is, beyond being a game that requires dice and characters and plenty of abbreviations.

A message lights up **#general** again, and Klaus goes to look.

> **Lobster Friend** Today at 8:15 AM  
>  I’ve been reading some of the discussions you’ve had before, and I have to say I’ve never considered Gil and Tarvek as a romantic pairing before.  
>  Can I ask what makes so many of you invested in it?

Klaus almost feels pity.

Almost.

He’s nearly asked the question himself, before. He’s gotten some hints from the fanfiction he’s speed-read for information, and people have certainly talked about it a lot, but he’s never _asked_. Partly because they only ever discuss it as an unlikely hypothetical, including nods to their own beliefs as to its likelihood to become canon in any way, and partly because Klaus doesn’t quite think he’s ready for that information.

Unfortunately, **Lobster Friend** has decided to drop that bomb in Klaus’s lap anyway.

> **Ultra** Today at 8:17 AM  
>  Gonna assume you’re asking in good faith here and not, like, trolling.  
>  I like Gil and Tarvek because they're... foils covers most of it.  
>  They feel like equals to me, and they work together and balance each other well.  
>  The banter is also fun.  
>  But they're both in some way aiming to inherit continent-wide empires, and having it not go very smoothly at all.  
>  They also tend to focus on each other a lot.  Even when they're in the same room as Agatha, they frequently end up most focused on each other.  
>  In order to bicker, but still.  
>  (I like Colette and Agatha for similar equals-balancing reasons; they're both women who much more successfully (and with much less planning) inherit a city, with a legacy of influence throughout the continent.)
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 8:28 AM  
>  Um ... I was going to do a little response, but then I basically started writing an essay and discord told me it's too long... so here's my copy-pasta XD  
>    
>  I like Ultra’s description a lot. Pitching in, I like that they have history. I like that they trust each other [well ... they trust each other to have Agatha's back even if they don't directly trust each other] and also distrust each other ... which probably is an aspect of why they focus on each other a lot (to add to what Ultra said). I think a large part of why I love them together is because there's so much telling us that they should hate each other deeply (like Zola-level hate and distrust) between conflicting claims to Europa and both of them chasing after Agatha. (Now I wanna go dig up how Tarvek actually treats Martellus vs how Tarvek treats Gil.) And yet, despite that, you get moments like Tarvek supporting Gil/Agatha (like what supporting your rival? Is this the same guy who saw playing Lu/Agatha along and pulling the plug on Anevka?), Tarvek wishing "We could've kept him safe," and them really playing on the same team (vowing a slow death over whoever killed Von Pinn). And there's the whole Tarvek digging into Teufel nonsense (which, okay, given the Sturmvoraus's spy-instincts, isn't necessarily a pointer toward a ship).  
>  Okay so ... I guess I focused on the Tarvek side.  
>    
>  For Gil ... I think, is inherently trusting ... or would be if he were born into a different time / raised by a different person. He's generally way worse at showing his emotions, but he actually extracts Tarvek from the time stop, and then goes on to rescue him from the pirates/smoke knights (and I love that Tarvek invokes the rescued princess thing). Gil knows he's not "allowed" near Agatha, and generally believes she's capable enough to handle herself. But Tarvek? Tarvek looks like a great big mess that Gil somehow believes he can save. Yes, Tarvek knows a lot about undoing the Other's work / mindcontrol and maybe the only person who can get him back with Agatha, but Gil somehow weighed that against "Tarvek running wild in the world and possibly usurping my power" and ... freeing Tarvek won, and on top of that, does little things like shove Bang out the door to show respect. (Also, Gil clearly respects Tarvek's work with the whole mindcontrol / Other stuff)  
>    
>  Nothing I said precludes OT3, but honestly, I ship OT3 or any of them pairwise. It all works. I also have a huge thing for rivals turned friends and, um, to be honest, bickering. Like the jibes they throw and the level of physical touch (mostly fighting, but ... it's still touch) is the sort of shit I use for flirting. (Whether or not it's a good or healthy way to flirt is ... debatable, but I'd call it off-topic for this convo XD)
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 8:31 AM  
>  Oh yeah you reminded me, Tarvek keeping the Teufel thing secret once he found it is a detail I really like.
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 8:31 AM  
>  (I might also add, what I ship tends to be a lot less specifically romance-centric, but bundles in other aspects of love  & trust)  
>  Oh is that canon? I like literally can't remember 'cause I think I learned it from a fic. XD
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 8:32 AM  
>  Yeah, he mentions it in Castle Heterodyne.  I can't remember exactly what was said, but he found the Teufel thing, realized people would kill Gil for it, and therefore kept it secret.  
>  Even though he had every reason to hate Gil at that point.
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 8:36 AM  
>  Oh, and I'll throw in Gil saving Tarvek by chaining him to Othar and throwing him out the window. Like, okay, Gil, your theory was sound despite being complete unsound. Also, arguably, this is just another instance of Gil saving all his rivals (that thing with Zola... GIL PLEASE). But Gil just loves everyone and thinks everyone should live a happy life (as evidence by his complete lack of death rays before Agatha shows up ... and I'm pretty sure he only started into them because he realized there was a need [hive thingy] and ... well, it wouldn't hurt to woo Agatha)  
>  (I might just be analyzing Gil now ... )
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 8:37 AM  
>  (You might be, but please continue.)
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 8:37 AM  
>  NO DON'T ENCOURAGE ME. I need to go gather food for dinner.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 8:39 AM  
>  ...gather food, then continue?
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 8:39 AM  
>  Very fair.  
>  But seriously, Gil was not made for intrigue or politics. I mean, ZOING? Zoing is too pure. And he saves the goldfish in the first arc.  
>  Like, he just wants to be happy-go-lucky except his circumstances are all wrong. (Tarvek, on the other hand, I think thrives on the whole climb-to-the-top thing.)  
>  But ... also ... okay, you can kinda see Zeetha is also very happy-go-lucky. So maybe it comes from that side of the family. But ... what about Klaus? Was Klaus once upon a time ... like that?  
>  (This is me. Definitely and completely gathering food. Yup.)
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 8:42 AM  
>  (Clearly.)  
>  (You probably should get food before you start theorizing about Zeetha and Klaus though.)  
>  :point_up:
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 8:44 AM  
>  (This is good encouragement. :smile: I will conquer dinner!)
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 8:45 AM  
>  So, **Lobster Friend** , does that answer your question?  
>  ...Lobster?

**Lobster Friend** doesn’t answer. The conversation goes silent, and Klaus closes the Dingbot, and starts trying to focus on his paperwork.

His fingers itch. He wants to ask about what they know about the incident when both boys were children. He wants to know how much detail they have. He wants to know if he can trust even _one_ member of that family with anything at all, because even one person he can somewhat predict is better than an entire array against him, especially with the pure vitriol they all have towards Aaronev.

He remembers a conversation about how differently both lives could have gone, if Tarvek hadn’t been forced to leave Castle Wulfenbach.

They hadn’t gone into detail, but there had been a sincere love for the young Prince as a character, even if they’d made plenty of jokes about his terrible decisions, but they’d done that with every character they came across.

(Klaus wonders if he made a mistake, all those years ago, and pushes the thought away. It’s far too late to change anything. He can’t trust optimists in another universe to know what’s best for his empire.)

(They want a happy ending, but it’s a story to them.)

(To Klaus, it’s _life_.)

The Dingbot alerts him to new messages a few hours later, and Klaus finds that the conversation has picked up again, though still conspicuously missing **Lobster Friend**. A few people idly suggest that he might have been called away for something, but mostly ignore it.

The conversation meanders through some depressing comparisons of Zeetha and Dupree’s mental states, and then turns to…

Shit-talking Klaus’s parenting abilities. Great.

> **Shaved Elm** Today at 1:28 PM  
>  Klaus, I feel like, seems mostly happy with how Gil turned out. Probably also wishes Gil was inheriting a different destiny, and possibly shoving in head-Klaus was his way of trying to download all the knowledge of why one can't be happy-go-lucky into Gil when he realized he hadn't actually managed to impart that otherwise  
>  Against ... Albia?
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 1:30 PM  
>  Klaus pretty much said Gil fulfilled all his expectations when he hit the walkers outside of Mechanicsburg with Tesla's Holy Light  
>  "Yep, I can die now, Kid will be okay."
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 1:31 PM  
>  Yeah but clearly not enough because ... he still Klaus'd Gil  
>  but yes
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 1:31 PM  
>  Klaus needs Gil to be SAFE
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 1:31 PM  
>  I'd forgotten that had happened XD
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 1:32 PM  
>  He trusts Gil—but needs to keep him safe from Agatha Lucrezia Whatever Bee Is In His Bonnet  
>  And since Klaus knows best...he put himself in Gil
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 1:32 PM  
>  Oh. Right. That too. :neutral_face:  
>  :dammitklaus:
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 1:32 PM  
>  Hence—dammit Klaus...
> 
> **Shaved Elm** Today at 1:33 PM  
>  Hehehe
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 1:35 PM  
>  I mean, Klaus had cause from his POV...but man, talk about becoming the monster.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:36 PM  
>  Klaus. Klaus. Maybe take a step back and think about this some more.
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 1:37 PM  
>  Klaus is a hard man doing hard decisions while hard
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:37 PM  
>  fjskakkda
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 1:38 PM  
>  Klaus needs therapy.  
>  Percussive therapy.  
>  Sun style  
>  "The beatings will continue until sanity imrpoves."

There’s a lot going on. He’s heard about the head-Klaus thing a few times, and his stomach turns at the idea. It might have been Lucrezia; he knows they’ve mentioned him being wasped, _somehow_ , but they talk like Klaus chose to do it specifically as a response _to_ being wasped, something he’d done by finding a loophole, or…

Well, Klaus has spent a lot of time trying to untangle what happened to get him wasped, to get Lucrezia back into the world, and to get the time bubble up without asking suspicious questions. He isn’t entirely sure what Albia has to do with it, except that several people have been taking the plot in England’s direction, according to **#theories.**

But.

_But._

“Klaus pretty much said Gil fulfilled all his expectations when he hit the walkers outside of Mechanicsburg with Tesla's Holy Light.”

That’s new information.

Important information.

Klaus risks a question.

> **Count Coward** Today at 1:53 PM  
>  There’s a lot of criticism of Klaus’s parenting here, but are there any things you’d say he did _right?_
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:54 PM  
>  Compared to the other OT3 parents that survived long enough to have an effect on their kids? LOTS  
>  The thing is that… Aaronev and Lucrezia aren’t _trying_ to be good parents, I don’t think. They’re shitty people, shitty parents, and have shitty goals.  
>  Klaus is trying to be a good parent and a decent ruler and that makes it all worse somehow.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 1:55 PM  
>  We roast him because we think that, out of all the surviving parents, he can do _better_ , and actually _wants to_.  
>  Even the head-Klaus thing, he tells Lucrezia is a temporary stopgap or something, something that _is_ meant to be reversible, once she’s gone.  
>  It’s a terrible thing to do to a person, yeah, but it’s still leagues better than Lucrezia and Aaronev and… a defensive reaction.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:57 PM  
>  He sends Tarvek home, takes away his kid’s best friend… but he does it because he thought Tarvek was a threat TO Gil.  
>  He gets angry when Gil puts himself in danger, despite his previous actions apparently being such that Gil thinks Klaus only _probably_ won’t destroy Castle Heterodyne while Gil is inside, and people genuinely believing Klaus might take Gil apart for parts if he does something wrong.  
>  He makes sure Gil is inoculated against everything and nearly indestructible, but using questionable methods?
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:01 PM  
>  Basically, great intentions! Bad methods. Awful results.
> 
> **Marakanda21** Today at 2:01 PM  
>  Just not as bad as Lu and Aaronev.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 2:02 PM  
>  Also he has lines he absolutely will not cross, even if he bends some of the others for the sake of stopping Lu or whatever  
>  I’m just thinking of the “let’s go have fun in our kids’ bodies” “fuck you fuck everything you stand for I would blow this whole place up to protect my son” bit during the train arc
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 2:04 PM  
>  And if you were to put it in terms of… trends?  
>  Not just specific mistakes in the plot, but general trends as well?
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:05 PM  
>  Oh boy.  
>  I guess I should ask how much you know about developmental psychology?
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 2:05 PM  
>  Not much.  
>  ...I am asking because I frequently see parallels with my own trouble communicating with my son.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 2:06 PM  
>  I am… not sure how to respond to that.  
>  So let’s just focus on canon!  
>  (You can tell us more in **#off-topic** if it would help?)  
>  (Or maybe someone willing to DM you if the conversation ends up triggering for anyone.)
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 2:07 PM  
>  I would appreciate that.

And he does.

o.o.o.o.o

Boris bursts into the room, followed by the captain of a scouting ship that looks harried, at best. More specifically, she seems exhausted and anxious.

“Herr Baron, you were right!” Boris says. He starts laying out papers on the desk.

“Hello, Boris,” Klaus says. He looks at the woman. “Captain Achterberg, yes?”

“Yes, Herr Baron,” she says.

“You were sent to scout out Passholdt.”

She shudders, if rather subtly. “...yes, Herr Baron.”

“How bad was the damage?” He asks.

“We brought back some samples,” Achterberg says. “But there were no unchanged survivors that we could see. Herr Dolokhov said you thought they were a new form of revenant?”

“I did,” Klaus says. He hesitates a moment, because he really did hope these people could be saved, but… “What did you do to Passholdt?”

“We felt it prudent to drop a sign on the road, but wanted confirmation of a kill order before we bombed it,” Achterberg admits. “Passholdt is not a small town.”

Klaus pushes away from his desk and heads for the door. Boris and Captain Achterberg fall into step behind him, and he sets off for his labs. “Bring the samples to my lab.”

“Already done, Herr Baron,” Boris says. “They were living samples, by the way.”

Klaus changes course for a moment, grabs a passing Lackya by the collar, and tells it in no uncertain terms to bring Gil to his labs.

He walks into the room and encounters a wall of screeching.

By the time Gil arrives, looking harried and unkempt, Klaus has already wrestled one of the screaming, not-quite-humanoid creatures to a table, strapping it down in every possible way, and glad that they aren’t showing the levels of intelligence possessed by even Othar Tryggvassen.

(Unbidden, he hears “GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER,” because that booming voice has an unfortunate habit of getting stuck in heads.)

“Father?” Gil asks as he bursts into the room. “What happened? A Lackya said that—”

“Wash your hands and pull on some gloves,” Klaus says. He has to deliberately keep himself from snapping the words out, in this tense situation. “These creatures are samples from Passholdt. The town is overrun with them, and there are no survivors. I believe that they are, in fact, the townspeople transformed. If there is a way to cure them that we can find in the next three days, then we will apply it to the town. If there is not, then we raze it for the safety of Europa.”

He turns to Gil and holds out a scalpel. “You remember your medical classes.”

“Of course!” Gil protests. “Er. Why did you want me to help with this, and not one of the more experienced Sparks? Or Doctor Sun?”

“Someone suggested I needed to consider some father-son bonding activities,” Klaus says, so flatly that anyone in the room will probably think it’s a joke. “And don’t fool yourself; Sun’s too far away, and most everyone else on the ship either isn’t as good as you are, is busy with something else, or is one of the Deep Thinkers, and they can’t be relied on for anything requiring concentration on a subject more specific than the entirety of Europa.”

“I see,” Gil says, taking a position on the other side of the table.

The keening screeches are deafening.

They make the first cut.

o.o.o.o.o

Klaus razes Passholdt, tasks the jagerkin with hunting down any monsters that might have escaped, and has a cleanup crew in to remove the corpses and everything else that might attract opportunistic Sparks.

It’s over less than forty-eight hours after Klaus declares a cure impossible.

He does not let himself feel remorse for the town.

(He does move Aaronev’s impending arrest higher on his list of priorities.)


	6. Klaus Watches a Liveblog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, Aaronev is _the literal worst._

Klaus’s list of things to investigate gets longer.

He keeps a few paper versions of the list. He considers moving and reassigning jägerkin. He considers sending Von Pinn to Sturmhalten. He considers having Aaronev’s children brought to Castle Wulfenbach. He considers many things.

He acts on far fewer.

There are lists of names to investigate, lists of places to look into, lists of resources to gather or projects to focus on.

There are so many things to manage, and there are so many things he can’t be completely sure are true, because he still has no access to canon and no easy way to interrogate the server.

Jorgi, Ruxala, Higgs, Vanamonde, Selnikov, Hoffman, Zola, Von Zinzer, Ivo, Larana—

Speaking with the Dreen, furthering funding for the Vespiary Squad, making plans to manage DuPree’s eventual conflict with Zeetha, carefully looking into Vapnoople’s remaining knowledge, finding someone to surreptitiously keep tabs on the circus, finding a Geister to examine, or one that is already disloyal to Lucrezia—

The bloody _mirrors_.

There are so many things he has to do.

He has an empire to run.

He doesn’t have _time._

He delegates what he can to Boris. Some things can be investigated from a distance. He can send some people to Paris, and he thinks that old Voltaire might be willing to talk about at least a few things. A questor to investigate some of Beetleburg again, and…

Well, he’s already had a few paper-pushers go through the Empire’s personnel records for some of the names. He has to cross-reference things, because most names apply to dozens, if not _hundreds_ , of his people. He narrows down most of them.

Jorgi is one of the jägers. Not a general, no, but an officer. Personable enough, cleverer than most of his brothers-at-arms, and with a reported habit of finding his way to the most inconveniently dangerous part of any situation without actually trying.

Ruxala is part of the Vespiary Squad. She’s not a Spark, but she’s clever, well-trained, and invested in animal husbandry. Objectively not the most important of people, but well-placed to be involved in future events.

Higgs.

 _Higgs_.

Klaus has a full name to work with, there. Axel Higgs. It’s an uncommon enough name that he doesn’t have trouble finding the man.

He _does_ have trouble figuring out what the man’s relation to the plot is, beyond coincidence.

Airman Third Class of the Rozen Maiden, soon to be transferred to the medical corvette W.A.F. Linnaeus. Unremarkable for the most part, though several have noted that he is commonly considered unflappable by his crewmates, and has a fondness for his pipe. Impressive mutton chops. Cutting wit, apparently.

Unremarkable in every way.

Klaus needs more information.

Higgs is mentioned often on the server, but not in useful detail. They like to ‘ship’ him with Zeetha. The jokes that the server makes regarding Axel Higgs tend to circle around ways to embarrass him, or the man remaining unimpressed at various ridiculous activities by the other characters.

The only hint Klaus has beyond that is that Higgs may or may not be a jäger.

It’s… not a very _sure_ piece of information. It’s not something they mention particularly often, and Klaus is half-convinced that it’s like the Martian Skifander theory. It’s something that he’d guess they have plenty of evidence for, but nothing concrete.

Higgs is unremarkable. He is, if not human, passing very well for it.

Even Gkika has her fangs. Even Jenka’s skin is silvered green. Klaus has never, _ever_ met a jäger that could pass for human without either Mamma’s misdirection or claims to being a different kind of construct.

Airman Higgs’ ship is due to dock with Castle Wulfenbach in two weeks.

Klaus can wait that long.

o.o.o.o.o

Not DuPree. Too violent. Too much of a wildcard. Too unwilling to stay put.

Not Boris. Too necessary for the management of the empire itself.

 _Definitely_ not Gil.

Not Von Pinn. Otilia. Whatever. Otherwise a good choice, her role in Punch and Judy’s deaths had made her inappropriate.

None of the jägerkin. They can’t step foot in Mechanicsburg, and Klaus can’t trust that they would trust _him._

Not any of the students. The ones that haven’t run away have already been sent home.

Doctor Sun, perhaps, or his granddaughter. Perha—

Zulenna.

That is… a thought.

The option has potential.

Quite a lot, actually.

Her revivification has gone smoothly, though she hates what it has done to her status. The girl is a stickler for position and role, and losing the title that had given her the ability to fulfill what she saw as her own duties has left her… not inconsolable, really, but withdrawn. Angry. She hasn’t gone home yet, still recovering from her previous condition, and Klaus isn’t sure what she’ll do once she’s left. She still feels her duties and responsibilities keenly, and while Klaus doubts her family would leave her without support, she is legally obligated to acknowledge her death and divest of her land and titles. Her parents can choose to leave her something, if they want to, but the fifty houses are by and large going to view her as no longer having any inheritance whatsoever.

She is young. She has strong, positive feelings for Agatha. She is searching for a purpose. She believes, despite everything, in the Pax Transylvania.

He can’t send her alone, of course, but she is a good choice.

Klaus needs to send someone to Mechanicsburg. Passholdt is clean and clear, safe for the Circus to pass through. Agatha Heterodyne will make it to Mechanicsburg untouched by the spiders’ nest in Sturmhalten, and Klaus will have someone ready to meet with her.

(Zeetha will be with her, and while Klaus wants very few things as much as he wants to run down to the circus to meet his daughter and make amends, to find out what his wife was thinking way back when and just how likely Gil is to die by his family’s hands, to find out if Zeetha is really as capable as they say, to help his daughter find her way home and a way to happiness… he can’t. He knows he can’t. He hates it, but he can’t justify approaching Zeetha when she’s already taken Agatha as her Zumil. If he’s putting a hold on approaching Agatha, that means putting a hold on approaching Zeetha.)

(He doesn’t like it, but he can live with it.)

(Maybe he can tell Gil he has a sister, though.)

He’s read too much by now to trust that Agatha would react well to Klaus personally unless there was someone to warn her, someone to play intermediary.

He can’t trust that Punch and Judy will be well enough to speak with him, and then her, in time.

He can’t trust that Mechanicsburg will let him speak with Carson.

But he can find someone to speak with Agatha on his behalf, so that negotiations can open relatively calmly.

There are no painless ways to save Europa, but there are still _preferable_ ones.

o.o.o.o.o

Klaus has seen references to Aaronev and his crimes before. He knows how much of a problem is brewing in Sturmhalten. He knows that Aaronev apparently did something horrible to his daughter several years ago. Klaus doesn’t know what the word “download” means, not really, but he can guess.

 **Miss Trixie** is rereading what they refer to as the Sturmhalten arc. She’s talking about it in **#liveblogging**.

She’s not happy.

Klaus has quite a bit of backlog to wade through.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:42 PM **  
> ** [sob-singing] We could've had it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall  
>  http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/strips/ggmain20051107.jpg  
>  And now I'm just sobbing  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  (Not literally but.)  
>  (Tinka)
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:44 PM **  
> ** Poor Tinka
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:44 PM  
>  Ah yes, several pages of Agatha recounting everything because Aaronev drugged the hell out of her.  
>  You wanna know the best fridge horror about this scene?  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  We know what happened to Anevka.  
>  And we know what Aaronev means.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 6:45 PM  
>  Mmmhmmm
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:45 PM **  
> ** And we know that her face legitimately CANNOT express more emotion than it is.  
>  So imagine how much she must be screaming inside at all this.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 6:45 PM  
>  oh shit
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:46 PM **  
> ** Her face is genuinely incapable of showing how desperately she wants this to not happen.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 6:46 PM  
>  fuck
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:46 PM **  
> ** damn aaronev, so cold to refer to your own daughter as a variable
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:46 PM  
>  And I think that might be part of why Aaronev fails to see that she's about to murder him.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 6:47 PM **  
> ** ooh, good observation  
>  it seems out of nowhere, but if you don't assume she's only feeling the emotion she shows it's really not
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:47 PM  
>  Honestly she probably wishes she could look about as upset as Tarvek does
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:47 PM **  
> ** Also, pay attention to the word bubbles.  
>  Anevka in control doesn't have little decorative squares around her words.  
>  Anevka having emotions does.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 6:48 PM  
>  Ooh
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:48 PM  
>  I wonder how much range of vocal inflection she has, really
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:48 PM **  
> ** e.g. she's really struggling here  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  With vocal composure.  
>  Lunevka has regular oval speech bubbles, by the way.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 6:49 PM **  
> ** I really like "the only thing worse"  
>  it's not much but it's more acknowledgement than anyone else gives those poor girls
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:49 PM  
>  I have so many Anevka feels
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:50 PM **  
> ** I really do wonder how many he tried  
>  Did he start in Sturmhalten, do you think? Or start by looking outside?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:50 PM **  
> ** Sturmhalten, probably.  
>  Very easy to convince people to forget, when you have Vrin on your side.  
>  Dimo you sassy, clever fuck.  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:51 PM  
>  People wouldn’t even know to run if they had a daughter who seemed likely to break through if that’s the case
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 6:51 PM **  
> ** I don't know if they can actually order people to forget, but they can certainly order them to act like they have?
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:51 PM  
>  They could also be ordered not to leave town  
>  ....shit, how early do you think he started? How young could some of those girls have been?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:52 PM **  
> ** http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/strips/ggmain20051128.jpg  
>  Point the first: Anevka literally just stripped Agatha for this.  
>  Point the second: Anevka no, don't make her beg for her life, stop being terrible for .3 seconds  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 6:52 PM **  
> ** I think he only used post-breakthrough girls  
>  so for most of them they'd 18-20  
>  younger breakthroughs seem to be anomalous
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:53 PM **  
> ** That’s true, he didn’t have a description of Agatha or her age to go on
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 6:53 PM  
>  Anevka stripping and torturing someone as stress relief for the murder she just committed
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 6:53 PM **  
> ** Probably subconsciously blaming Agatha for existing to be fair like  
>  Her father was looking for her all this time
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 6:54 PM **  
> ** He did have the age  
>  Anevka knew about the Holy Child, so Aaronev almost definitely did.  
>  And Vrin specifies eighteen.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 6:55 PM **  
> ** Hm, yes  
>  I don't know how old the girls were then  
>  I think if he already knew they weren't Agatha he'd go for older/post-breakthrough ones?  
>  It's only if he thought it actually was Agatha i think he'd try to put Lu in an actual child

He’s seen worse.

Klaus has seen so much worse, and he knows it.

He’s seen so many twisted atrocities committed by sparks in the name of science or any other number of things that he’s almost numb to them by now.

There is nonetheless something that strikes him about the depth of the anger these people display on behalf of women they’ve never met.

They aren’t numb. These horrors aren’t normalized to them, not at all. They’re looking at what happened and, even while acknowledging that at least one of the victims was an amoral monster herself, they empathize. They pity her. They’re angry about atrocities that aren’t even real, because the very idea of them is angering.

It’s refreshing, in some ways. Encouraging, maybe.

(If only he could find a way to teach so much as an _attempt_ at that kind of empathy to the sparks he came across.)

There’s more. There’s talk of ‘fractal improvements’ and Tarvek Sturmvoraus’s questionable ethics, of what could have gone wrong but hadn’t, more images that Klaus can’t see.

They do compliment the uniforms for the bubblehead controllers. They also note that Klaus, in the comic, tries to be reasonable.

He takes that as a good point.

> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:32 PM  
>  That’s why I said royal
> 
> **Ultra** Yesterday at 7:33 PM  
>  Fair.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 7:33 PM  
>  Seffie probably wouldn't threaten someone with knives for fun either  
>  so Anevka's just, uh, up and down a lot
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:33 PM  
>  Of course, Anevka being nice to the servant COULD just be a ploy…  
>  And we don't know how much was personality drift like Desmana's...
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 7:34 PM  
>  I don't think she's inclined to make trouble for the sake of it.  
>  I mean, telling off servants when she's got better things to do.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:34 PM  
>  Give me Anevka-centric flashbacks
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 7:34 PM  
>  also all the servants in Sturmhalten appear to live in terror of Aaronev?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:34 PM  
>  (I'm more likely to get more Muses, though.)
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 7:35 PM  
>  I think Tarvek's placating towards them too just because they're so terrified and apologetic so quickly
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:40 PM  
>  1\. There are contexts for those first two panels that do NOT belong here and yet my mind jumped to them anyway.  
>  2\. I still... really love Tarvek talking to the Muses for advice.  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Tarvek's a good egg.  
>  Well  
>  I mean  
>  He's not rotten, at least.  
>  Maybe a little undercooked.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:41 PM  
>  The muses job was advice, after all
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:41 PM  
>  I really, REALLY love that the closest we can come to saying "he's telling the truth" is with Moxana.  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  [sobs] HE JUST LOVES THE MUSES SO MUCH
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 7:42 PM  
>  He can trust them completely because they're on his side by their nature  
>  like Agatha and Jägers
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:42 PM  
>  [bursts into tears about Moxana]  
>  Anyway I really love how different parts of Europa just point at each other and go "You're fucked up." "No, YOU'RE fucked up."  
>  And then there's Lars, who's travelled most of the continent, who just goes "No. Hey. You're ALL fucked up and you need to STOP."  
>  http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/strips/ggmain20060501.jpg  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:43 PM  
>  Tarvek is trying to be good he’s just maladapted to normal moral behaviors  
>  Lars, poor Lars. You’re in the wrong genre
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:43 PM  
>  No wonder I love him  
>  Lars belongs in a slice of life anime.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:43 PM  
>  He aspires to live in a romance novel
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:44 PM  
>  I forgot about Maxim's instacrush on the first Smoke Knight we met.  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 7:44 PM  
>  I ship it
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:44 PM  
>  Oh bother, now I want to ship Maxim with that smoke knight
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:44 PM  
>  It's just  
>  Cute  
>  I love when we see Agatha dreaming about Gil.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:44 PM  
>  It is cute!!!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:45 PM  
>  especially the little heart when she's snuggling his coat  
>  Is this why Tarvek sabotaged the hologram thing?  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Like, I have so much trouble remembering the arc but it feels like "Oh shit, Klaus is gonna take Agatha and ruin her" might have been a valid reason in his brain?
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 7:45 PM  
>  ohhh that's possible
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:47 PM  
>  Tarvek. Pay some attention to the girl you're talking to, because she might not be the girl you think you're talking to.  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:48 PM  
>  ...oh no, now my brain has suggested Maxim/Violetta based on him flirting with that smoke knight and upon some reflection I think it could totally be cute
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:48 PM  
>  PURPLE
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:48 PM  
>  And taaaaarvek, you gotta check yourself
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:48 PM  
>  Before you WRECK YOURSELF
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:49 PM  
>  Not only are they purple, they’re purple AND wear stylish clothes, or at least want to be somewhat stylish
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:49 PM  
>  http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/strips/ggmain20060529.jpg(edited)  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Sneaks** Yesterday at 7:50 PM  
>  that's kinda a shitty reason for the hologram sabotage,  considering it gives klaus more reason for wanting her dead
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:50 PM  
>  I didn't say it was a good plan, I just said it's the only thing at the moment that kinda makes sense as I'm rereading.  
>  Hopefully I'll come across something better.  
>  Because... Sturmhalten arc  
>  Me: I love Anevka!  
>  Anevka: Hey, Selnikov, kill these dozens of innocent people.  
>  Me, through gritted teeth: I Love Anevka.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:50 PM  
>  Anevka did Some to Many Things Wrong
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:51 PM  
>  She killed her dad!  
>  That's one thing right!  
>  One... one thing.  
>  Just one.  
>  But it's a good one.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:51 PM  
>  She didn’t kill Tarvek from the jump when she killed her dad? Does that count?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:52 PM  
>  Maybe?  
>  Her insistence to Selnikov that Tarvek is on her side is just  
>  Gah.  
>  Tarvek and Anevka both excel at confusing the audience by telling people "Oh no, I was lying to this other person, this is TOTALLY the truth" and then just. Sometimes agreeing with each other?  
>  Did Anevka really believe Tarvek was on her side the entire time?  
>  Was she just playing along?  
>  I don't know.  
>  I started rereading Sturmhalten arc to make sense of it but hahahaha no  
>  aeygfolhaiuskhdfjam,sd,f I forgot about Lucrezia making fun of Tarvek for the dress.  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Also I'm guessing that Tarvek brought back Lu out of fear that the Giesterdamen would realize he had her out of the way?  
>  http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/doublespreads/extrabits/playwithdolls.jpg  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Maxim be crushing  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Sturmhalten is only about 200 years old, right?  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Built on ruins?
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:55 PM  
>  Sounds accurate
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:55 PM  
>  Maybe Syn actually went BACK in time to Ht'rok-din times.  
>  And built the underground temples that Sturmhalten now sits on.  
>  I like being reminded that the Geisterdamen have actual personalities of their own  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:56 PM  
>  God, I wonder what their society was like before Lu
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:56 PM  
>  Well  
>  Going by the time windows with Agatha and Gil and Moloch…  
>  Maybe we'll find out?  
>  (Ooooooooh I'll get to characterize Geister more, maybe!)
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:56 PM  
>  Let the Geisters be People
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 7:57 PM  
>  To be fair, we know very little of their society even post-Lu
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:57 PM  
>  True, but still
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 7:58 PM  
>  PHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  And you know what here's the last third of the page, because it's grand:  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Ognian no
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 7:59 PM  
>  oubliette oubladaa
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 7:59 PM  
>  I mean. Given that Oggie’s been a wild jager, I can’t blame him for being excited at seeing a family member
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:02 PM  
>  1\. Tarvek got kicked off the castle as a kid because he couldn't charm Klaus.  
>  2\. Conversely, Tarvek got LOTS of help from Klaus in England, so.  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 8:02 PM  
>  He had to hone that charm
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:03 PM  
>  I... legitimately forgot this was canon.  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 8:03 PM  
>  nice
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:03 PM  
>  I know she's logically, technically correct but  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  Anevka  
>  Have you never heard of Tempting Fate
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 8:03 PM  
>  Anevka you jinxed it
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:04 PM  
>  LITERALLY THE NEXT PAGE, TOO  
>  IT'S NOT EVEN FORESHADOWING IT'S JUST  
>  RIGHT THERE  
>  Also you'd think Anevka, of all people, would at least TRY not to underestimate Tarvek.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 8:04 PM  
>  Situational irony, right there
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:05 PM  
>  http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/strips/ggmain20060804.jpg  
>  Tarvek: When are you people going to stop thinking I'm bad at this.  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  That moment where Lucrezia and Bang are eeeeeeerily similar  
>  _[unable to load image]_ _  
> _ Oh my GOD, Lucrezia, just STOP  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  I STILL WANT AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  WAS HE JUST MIMICKING AGATHA OR ACTUALLY HETERODYNING
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 8:07 PM  
>  He could have just been humming? Maybe?
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:07 PM  
>  I don't think he can Heterodyne.  
>  But he can hear Heterodyning well enough to tell when the clanks are off?
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Yesterday at 8:07 PM  
>  ...au where Andy did have a kid with Euphrosynia and Tarvek is actually a Heterodyne as well
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:08 PM  
>  I think the plan with Tarvek and Anevka really was worked out between the two of them, but probably for a slightly different situation because I'm not sure they had time to plan it all after Lu appeared? Possibly they were planning to work it on Aaronev as soon as Anevka had a voice that could command revenants, but she wound up killing him first and then they had to use it with Lu.
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 8:08 PM  
>  I mean shit that’d be a really really good au
> 
> **Demeter’s Daughter** Yesterday at 8:09 PM  
>  I mean for a while I was toying with the idea that he got her pregnant and the Heterodyne line has actually secretly been the Storm King heirs ever since(edited)
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 8:09 PM  
>  I mean, we don’t know Tarvek couldn’t be related to the heterodynes by Aaronev for sure
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:09 PM  
>  so from Anevka's perspective I think the idea is that she breaks in, "saves" Tarvek, there is general rejoicing, they blame everything on Lu, Tarvek goes off to try being Storm King and Anevka takes Sturmhalten  
>  When she finds there's no Lu to blame things on she turns on Tarvek
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:10 PM  
>  Is she worried FOR him or BECAUSE of him? Probably the latter but the world may never know.  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  This implies that she's worried FOR him but... she's still Anevka.  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  This DOES imply that you're right, though  
>  _[unable to load image]_
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 8:11 PM  
>  Help now my brain can’t stop thinking about Tarvek, but he’s a little bit heterodyne  
>  I mean, damn, that might be why he and Martellus have the best claim- they’re descended from the branch of the family that’s descended from his intended bride and that adds an extra level of legitimacy?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:12 PM **  
> ** Ye!  
>  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm indeed you are  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/strips/ggmain20060830.jpg  
>  This entire page is a goldmine. I love it.  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  God this sequence fucks me up  
>  Anevka's so desperate to not die of her catafalque falling  
>  Tarvek freezes her and finally tells her the truth because she tried to kill Agatha  
>  Or, well, she tried to kill Lucrezia, which isn't THAT bad until you remember Agatha's innocent.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:14 PM **  
> ** Yeah, Anevka was def willing to make Agatha collateral damage  
>  I think that's where her synchronisation with Tarvek fell apart
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:14 PM **  
> ** This is just  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  We're supposed to be cheering for Tarvek
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:14 PM **  
> ** (the Spark wasp was still stupid, though)(edited)
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:14 PM **  
> ** But even with her minimal facial expression she's still so terrified.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:15 PM **  
> ** Yeah, I am... not cheering for Tarvek
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:15 PM **  
> ** I just  
>  God she's a terrible person in so many ways but she's so damn TRAGIC
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:15 PM **  
> ** I have to remind myself that Tarvek's not as damn smug as he's acting
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 8:16 PM **  
> ** Honestly this was the bit that had me the most upset with Tarvek as a whole
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:16 PM **  
> ** yeah
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:16 PM **  
> ** I hate what this does to everyone  
>  I just  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  I know a bunch of it is Tarvek acting up to fool Lu or whatever Geister is nearby or just to stay in character, just in case.  
>  But it's... it feels cruel.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:17 PM **  
> ** It _is_ cruel
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:17 PM **  
> ** And Anevka was cruel too, but it's  
>  Yeah  
>  It's not good
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:17 PM **  
> ** but I think Tarvek's doing it mostly because if he lets himself feel he's going to break down  
>  which doesn't make me happy with him,  still
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:18 PM **  
> ** Yeah.  
>  He's divorcing Anevka's clank from Anevka as much as he can while he talks
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:18 PM **  
> ** yeah
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:18 PM **  
> ** So that he doesn't have to deal with the inevitable breakdown  
>  Which he REALLY can't afford in this situation  
>  God I hate Aaronev for putting them in this situation in the first place.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:19 PM **  
> ** It's like if he can convince her that she's not real it will convince him
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:19 PM **  
> ** A lot of it is their own faults but also FUCK Aaronev
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:20 PM **  
> ** they're so screwed up
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:21 PM **  
> ** http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/ggmain/strips/ggmain20060913.jpg  
>  _[unable to load image]_  
>  [hisses]
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:21 PM **  
> ** and they could have been better people! Well, Tarvek is now, because he got the chance
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:22 PM **  
> ** Fuck Aaronev and everything he did to these damn kids  
>  You know I never even noticed Tarvek tearing up in that top middle panel before?  
>  Fuck OFF, Lucrezia  
>  _[unable to load images]_  
>  I mean he's back in character but  
>  Lu  
>  Just die  
>  Just  
>  just die, please.
> 
> **Khel** Yesterday at 8:22 PM **  
> ** TArvek, put her back in the box  
>  everyone in the room is asleep  
>  you'll figure something out!
> 
> **Zarcoal Pencils** Yesterday at 8:23 PM **  
> ** AU WHERE TARVEK TAKES ANEVKAS HEAD TO MECHANICSBURG
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Yesterday at 8:23 PM **  
> ** "I brought my not-sister."  
>  "Wait, not-sister?"  
>  "She's a ghost. Kind of. She's a clank based on Anevka's brain."  
>  "I am going to get a new body and then I'm going to destroy you, Tarvek."

There’s… a lot more after that.

A _lot_ more. Some of it is even relevant.

Trixie’s biased. Everyone is, Klaus remembers, because these are fictional characters and, as the server members have said on more than one occasion, it’s a lot easier to love someone despite their crimes when the someone in question isn’t real.

It doesn’t change the fact that they’re also not _wrong_. It’s hard to get the context fully. He doesn’t have canon access, and images won’t load, so Klaus is left piecing together the truth from audience reactions once more.

They pity the princess. They like her, sometimes.

They really, really hate Aaronev.

It’s not entirely impossible to imagine that Aaronev did what they accuse him of. Klaus doesn’t like to admit it, but it’s even… easy. Aaronev was obsessed with Lucrezia, even after his own marriage. Klaus isn’t sure if it ever actually went anywhere, but Lucrezia knew and knowing that she _is_ the other, he can see her taking advantage of that.

He’s pieced together some of this before. He’s seen enough of Aaronev’s crimes in the fanfiction that he’d known it.

It’s.

He doesn’t.

He can’t.

There’s something horrible about seeing it spelled out as an actual reaction to canon.

The others, he could pass off as wishful thinking, alternate universes, favored plotlines. He could keep hoping that it wasn’t that bad. That Aaronev had done wrong, been wrong, committed wrongs, but not been… that bad.

He could hope, with the fanfiction, that it was just the work of people who took pride in changing things to make them new and interesting.

He could hope that things were better.

“Canon” isn’t one-hundred-percent trustworthy either, but… it’s much, much harder to ignore.

Klaus feels a headache building.

(He thinks about what they said about the Sturmvoraus siblings.)

(He wonders, not for the first time, if he should have kept Tarvek aboard Castle Wulfenbach instead of sending him home.)

(He wonders this almost every night, these days.)

(It’s too late.)

(It’s been too late for years.)

(He regrets it more, now.)

(So much more.)

o.o.o.o.o

Klaus scrolls through again. He searches for hints.

He sees the yelling about “Phil” again.

It’s an outtake, probably. They’d mentioned the authors doing that before. Pictures would help, but he doesn’t have the context. It might be a character with the same name. It might be a… what was the term? A self-insert?

It’s almost definitely nothing to worry about.

(He worries anyway.)

(He worries less than he worries about Aaronev, and Lucrezia, and the entire blasted Valois family tree.)

(But he is, as the server is fond of saying, a paranoid fuck.)


	7. Klaus is Almost Possessed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus reads one of the most ridiculous conversations of his short Discord career, and has some very important realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is arguably the end of part one. Fun times!

Klaus opens the discord dingbot.

He sees the phrase "sexy robot brain."

He closes the dingbot.

Klaus rests his elbows on his desk, presses his face into his hands, and allows himself a moment to wonder how the hell he ended up in this situation.

He has a good idea of what he’s going to see when he opens up the dingbot again. Trixie has, despite complicating factors in her daily life, leaned fully into the joke of having a very intense attraction to clank women. He’s seen “sexy robot brain” more than once and, quite frankly, once was strange enough.

The idea of walking into yet another conversation about how terrible and dangerous of a person Anevka Sturmvoraus, heavily featuring someone who is _enamoured_ with the woman, if only jokingly, is something that fills him with a little dread. He can read quickly, but he can’t afford to waste time on conversations that probably won’t yield useful information. That said, he can’t really afford to delegate something like this, either.

Perhaps Boris… or Otilia…

He sighs and opens the dingbot again.

A quick skim reveals that the conversation is actually about… Prende? Ah. One of Otilia’s sisters, then.

He skips past the joking declarations of love for the Muse and tries to see if there’s anything useful to be gained from the rest.

> **Ultra** Today at 4:31 PM  
>  Thing is, I’m still wondering what caused that damage to Prende’s eye.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:31 PM  
>  Oh?
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 4:32 PM  
>  Mm-hm.  
>  She’s only got one eye glowing and active in her first shot, so the damage we see that keeps the other eye dark has been there for a while.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:33 PM  
>  Pretty hard to get injured in the crypts, probably. Madwa probably wasn’t the first person to cross the threshold, but…  
>  Yeah, most people wouldn’t have been good enough to injure a muse, right? Especially since we see how good Prende is against Madwa, and Madwa’s like. Top tier. The _absolute best_.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 4:35 PM  
>  Exactly. I’m thinking it might have been Andy himself, when they were fighting him down at the end? Or jagerkin during the war.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:36 PM  
>  Considering she’s guarding his furious zombie corpse ghost, that would be ironic.  
>  If it was Andy, I mean.  
>  She’s pretty devoted to him to the end, though. Pretty sure she’d at least be a little more conflicted if he’d done the damage, right?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:38 PM  
>  Two hundred years is enough time to get over it, right?
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 4:39 PM  
>  Probably, yeah. Still an option, but I doubt we’re ever going to get confirmation one way or the other.
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 4:39 PM  
>  Now I’m _curious,_ though.  
>  Somebody ask them next time there’s a con?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:40 PM  
>  Mood

_Furious Zombie Corpse Ghost_

Of… Andy? Andronicus, it has to be, they’ve used that shortening before and it… kind of makes sense in context, almost, except for the part where they’re suggesting that some angry dead version of _the thrice-damned Storm King_ is locked up somewhere.

He scrolls back up, reads a little deeper into the other conversation. Paris, apparently. And crypts… the Corbettites, perhaps.

He rereads the conversation a little more closely, and notes that it started out as brainstorming for some kind of AU, one they’ve even discussed before. Oh. Okay. They’re working off of a base of knowledge that isn’t actually the canon, then, which means that a ravening beast of an undead Storm King is about as likely as Skifander being on Mars.

It… still wouldn’t hurt to check, he thinks. Or at least to inform old Voltaire about some of the information he’s collected.

He switches channels, finds another notification that he’s missed _several hundred messages_ , and resigns himself to—

> **jebi li kad bi jeli** Today at 5:02 PM  
>  yeah  
>  oh excellent
> 
> **CoolSusan** Today at 5:02 PM  
>  We could make Klaus hug the wasp eaters
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 5:03 PM  
>  HUG THE WASPEATERS  
>  THEY ARE SMALL AND CUTE  
>  HUG THEM
> 
> **Tsundere Jane Eyre** Today at 5:03 PM  
>  LET US HUG YOU
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 5:03 PM  
>  HUG
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 5:02 PM  
>  hug the wiggly little friends
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 5:04 PM  
>  HUG  
>  HUG  
>  HUG  
>  HUG
> 
> **Tsundere Jane Eyre** Today at 5:04 PM  
>  HUG THE GIL
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 5:04 PM  
>  HUG THE GIL
> 
> **Tsundere Jane Eyre** Today at 5:05 PM  
>  holy crap we sound like some sort of cult
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 5:05 PM  
>  Press F to pay respects to our sanity
> 
> **jebi li kad bi jeli** Today at 5:05 PM  
>  F  
>  Hug
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 5:06 PM  
>  F
> 
> **Tsundere Jane Eyre** Today at 5:06 PM  
>  F
> 
> **jebi li kad bi jeli** Today at 5:06 PM  
>  HUG BABY WEASELS  
>  INTRODUCE BABY WEASELS TO KID TARVEK

_They keep going._

Jane isn’t wrong. They do sound like a cult. Klaus has no idea what’s going on, and he’s fairly certain he doesn’t want to find out, but this has the air of a conversation that will be used as a basis for inside jokes for… honestly, he’s seen a handful of inside jokes that reference jokes from at least a few months earlier, which isn’t much until he remembers that the server has only existed for two years, or something to that effect. He’s been here only a fraction of that time.

He has to understand what’s going on, or at least try to.

What he finds is… even more confusing. He has to actually switch channels, and read a different backlog, and then come back. This is not the first time they’ve done this. It’s still confusing.

> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:15 PM  
>  i'm envisioning a crowd of people hiding behind a corner while he interacts with gil, and just a chorus of no's when he fucks up
> 
> **Macnamara** Today at 3:16 PM **  
> ** I would love to be able to greek chorus at Klaus
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 3:17 PM  
>  Klaus: Gilgamesh. [Glances around the corner- we circle our hands to indicate that he should continue.] Gil. Son. [We give him a thumbs up] You are...not a disappointment. [Heads start frantically shaking] ...I mean. I'm proud of you. [Wide grins and thumbs up]
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:19 PM  
>  You know that set of background characters yelling "NO!" when Alexander Hamilton sleeps with Maria Reynolds? Yeah.
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:21 PM  
>  this combined with the possession SI  
>  20 possession SI  
>  possessed by the discord voice channel  
>  livestreaming
> 
> **ThatBird** Today at 3:22 PM  
>  Now there’s a nightmare for you
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:22 PM  
>  a shitpost to be sure
> 
> **CantaloupeGummy** Today at 3:23 PM  
>  L  
>  Livestreaming  
>  Klaus' life is a twitch channel and in his head is a scary fast-moving chat
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:23 PM  
>  poor klaus!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:24 PM  
>  So we're pulling Twitch Plays Pokemon
> 
> **CantaloupeGummy** Today at 3:25 PM  
>  oh no
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:25 PM  
>  omg
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:25 PM  
>  Except instead of a ten-year-old with pokemon... it's a 67-year-old dictator
> 
> **CantaloupeGummy** Today at 3:26 PM  
>  yes, yeah let's inflict that
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:26 PM  
>  pat your son on the head  
>  press x to pat!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:26 PM  
>  X
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:26 PM  
>  x
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:27 PM  
>  x

As… far as Klaus can tell, they’re joking about something to the effect of possessing Klaus en masse, in the vein of some game they know. “Twitch Plays Pokemon” gets mentioned at least once. Klaus doesn’t know what _that_ is, either.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:29 PM  
>  Gil ends up getting pat on the head about eighty times in the span of six seconds because everyone is spamming X  
>  He has no idea what's going on  
>  Klaus keeps walking into walls
> 
> **ThatBird** Today at 3:30 PM  
>  The chat: x x x X x XX x Xx  
>  Gil: ????
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:31  
>  we'd either run the empire into the ground or force klaus to have a nap while his capable people run it for him
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:32 PM  
>  Klaus, deadpan: I've been possessed.  
>  Gil: By... what?  
>  Klaus: Alternate universe teenagers who want me to hug you, apparently.
> 
> **ThatBird** Today at 3:33 PM  
>  ‘...plural?’

They’re… at least guessing his reactions correctly. Somewhat.

He’s very much hoping that this isn’t some horrifying future development of the dingbot. He eyes it suspiciously.

> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:35 PM **  
> ** gil legitimately can't tell if klaus is being straight up  'it would be wildly out of character for me to pat you so i'm making up the posession' or not
> 
> **ThatBird** Today at 3:36 PM **  
> ** X)
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:36 PM **  
> ** gil: do you need a nap. is this a test
> 
> **CantaloupeGummy** Today at 3:36 PM **  
> ** press y to make Klaus honestly discuss his feelings
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:37 PM **  
> ** gil: is this you trying to get me to practice running the empire, because if so i can totally do it, just please dont walk off that walkway again
> 
> **ThatBird** Today at 3:37 PM **  
> ** There’s write-in dialogue, but it lags a lot because they also have to vote on the best lines
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:38 PM **  
> ** long pauses while talking, man we're getting him landed in hospital for a possible stroke
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:38 PM  
>  Boris: He's been walking into walls all day.  
>  Klaus: Just put me out of my misery.  
>  Boris: I'm thinking we may need to call Dr. Sun.  
>  Klaus: I want it to end.  
>  Gil: I think... yeah, let's get Sun.  
>  Klaus, smacking himself in the face: Make it stop.  
>  Klaus has some control when there's lagging but mostly he just has control over whatever isn't being directly controlled.  
>  "Just strap me to a bed and call an exorcist."
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:39 PM **  
> ** livechat writing with klaus' hand: we're the ghosts of your dead uncles here to make him treat you better  
>  klaus: i don't remember having 20 brothers!
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:40 PM **  
> ** we're varying levels of apologetic for what this does to klaus but we're also sincerely trying to help

Klaus is pretty sure he’s going to get absolutely nothing useful out of this conversation.

Morbid curiosity is nonetheless a powerful magnet, of sorts.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:40 PM **  
> ** Klaus maintains a deadpan expression while patting Gil on the head  
>  Klaus punches Othar and can't even enjoy it  
>  "A Heterodyne! That could be very good or very bad, and--and I'm possessed again. BORIS, YOU'RE IN CHARGE."
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:40 PM **  
> ** the chat's has a 5050 shot of catching any scene from cannon  
>  the people who have read the comic attempt to implement their fix it  
>  Chaos (TM)
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:41 PM **  
> ** the people who are just there for the ride just try to get klaus to stub his toe on all and sundry
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:41 PM **  
> ** hence the walking into walls
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:41 PM **  
> ** Is it time to call the exorcist again
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:42 PM **  
> ** half of chat: WE'RE TRYING TO GET THINGS DONE  
>  the other half: who cares he makes a hilarious noise when he walks into walls lets do it again
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:42 PM **  
> ** the rumors are not that Gil chewed the furniture- it's that the Baron is possessed
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:38 PM **  
> ** Punch and Judy are so confused
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:42 PM **  
> ** somebody makes him lie down during the confrontation
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** Like, they were not prepared for Klaus to walk off halfway through a conversation and repeatedly smack his head into the wall.
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** the second the chaos sowers discover tha klaus is essentially super strong it's over for the infrastructure
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** so he doesn't have a leg wound
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** KLAUS IT'S TIME TO PLANK
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** punch and judy might be wondering if this is what it looks like if someone is a spark and somehow gets wasped honestly  
>  just. sometimes your body goes rebel on you and it's the pits
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** that would be such a surreal experience
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** then we play surgeon simulator to try and get klaus to drink  
>  klaus: just let go!
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:43 PM **  
> ** (and ngl that's both plausible and would make them so sad)  
>  (the wasp-spark assumptionn thing)
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:44 PM **  
> ** Klaus, with a look of utmost irritation on his face: ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD  
>  Gil: Oh no, they got his mouth.
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:44 PM  
>  oh no
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:44 PM **  
> ** (we would be super jazzed to play surgeon sim with Klaus)
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:44 PM **  
> ** surgeon simulator with othar by way of klaus  
>  what a fun minigame
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:44 PM **  
> ** Would P&J then be thinking that we were the other?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:45 PM **  
> ** The fact that Klaus manages to keep hold of the reins of the empire is honestly astounding.
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:45 PM **  
> ** klaus: no they're too incompetent to be the other  
>  klaus: more like if i was under the control of the entire school  
>  everyone else: ooooh.... my condolences
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:46 PM **  
> ** just, dozens of children  
>  the  thing were he just keeps patting Gil happens a lot  
>  Gil denies it but that's like 78% why he's not trying v hard to fix it
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:46 PM **  
> ** There is an "upgrade to hug" option
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:47 PM  
>  we all get excited when klaus is around gil
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:47 PM **  
> ** klaus the second gil gets in eye sight: HUG MODE ENGAGED
> 
> **Cool Susan** Today at 3:47 PM **  
> ** Is discord plays gg a new thing or did I miss that discussion earlier?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:48 PM **  
> ** The entire chat, in Klaus's head: HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY HUG THE BOY  
>  Gil: I was... working. Is this going to end soon?  
>  Klaus: No. It is not.
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:48 PM **  
> ** its new
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:48 PM **  
> ** It's new.  
>  Started in page discussion
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:48 PM **  
> ** it's like a level up:  
>  Congratulations! you have chosen to 'Pat' 10,000 times!  
>  you may now choose to 'Hug' instead!
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:48 PM **  
> ** new and hilariously stupid
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:49 PM **  
> ** i'm laughing out loud right now it's great
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:49 PM **  
> ** GIL SPOTTED  
>  MOVING TO INTERCEPT (gil is steadily cornered by his brick of a father in coordination klaus hasn't had since he was possessed)  
>  HUG ENGAGED
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:49 PM **  
> ** Von Pinn mostly approves  
>  OH MAN
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:50 PM **  
> ** the chat in klaus's brain starts celebrating wildly
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:50 PM  
>  this would be so disruptive to their lives, I love it
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:50 PM **  
> ** WHAT IF IT STARTED WHEN THEY WERE KIDS  
>  AND HAPPENED DURING THE TARVEK INCIDENT
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:50 PM **  
> ** oh no
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:51 PM **  
> ** Gil would have no idea
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:51 PM  
>  tarvek woul dbe ultimate concerned
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:51 PM **  
> ** he would be so confused  
>  klaus woudl be so mad
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:52 PM **  
> ** DISCORD JUST COMPLETELY RUINS KLAUS'S PLAN TO GET HIM OFF THE AIRSHIP  
>  Long enough to at least think it over
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:52 PM **  
> ** PICK UP THE CHILDREN  
>  HU THE CHILDREN
> 
> **Cool Susan** Today at 3:52 PM **  
> ** Press x to hug Tarvek
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:53 PM **  
> ** HUG  
>  HUG  
>  HUG  
>  HUG
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:53 PM **  
> ** Klaus picks them up by the backs of their shirts  
>  "Someone please fetch Boris and Von Pinn, I'm possessed again."
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:53 PM **  
> ** we strongly insist that he plank until he agrees to let Tarvek stay
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:54 PM **  
> ** we're just like "KIDS! BE NICE TO THE KIDS"
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:54 PM **  
> ** Tarvek, writing to his father: The Baron is possessed? I don't know by who?  
>  Klaus, drinking a bottle of straight vodka: Just let him send it, it's not like Aaronev is going to be able to do anything with this information, they hate him.
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:54 PM **  
> ** chat: stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself  
>  klaus: he's not staying!  
>  chat:  >:O
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:55 PM **  
> ** PLANK
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:55 PM **  
> ** PLANK
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:55 PM **  
> ** YOU STAY PLANKED AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU"VE DONE  
>  klaus: he's a bad influence  
>  chat: TPOSE
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:55 PM **  
> ** TPOSE
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:55 PM **  
> ** TPOSE
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:55 PM **  
> ** DO A HANDSTAND KLAUS
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:56 PM  
>  Boris: Sir?  
>  Klaus: Give it a guess.  
>  Boris: I'll engage the possession protocols again.
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:56 PM **  
> ** what even would he do though?  
>  I don't think there's anywhere on CW that could hold him  
>  I guess he could make one...
> 
> **Cool Susan** Today at 3:57 PM **  
> ** Some series of events gets him in the same room as Aaronev.  
>  STAB ARRONEV
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 3:57 PM **  
> ** Hulk cage
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:57 PM **  
> ** would chat make him rogue hug everyone on the ship in spurts
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:58 PM **  
> ** Possession protocols are mostly Boris delegating a bunch of shit until Klaus can hold a pen without drawing a dick on his face again.
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 3:58 PM **  
> ** we would 100% instruct the death of the Bad!dad
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 3:58 PM **  
> ** oh come on, he won't take us seriously if we make him draw dicks on things

Quite frankly, Klaus isn’t taking them seriously _now._

He’s… still going to keep reading.

> **Dearlyle** Today at 3:59 PM  
>  klaus: hello yes i've been possessed by a hug monster  
>  arronev arrives  
>  klaus: and apparently a stab monster good lord
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 3:59 PM **  
> ** Send assassins for aaronev klaus just do it
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:59 PM  
>  Chat: HUG HUG HUG HUG  
>  Klaus: [gets aimed in the wrong direction by anarchy]  
>  Klaus: [hugs Bang]
> 
> **Cool Susan** Today at 4:00 PM **  
> ** Doesn’t mean we won’t make him draw dicks on things
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:00 PM **  
> ** he wouldn't do that anyway  
>  [but at least you'd have your dignity]
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 4:00 PM **  
> ** I mean fair
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:00 PM **  
> ** the chat goes wild when bang gets hugged
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 4:01 PM **  
> ** some of us are very excited
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:01 PM **  
> ** manic glee
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:01 PM  
>  HUG THE STAB DAUGHTER
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:01 PM **  
> ** like my face reading this
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 4:01 PM **  
> ** YES  
>  ITS BEAUTIFUL
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:02 PM **  
> ** he of course gets stabbed as collateral, but it was worth it
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:02 PM  
>  Klaus continues to be completely deadpan while he hugs her
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:02 PM **  
> ** i'm genuinely laughing hard enough i'm starting to tear up
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:03 PM  
>  Gil: He's possessed.  
>  Bang, already stabbing: I DON'T CARE
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:03 PM **  
> ** Klaus would be so tired
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:03 PM **  
> ** that's your first mistake klaus, we take over when you're tired
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 4:04 PM **  
> ** at some point tommie gets sole control of a hand and writes out a bunch of lab safety rules
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  Press X to hug  
>  X
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  Y to stab
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:38 PM Today at 4:04 PM  
>  X
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  don't be wrong
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  X
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  X
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:04 PM  
>  X
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:05 PM  
>  x
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:05 PM  
>  does he hug jaegers
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:05 PM  
>  of coursse
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:05 PM  
>  hug the jaegers hug the jagers
> 
> **Zillow** Today at 4:05 PM  
>  well, _I_ want him to
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  HUG VON PINN
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  we have control  
>  we run the empire now!
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  hugging rampage  
>  this is an empire of hugs
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:06 PM  
>  AND THERE WILL BE HUGS!!!
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:07 PM  
>  an empire of good feelings and POSITIVE PHYSICAL CONTACT  
>  IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH PEOPLE
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:07 PM  
>  except for Aaronev
> 
> **Cool Susan** Today at 4:07 PM  
>  Hugging Von Pinn seems like it’d turn out badly
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:08 PM  
>  no hugs for aaronev
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:08 PM  
>  Lucrezia: [comes back to life in Agatha]  
>  Lucrezia: Klaus came BACK?!  
>  Tarvek: Well... yes.  
>  Tarvek: There's a caveat.
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:09 PM  
>  during the quiet times when people actually have to sleep and he's dealing with less people is he less split and a bit more coordinated, and attempting to negotiate with them to stop and leave him alone please by god
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:10 PM  
>  Lucrezia: That... definitely wasn't me.  
>  Tarvek: We know.  
>  Tarvek: The possession seemed mostly intent on making him hug his son. And employees. And jagerkin. And, on occasion, myself.  
>  Tarvek: There were so many hugs, Mistress.  
>  Tarvek: So many.
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:10 PM  
>  we're just full of affection
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:10 PM  
>  Look OF Confusion (TM)
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:11 PM  
>  error, lu has crashed
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:11 PM  
>  We accidentally press the wrong buttons when he meets Agalu  
>  And he ends up hugging her
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:11 PM  
>  deep inside next to 'I remember cake':
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:11 PM  
>  So tight she can't get the spark wasp out.
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:11 PM  
>  'I want a hug'  
>  downsides to keeping things in your Boob Lu
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:12 PM  
>  you might get crushed in a hug by a giant brick man
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:12 PM  
>  added bonus: no one is likely to shoot her that close to the Baron
> 
> **CharcoalPencils** Today at 4:12 PM  
>  is distraction time  
>  Tho hopefully someone is paying enough attention to provide the locket
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:13 PM  
>  Gil: Father, why are you hugging Miss Heterody--  
>  Tarvek: SHE'S LUCREZIA!  
>  Klaus: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE CONTROL RIGHT NOW
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:13 PM  
>  now klaus just don't shove your hand between her boobs to get it and you'll probably be fine
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:13 PM  
>  aksdhflkjx  
>  someone copy pastes the phytness test meme
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:14 PM  
>  ao7oywegifbu[ahopis;dlfjaotudfhapk  
>  OYAGEBUPFNOAILDHPAFIU;SDHFKAJ  
>  Klaus goes to Paris for advice
> 
> **Dearlyle** Today at 4:14 PM  
>  simon: what do you want kla-  
>  hugged  
>  klaus: please save me from the toddlers possessing me
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:14 PM  
>  everytime he seems close to a breakthrough we get disruptive
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 4:15 PM  
>  He takes both Agatha and Moloch from Clay Mechanical because we keep yelling both names at THE HIGHEST VOLUME
> 
> **Gecko** Today at 4:15 PM  
>  that's why he let Gil go to Paris- he was there the whole time!  
>  it didn't totally work

_They then convince themselves that it’s a great idea to extend this ‘condition’ to Castle Heterodyne._

Klaus is, as the kids say, very done.

He’s also still reading.

They keep coming back to “hug the boy.”

Oh, there are other jokes in there, about the realization that control has shifted, freedom almost in grasp, and then ripped away. Baby bricks. Shipping. Tommie’s benign obsession with lab safety. Killing Zola.

(He still doesn’t know who Zola is.)

They always come back to forcing Klaus to hug Gil, though.

It drains even the horrified amusement from him, because it’s yet another sign of how badly he’s doing as a parent, by their standards. He’d dismiss it as just being _their standards_ , except they’ve frequently brought up the effects on Gil. Some, Klaus considers necessary; their horror that he modified Gil’s unconscious body in secret in his childhood is outweighed by the fact that those modifications have saved Gil’s life on more than one occasion, and that he was too young to keep those secrets when they were happening.

Klaus doesn’t believe in their kinds of optimism. He will admit that there were problems with what he did, but he will not deny that they were _necessary_.

That said, they _are_ right about other things, even in his eyes. The fact that Gil considers himself dispensable is unacceptable, and Klaus had seen as much in Beetleburg. The fact that Gil is, by their canon, unconvinced that Klaus truly cares for his safety, or for _him_ , is… it’s…

Well, that’s not really acceptable either, is it?

Klaus closes the dingbot and leans back in his chair and puts a hand over his eyes. It’s nearly midnight. He has to get ready for bed at some point. He has to sleep. He has an empire to run. He has so many things to do.

He has to talk to his son.

o.o.o.o.o

“Father?”

Gil looks like hell. He’s been obsessing over Punch and Judy, no doubt, and Klaus isn’t sure what to do with that information. Convincing Gil to rest would be unlikely to do any good, and hypocritical to boot.

“Come in.”

Gil hesitates at the doorway. Klaus generally chooses to have meetings with his son in his office. He has rarely, if ever, invited Gil to visit in a more private setting, and inviting Gil to the tearoom of his own suite is… not unheard of, but not particularly common, either.

(Another mistake, perhaps.)

“Take a seat,” Klaus says. “Tea?”

“What’s this about?” Gil asks. He takes the offered cup, sniffs it without _looking_ like he’s checking for poison, despite that being exactly what he’s doing. His eyes narrow on Klaus. “Are you dying? Is that what’s happening?”

“No,” Klaus says. “I’m going to tell you a story.”

“I’m not a child anymore,” Gil says. Unsaid, and perhaps unthought by Gil, is _and you never told them then, either, so it’s a little late now._

Klaus shakes his head. “You’ll want to hear this one.”

“O...kay…” Gil says. “I’m listening.”

Klaus spent the night considering how to begin, and there are no pretty ways to say it, not really. Gil will inevitably ask how Klaus was sent and trapped in the first place, and given how much of the situation revolves around Lucrezia, as bookends, of a sort… well, it’s best to get that part over with quickly.

“When Lucrezia Mongfish decided that she was going to marry Bill Heterodyne, she decided she needed to get me out of the picture,” Klaus says. He keeps his eyes on his son, who is already looking uncomfortable. Unavoidable, really. “She tricked me into drinking a sedative, and then sent me on a one-way trip to a place called Skifander.”

“She _tricked_ you?” Gil asks. He wrinkles his nose. It’s not an attractive look, and Klaus idly wonders if Miss Heterodyne is going to have opinions on Gil’s thinking face. _“You?”_

“Lucrezia was a consummate actress,” Klaus tells him. “And she had the advantage of my trust, at the time.”

“There’s something you’re not telling me, already,” Gil says.

Klaus pinches the bridge of his nose. “Gilgamesh, there are things you don’t _actually_ want to know.”

“I think I do.”

Klaus looks at the ceiling for answers, and, upon finding none, turns to Gil. “She and I were engaged in an intermittent physical relationship at the time, before the engagement. It was… distracting.”

Gil looks vaguely ill.

“May I continue the story?”

Gil continues to look vaguely ill, and doesn’t say anything.

Klaus waits.

“Erk,” Gil manages. He shudders, a motion that consumes his entire body. “Okay.”

Klaus raises an eyebrow.

“You were right, I didn’t want to know that,” Gil mutters. “Right, so, uh, Skifander?”

“It was a location I had visited with the Heterodyne Boys before, but only for a short period of time, and it was difficult to get to, and even harder to leave. To get back, I’d have needed years. Their queen, Zantabraxus, had spoken with us on our previous trip, and she remembered me. She agreed to help me, providing food and shelter and supplies, in exchange for some collaboration on several of her own projects.”

“A Spark?” Gil asks.

“A powerful one, yes,” Klaus confirms. “A powerful warrior, too. She trained me in a number of Skiff disciplines, including ones that induced some conflict with the higher members of her court. Her High Priestess was not particularly fond of my person, my presence, or my reversal of their own gender roles.”

Gil tilts his head, the silent question.

“Skifander is matriarchal. Women rule and fight, while men are the caregivers. I was both a Spark and a capable fighter in my own right, and many of Skifander were displeased by that,” Klaus says, and then hesitates. “Zantabraxus… did eventually ask me to marry her, and I agreed.”

Gil is very, very still. His eyes are very, very wide.

Klaus isn’t sure if Gil is prepared for this conversation, but quite frankly, Klaus isn’t sure _he’s_ prepared, either, and he’s been expecting to have it for over two decades.

“We had some pleasant times together,” Klaus says. “I had, by that point, rather given up on coming back to Europa. We had…”

Klaus falters.

“You had a son,” Gil says, his voice rough.

“Twins,” Klaus corrects. “You had a sister. _Have_ a sister.”

Gil’s hand is shaking. Klaus wonders if the cup is going to shatter.

“They were going to kill you.”

The handle of the teacup snaps.

“What?” Gil breathes. The word is thoughtless, an ingrained reaction.

“Skifander doesn’t like twins. I don’t… I don’t know if Zantabraxus had planned on blocking those who wanted to kill you, or if there was a miscommunication, and your death was to be only ritual and legal, but not physical or… or otherwise real. Whatever the case, I stayed only a month after your birth, and then I took you and ran. If they were going to kill a twin, it wasn’t going to be the girl.”

“Matriarchal, you said,” Gil manages. He’s looking pale and unsteady.

“Yes. One of Zanta… one of your mother’s projects was an attempt to fix one of the Queen’s Mirrors. I managed to get it working, over the weeks following your birth, and used it to escape, closing off the way behind me. I figured that ‘gone’ was as good as ‘dead,’ and I’d hoped Europa would be safer, as far as places to raise you went,” Klaus finally breaks his gaze from Gil’s, looks down at his teacup and tries to ignore that there is, in fact, a growing lump of emotion in his throat. “The Other War was in full swing by that point, and my barony was in shambles. Europa was no safer for you than Skifander was, so I took it upon myself to _make_ it safe.”

“By conquering it?!”

Klaus doesn’t look up, not yet. “Yes, by conquering it. I started the school to gather young leaders and teach them leadership styles less terrible than their families’, and to give you somewhere to hide. I gathered Mistress Von Pinn from the ruins of Castle Heterodyne, and gave you to her as a charge, someone she could keep safe when she’d failed to do so for Lucrezia and Bill’s first child. I ended the war where I could, and eventually the Other… she went quiet.”

“She?” Gil prompts.

It’s probably too much information to sift through. Gil’s latching on to the part that’s easiest to question, the part that feels more like _facts_ than like _emotions_ , and Klaus is fairly certain that Gil’s learned that from him.

He’s not sure it was a good thing to learn, all things considered.

“I have long suspected… and recently confirmed… that the Other was Lucrezia Mongfish.”

Klaus looks up, watches Gil’s face. Shock, first, and a little grief for a broken pedestal, and then—

“Wait, you _slept_ with _the Other?”_

Klaus doesn’t pinch the bridge of his nose again, but it’s a near thing. “That’s the only thing you gathered from all of that?”

“You—she— _you had carnal relations with the Other!”_

“In my defense, she wasn’t doing any of that yet when I was with her,” Klaus said flatly. “You seriously have no other questions?”

Gil settles down, looking faintly mutinous but no longer yelling about what may _actually_ have been one of the biggest mistakes of Klaus’s life.

Well, no, it was _definitely_ one of the biggest, just not necessarily _the_ biggest.

“Fine, so I have a sister, I have a mother, I’m not just one of your experiments, you apparently _conquered Europa_ just to keep me safe and never actually _told me_ that, and you… were… with the Other.” Gil throws his hands up in the air. “Why tell me all of this _now?!”_

Klaus has a laundry list of reasons, really. There are quite a few. But, to keep it simple… “I’ve seen you risking your life as if you’re dispensable, and I need you to know that you are not. I’ve been told that you seem to believe that I don’t hold your safety as a priority more important than my own, and I need you to know it is the _only_ thing I care about, and that if all else falls away, it’s what I need to know is still… I need you to know that I will put you ahead of all of Europa if that’s what it comes down to.”

Gil looks as though someone just smacked him in the face with a half-frozen, half-rotten fish.

(Klaus knows this because someone, in fact, _had_ done that just a few weeks ago, and he remember exactly what that looked like.)

“And the last reason is…” there is, again, no easy way to say this, “I’ve good reason to believe that your sister may be in Europa.”

“What.”

“It’s been suggested that she is traveling with the circus that young Miss Heterodyne ran into when she escaped, and…”

Had Klaus told Gil that Miss Heterodyne was probably alive?

“What?” Gil asks. “And _what?”_

“There is something else I may have forgotten to tell you.”

Gil makes a peculiar noise, something halfway between a steaming kettle and an irritated boar. “What _now?”_

“Miss Heterodyne is probably alive.”

Silence.

“And travelling with the circus.”

More silence.

“And being taught how to fight by your sister.”

Gil is… probably still breathing.

Klaus peers closer.

Yes, he’s definitely still breathing. That’s a good sign.

“She’s… alive,” Gil says. He tenses, and in the second he stands up, Klaus is already blocking the way.

“Don’t.”

“You just said she was alive!” Gil protests. “I have to go find her!”

“No, you don’t,” Klaus says. “In fact, I want you to ask yourself what, exactly, a girl who _faked her death so thoroughly_ is going to want from the people who were following her in the first place?”

Gil pauses. “...help?”

 _“Distance,”_ Klaus says. “I’ve dealt with enough sparks to know what’s common. I’ve ensured that her path is safe, and we’ll send someone to meet her in Mechanicsburg to begin negotiations for a transfer of the town _without_ spooking her.”

“I’ll—”

“No,” Klaus says. “You will wait until she’s agreed to see you, because, as you told me yourself, you _proposed_ to her with minimal warning or even sign that she was more than passingly interested in you. Your skill with women seems to be no better than mine, so you’re going to hold back until she feels comfortable, secure, and is _willing_ to see you. You are the heir to the empire. If the empire is what she’s running from, then you are one of the largest threats she has.”

Gil still looks a little like he wants to vault over Klaus and run for the nearest airship, but he no longer looks like he’s actually _going to do it_.

“What’s her name?”

“Hm?”

“My sister. What… what’s her name?”

Klaus relaxes, just a hair. “Zeetha. Her name is Zeetha. If you meet her… well, she _might_ try to kill you, but I’m hoping she won’t. As far as I know, she came here with other goals and had no intention of seeking you out. I would still prefer if I spoke to her before you did, if only to confirm. If you do meet her before I do, then…”

“Then?”

“Then she will most likely introduce herself as ‘Zeetha, Daughter of Chump,’” Klaus says. He winces. “There were some communication issues, early on, so most of Skifander still… knows me as Chump.”

Gil closes his eyes. He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes, and makes the strained half-kettle noise again. He even stamps his foot against the ground, as if it’s going to get rid of the excess energy he has coursing through him right now. It takes him a full minute to relax, drop his hands, and take a deep breath.

“Is there anything _else_ I need to know?” Gil asks. He looks very tired.

“I’m sending you to Paris for a mission,” Klaus says. It’s a whim, but… well, it’ll work, at any rate. He’s been considering it. “With DuPree.”

Gil makes a helpless gesture. “Anything else?”

“Some of the modifications I made to your body to make you harder to kill were inspired by the Jägers, or outright based on them, so… that may be something to be aware of.”

Gil closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and sighs it out through his teeth. “Please tell me that’s the last of it.”

Klaus considers it. There’s probably more, but that’s… all of the important things, really. Gil is still on his feet, and so is Klaus, but Gil looks ready to storm out of here and stew in all the realizations.

Klaus thinks back to all the suggestions from the odd little community the dingbot had connected him to.

(He’s going to have to thank Miss Heterodyne. He’s heard she likes death rays, but that may not be enough, now.)

Klaus steps forward, envelops Gil in a hug, and squeezes him as tightly as he can without causing harm.

Gil squeaks.

“I love you,” Klaus says, and the words feel clumsy on his tongue but he’s still saying them. They’re hanging in the air like unplucked fruit, tenuous and shaky and at risk of the very wind tearing them away. “You are my son, and I love you more than anything else on this planet or any other. I need you to know this. You are my entire universe, Gilgamesh, and don’t you _ever_ forget that.”

Gil stands there, frozen, like so many other times today. It’s been a long, heavy conversation for both of them, and Gil’s been on the receiving end of too many life-changing revelations already. He shivers a little, and then tries his best to hug Klaus back, even though his arms are too small to reach all the way around, and they’re halfway pinned to his sides anyway.

“I… I love you too, father.”

(A very nice ‘thank you’ for Miss Heterodyne, indeed.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [chinhands] Sooooooooooooooo watcha think?


	8. Klaus Learns About DnD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are the toddlers in the chat, and then there are the toddlers on their way to Paris.

> **_#off-topic_ **
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 11:42 AM  
>  I took some of the advice of the members of this server.  
>  I spoke with my son about some things that I’ve been putting off for far too long.
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 11:44 AM  
>  Nice! Did it go well?
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 11:45 AM  
>  It went better than I expected, in all honesty.  
>  That was several days ago, and while I haven’t had the time to really check in, I’d like to thank those of you that convinced me it was necessary.
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 11:51 AM  
>  Good for you, man
> 
> **Charcoal Pencils** Today at 11:52 AM  
>  I know we’re basically kids compared to you, but we’re proud of you for doing that.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 11:53 AM  
>  Good job!!!  
>  I feel like we’re the supporting cast in a Hallmark movie  
>  Too bad it’s not Christmas
> 
> **ribosome** Today at 11:55 AM  
>  Nice!
> 
> **Void** Today at 11:56 AM  
>  I have minimal knowledge of what your relationship with your son is like but this sounds like a step in the right direction so hell yeah.
> 
> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 11:56 AM  
>  Communication is good!  
>  I’m glad you managed to talk to your son about… whatever the problem was.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 11:57 AM  
>  As am I.  
>  And now, though I somewhat fear the answer, I do feel as though I need to ask if I missed anything interesting in the last few days.
> 
> **CantaloupeGummy** Today at 11:58 AM  
>  DND AU  
>  YOU MISSED THE DND AU
> 
> **Void** Today at 11:58 AM  
>  OH MAN THE DND AU
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 11:59 AM  
>  I don’t know what that means.
> 
> **Cassandra** Today at 12:00 PM  
>  the tabeletop roleplaying game? you might have seen it in the English or gaming sections of bookstores.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 12:01 PM  
>  I’m afraid not, but I’ll take a look.
> 
> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 12:01 PM  
>  If you have any questions, about half of us play. We can answer if you’re confused.
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:01 PM  
>  okay so d &d is a tabletop roleplaying game, one of the most well-known  
>  The Classic, if you will
> 
> **Unnerving** Today at 12:01 PM  
>  tho it isn't the easiest to start
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:01 PM  
>  idk what rpgs are big in europe  
>  but over here in america d &d is the game people think of when you talk about roleplaying
> 
> **Unnerving** Today at 12:01 PM  
>  D &D is fairly popular  
>  as is Vampire  
>  yep
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:02 PM  
>  the base premise is that you play as a group of adventurers in a fantasy setting  
>  and you go around killing monsters, looting ruins, and in general being the people you hire to hit things with swords  
>  or magic
> 
> **Unnerving** Today at 12:02 PM  
>  and one player  is the storyteller who sets up challenges for your adventurers
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:03 PM  
>  of course people modify that premise a LOT for their own individual games
> 
> **Unnerving** Today at 12:03 PM  
>  so you can have a steampunk mad sceince game that based on politics  
>  or  a hack and slash combat based game
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:03 PM  
>  a group is usually like, 5-7 players including the storyteller (for d &d, known as the Dungeon Master, or DM)  
>  d&d has had... five editions? now, with dramatically different rulesets and playstyles  
>  i dont know if od&d and 1e are the same thing  
>  or if 1e is ad&d
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 12:04 PM  
>  and the theres pathfinder
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:04 PM  
>  4e was a massive departure from 3.5, to the point that the company paizo came out with an rpg that's just 3.5 with the serial numbers filed off called- yes pathfinder  
>  pathfinder is basically everything from 3.5 they could legally copy  
>  hmmmmmmm if youre not familiar with ttrpgs at all...  
>  you roll Dice
> 
> **ArtistAntro** Today at 12:06 PM  
>  I'd love ot play it too but between the social anxiety, lack of RL people to play with and time constrants I just make up characters for fun
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:06 PM  
>  you have a bunch of numbers that correspond to attributes like strength and intelligence and charisma ("ability scores") and you also have like, skills youre specialized in
> 
> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 12:07 PM  
>  A cooperative storytelling game where rolls of polyhedral dice are used to simulate the outcome when it's an Unknown Result, also used in concert with numerical values describing character traits and abilities.
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:07 PM  
>  ooh, concise  
>  d &d is what's known as a d20 system  
>  because its core dice mechanic is rolling a 20-sided die  
>  you also use 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12-sided dice, but the 20-sided one is the one Everyone uses All The Time  
>  you also get "100-sided dice" or "percentile dice" frequently but thats actually just two 10-sided dice
> 
> **Unnerving** Today at 12:09 PM  
>  CRIT 1 AND CRIT 20
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:09 PM  
>  ive seen 100-sided dice and theyre just big golf balls basically  
>  crits are actually only in combat
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 12:09 PM  
>  d100 systems are... weird
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:09 PM  
>  you dont automatically fail ability checks on a natural 1 thats not in the rules  
>  it's a ubiquitous houserule and i kinda hate it
> 
> **angelcake524** Today at 12:11 PM  
>  Also the character have classes which effect how they do combat
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:11 PM  
>  i still wanna play a wizard who makes a dungeon or twelve
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 12:11 PM  
>  druid tournament arc
> 
> **Void** Today at 12:11 PM  
>  i was always so fascinated by the spell lists  
>  oh man and i also was so in love with the sections of the books about artifacts and planar cosmology...  
>  dangit i miss the dm guide there was so much fun stuff in there

The conversation rambles on from there. Klaus just lets it happen.

o.o.o.o.o

Gil’s fiddling with something. It’s some fancy toy, a little madgirl clank that looks a lot like the ones that Heterodyne chit had left all over the place.

“What’s that?” Bang asks, kicking Gil in the shin to get his attention.

He jumps a little, and glares at her, and that’s honestly hilarious. The airship is pretty small, and the crew matches the size, so it’s not like they have a whole lot of room anyway. The fact that they’re not bumping into each other _more_ can only be attributed to the fact that they sat down at the little tea table, and Gil’s been more interested in the little clank than in paying attention to Bang trying to balance one of her knives on the other, using only the sharpest tips.

She’s almost cut herself five times. It’s great.

Gil eyes her suspiciously, still rubbing his shin. “It’s one of the little clanks that Agatha left behind.”

“Must be pretty interesting if you’re spending that much time trying to figure out how it works,” Bang said. “Is it different from the other ones?”

“Do you actually care?”

“Nah, but I’m bored and I can’t set you on fire, so maybe if you talk it’ll be good background noise.”

Gil rolls his eyes. “It’s a communication device, I think. I’m having trouble figuring out to _what_ , though.”

“What, Mr. Sparky Genius can’t figure it out?” Bang teases. “Why would she leave a communication device, anyway? It can’t be to _her_ , or you wouldn’t have been all mopey about her being dead.”

“It’s not… it’s all text-based, it’s near-instantaneous, it’s all in English, it’s to a large group of people, and they seem to treat the entire world as _fiction!”_ Gil through his hands up in the air. “Are they from another world? Is it just a really weird group of art sparks? Why did Agatha even _try_ to contact them, if it was intentional? If they're from another world, then how did she manage it? They know things about my life that they shouldn’t, and they _want_ things to happen that I really don’t!”

Bang squints at him. “Are you drunk?”

“No.”

“What do they want you to do?” Bang asks. “Can I see?”

Gil puts his arms protectively around the clank. “No.”

“Boring,” Bang declares, kicking her legs up on the table and laughing when Gil scrambles to keep the tea from spilling. “Okay, fine, what do they even want?”

Oooooh, that’s a _very_ interesting shade of red. Gil’s face even twitches a little, and he looks like he’s torn between being embarrassed and hurling. Maybe hurling and _then_ being embarrassed, that would be fun! She can make someone else clean it up before she has to deal with the smell for too long.

“Things,” Gil finally says. “That I’m not comfortable with.”

This time, Bang is the one rolling her eyes. Ugh, take all the fun out of it. “Whatever.”

“They talk about you, sometimes,” Gil offers, which Bang doesn’t want to admit grabs her attention, except it _does_ , and also shame is something that happens to other people, so she’ll admit it all she wants.

“Do they, now?” She says. “Awww, are they scared of me?”

“I don’t check in much,” Gil says flatly. Of course he doesn’t, because that would be _interesting_ , and Gil doesn’t actually try to be interesting unless there’s a half-naked girl in danger again. That was true in Paris, at least. He’s been a bit more open-minded about when to not be boring since then. “And no, they think you’re fictional. I think they’ve referred to you as the Stab Daughter a few times, so at least they know what’s really important.”

Bang feels her face twitch. Daughter? _Daughter?_ “What the hell?”

“They refer to anyone under the age of thirty as a son or daughter, I think.” Gil shrugs. He looks annoyed, and tired.

“Why don’t you check in much?” Bang asks, deciding to ignore the Daughter bit, because they clearly recognized the importance of Stab.

“Because I value my sanity?” Gil mutters, snorting. He shakes his head.  “And because I was spending… a lot of time on a project, earlier, and didn’t have time for this. But my father apparently knew about the project, so he’s got someone looking after it while he sends us off to talk to the Master, and I don’t have anything better to do right now.”

Bang thinks there are a lot of things they could be doing right now, but Gil’s still kind of a wimp, and Klaus would be annoyed if she cut him up too much, so that’s not really in the cards. She still wants to set him on fire, though. Maybe later.

“Let me see what they’re saying about me,” she demands, hopping up onto the table and looming over Gil as best she can. She doesn’t get the chance to loom over Wulfenbachs very often, because both of them are built like walls, and she likes to enjoy the chance when she gets it.

“DuPree, the tea!” Gil shouts, fumbling the clank from one hand to the other and trying to rescue the drinks.

“Ignore the tea, I want to know what your weird friends think of me!” Bang says, hopping over his head to land behind him and lean over his shoulder. Aww, it’s so nice of him to stay seated like this. “Lemme see!”

Gil groans. “I hate you.”

“A lot of people do,” Bang reminds him. “I do it on purpose. Show me the fun stuff!”

“You hate reading.”

“Yeah, but this is about _me_ ,” Bang points out. It’s a very important point. Definitely a valid argument. Of _course_ she’s more interested in doing annoying things if people are going to talk about how awesome or scary she is!

Gil gives her a Look, like she’s a weird goopy thing he found in an abandoned spark lab that latched onto his elbow and now keeps calling him ‘poppa.’

Oh man, she can’t _wait_ to get back to Paris.

He opens the clank, and it boots up.

**_ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE RYUU GA WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!_ **

Bang has no idea what that means.

“What’s that?”

“A loading screen,” Gil says. “I think. I don’t spend a lot of time on this thing, Bang.”

A bunch of words and lines pop up, and Gil rolls a little ball around so that a tiny green arrow on it goes to a small box in the corner. The box says _Search_ , so at least Bang knows why.

She looks at the screen. “What’s a Starbucks?”

“Coffee shop, I think,” Gil says, typing something on the keys. He’s distracted. Maybe she can— “Please stop trying to stab my shoulder, I’m _already_ doing what you asked.”

“Spoilsport,” Bang huffs. Gil keeps doing things on the screen, pausing to read things but never slow enough for her to keep up with what’s in the little scrolly thing, so she tries to read the words in the big middle part instead. They have nothing to do with her, or with violence, so she stops paying attention.

“Fair warning,” Gil says, as he does something that makes a bunch of little clicking noises come from the typewriter bit and the little rolly ball. “I haven’t read this conversation before, so I don’t actually know what’s going on in it. I just know they mentioned you a few times.”

“I don’t care,” Bang tells him.

“Okay,” Gil mutters.

> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:28 PM  
>  concept: crit role fusion au. The Adventure Squad (aka, Agatha, Zeetha, Violetta, Gil, Tarvek, Bang). Pegging people into slots very, very loosely, Zeetha is Keyleth (on a journey to prove her worth as the next ruler of her people), Tarvek is Percy (snobby noble with ptsd and a dead family), Violetta is Vex/Vax (grew up physically provided for but emotionally neglected by her shitty family), Gil is Pike (taken from bad circumstances and raised away from the rest of his family),  Bang is Grog (lost her home/power base  & taken in by Gil's family), Agatha is Scanlan (set out into the world after the death of her main caretaker(s))
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:30 PM  
>  I don't know enough about Critical Role to really... make any suggestions or comments, tbh.  
>  I DO know enough about DnD (never played, really want to, enjoy the stories) to toss in on that front?
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:31 PM  
>  I talked to **@Augusta Longbottom** a few days ago about that concept, actually. Tarvek as the tired DM who hates all his players for breaking his game. His shitlist, in ascending order: Agatha (always finds a third option that destroys his plot but always does it so beautifully he can't complain), Violetta (trashes his sidequests but leaves the main plot in peace), Zeetha (pays TOO much attention to sidequests, keeps trying to seduce NPCs into becoming reoccuring characters), Gil (always does the sTUPIDEST shit for no goddamn reason), and Dupree (her main goal for every session is to make Tarvek headdesk at LEAST once)  
>  If you listen to the adventure zone, Gil is "magnus swallows the rock" levels of stupid shenanigans, except all the damn time

“I don’t get it,” Bang says.

“I told you, I don’t know what’s going on,” Gil says. He seems annoyed. “Trixie’s saying ‘never played,’ and Prof mentioned players, so it’s probably some kind of game.”

“Being run by Prince Squealy?” Bang asks. Is that what a DM means? It says ‘his players’ and ‘his game,’ so probably. “Why _him?”_

“He’s apparently relevant to the story they know,” Gil tells her. “He comes up a lot.”

“As much as me?” Bang asks.

“More,” Gil tells her. “It’s usually Agatha, myself, and Sturmvoraus. I don’t know why he’s important yet.”

“Because you’re never there.”

“Yes, because I’m never there,” Gil confirms, not rising to the bait. “Because they say things that make me want to smash my head through a wall.”

“Like what?” Bang asks. “Wait, is that what ‘headdesk’ means? Smashing your head through a table?”

“Probably?” Gil says. “Listen, do you want to read this or just question me all night?”

“I’m confused and bored,” Bang declares. “Entertain me. Also I want to hear about how I’m making Squealy suffer.”

“Of course you do,” Gil mutters.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:32 PM  
>  Zeetha: Can I roll to seduce the dragon?  
>  Tarvek: NOT AGAIN.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:32 PM  
>  Tarvek: I'M MAKING AN OFFICIAL RULE. NO SEDUCING THE MONSTERS.  
>  Zeetha: you never let me have any fun : (
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:32 PM  
>  Tarvek: So, the princess is starting to titter. It's hard to tell if she's flattered or offended.  
>  Gil: I DROP MY PANTS.  
>  Tarvek: You-- What? Why? You know what, fine, you drop your pants, and the princess lets out a scream in surprise. Congratulations, the entire ball's attention is now on you.  
>  Bang: I take this opportunity to start stealing the silverware.  
>  Tarvek: IT'S NOT YOUR TURN, DUPREE.  
>  Gil tried to make his character impulsive at one point, and Tarvek pointed out that the character was thinking things through and not being all that impulsive, just as a note at one point, and Gil WAY overcorrected.  
>  And now Tarvek can't stop him.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:33 PM  
>  Travis said once that Grog was just him but 100% impulse, which I feel.......... works well for any character Gil plays
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:33 PM  
>  Zeetha: Does the Faerie Queen count as a monster?  
>  Tarvek, absentminded: Uh, no.  
>  Zeetha: I ROLL TO SEDUCE.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:33 PM  
>  Tarvek: [headdesks]  
>  Dupree: hey! that's my job!  >: (

Bang is on the floor cackling by this point.

She looks up, sees Gil’s wide eyes and red face, and laughs even harder.

“I hate them all,” Gil mutters. “So much.”

 _“Dropping your pants in front of a princess!”_ Bang shouts.

“In a game made up by people I’ve never met in a story I have no actual control over!” Gil protests.

Bang is having trouble breathing. Holy shit, this is _hilarious_. This is the best thing _ever._

“DuPree, please stop laughing at me,” Gil says. “I’m… sure there are other things for you to laugh at.”

_“You dropped your pants!”_

“And _you_ started stealing the silverware!”

Bang points at him, suddenly serious. “Hey! I would steal _so_ much more than the silverware, and I’d do it in front of their faces instead of waiting for you to _drop your pants in front of a princehahahahaha!”_

Bang has to brace herself on Gil’s chair to not fall again.

“Okay okay okay,” she gasps. “Let’s keep going.”

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:34 PM  
>  I want to imagine that Violetta takes the opportunity to play like  
>  An elf sorceress in the BIGGEST, FLOOFIEST DRESS POSSIBLE  
>  "She fights with magic, so she doesn't need pants."  
>  "I'll take the hint and get to work on that dress you wanted for the winter ball, fine."  
>  "Awww, thank you, Tarvek. You're my favorite cousin."  
>  "I'm the only one that hasn't tried to LITERALLY KILL YOU."  
>  "I know."  
>  Does Krosp play? I feel like he might.  
>  Depending on if it's a modern au or just DnD-exists-in-GG.  
>  Okay, so modern au Krosp: He KIND OF plays.  
>  The give him a die, and he knocks it off the table.  
>  And the way it falls determines how the character acts.  
>  "Krosp, does your character accept the queen's invitation?"  
>  knocks quarter off of table  
>  "Heads. Looks like a yes!"
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Wednesday at 10:35 PM  
>  Agatha: does it count? I don't think it counts. I didn't roll it. [finds the die, it's a nat 20] THAT COUNTS!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:35 PM  
>  I am reminded of this post:  
>  [ http://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/153909591975/bagofgroceries-chibisquirt-scrawls  
>  ](http://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/153909591975/bagofgroceries-chibisquirt-scrawls)"Just says 'I am Groot' and lets Steve decide" is basically how everyone treats Krosp. Is he playing? No. Is everyone coming up with what the meow means anyway? Absolutely.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:35 PM  
>  If Tarvek is DM, then who's playing Tarvek in canon?  
>  Can I suggest a completely awful idea?
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Wednesday at 10:35 PM  
>  is this a shitty awful idea or a "how could you do this you monster" awful idea  
>  either way i'm in
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:36 PM  
>  Shitty.  
>  aweypais/fdj;aksd okay so Modern AU playing DnD in a homebrew that takes the form of GG, except since Tarvek is DM, modern AU Martellus (who's still kind of a dick, but like... not AS much) names a character after his cousin, the DM, and proceeds to play him Like That.  
>  And Tarvek keeps GLARING at him and then introduces Martellus as an NPC called Tweedle and Violetta just has  
>  All the popcorn.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Wednesday at 10:36 PM  
>  that's the funniest fucking thing i've ever heard  
>  this DEFINITELY happened and DEFINITELY occured over winter break in the teenager territory basement of grandma's cabin in the mountains  
>  and Tarvek couldn't stop him bc he'd already gotten yelled at three times in as many days for getting into fights with Martellus
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:36 PM  
>  Martellus is allergic to cats.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Wednesday at 10:37 PM  
>  because it's CHRISTMAS tarvek can't you be an ADULT for once you're in HIGH SCHOOL now in the REAL world etc etc etc
> 
> **Khel** Wednesday at 10:37 PM  
>  Tarvek introducing his entire family as out to kill him starts to sound like he's sulking at this point
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Wednesday at 10:37 PM  
>  Tarvek: Seffie threw a knife at me!  
>  Violetta: it was a table knife! she was four!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:37 PM  
>  So when Tarvek gets in trouble AGAIN there's a tiny horde of teenagers behind him and Agatha's threatening to throw a cat into Martellus's face.  
>  It's the most effective threat, tbh. Allergies.  
>  If baby Seffie was anything like my little sister, Martellus probably has pencil lead stuck somewhere in his body.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Wednesday at 10:38 PM  
>  rippppppp  
>  actually, not rip, good
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:38 PM  
>  Tarvek: And so, upon Agatha's waking, she finds herself in a room with Martellus. He is fixing his hand, a collection of knuts and bolts and joints that look crude but work surprisingly well, and he informs her that he has changed her body chemistry so that she must touch him every few hours or risk death.  
>  Martellus: I FUCKING WHAT.  
>  Tarvek: No, no, you're playing m--  
>  Martellus: I'M TELLING GRANDMA THAT YOU'RE SLANDERING MY GOOD NAME.  
>  Tarvek: WHAT GOOD NAME?
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:38 PM  
>  [makes camera lense with hands] I'm imagining this so that Martellus jumps up at "I FUCKING WHAT" and then sprints up the stairs, and Tarvek yells "WHAT GOOD NAME" after him as he tries to catch up
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:39 PM  
>  BASICALLY  
>  Violetta's shrieking with laughter at this point.  
>  Zeetha, too.  
>  I'm not sure how Bang knows everyone.  
>  Maybe she was Gil's babysitter when he was in middle-school and she was in high-school, and Klaus got her an internship and so they're still Thick As Thieves.  
>  And Klaus only agreed to let the twins go on the trip if Bang went along with them.  
>  "She'll make sure there's no canoodling."  
>  "FATHER!"  
>  "I know how you look at that Heterodyne girl. And the Sturmvoraus boy."  
>  IDK group trip to Grandma's? She wanted to meet all of Vi and Tarvek's little friends?  
>  That's how I've been imagining it.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:39 PM  
>  OH THE GRANDMA'S CABIN THING no I was imagining that as like.... just a sturmvoraus cousins thing  
>  we're on SUCH different tracks how did this happen  
>  also i'm 100% certain that Agatha would not willingly show up to any group activity that required spending extended time being in the same room as Martellus von Blitzengaard, so
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:40 PM  
>  True.  
>  Maybe Klaus and Grandma own cabins in the same mountains.  
>  "It's just one afternoon, and then Mr. Wulfenbach will be back, and we can all go back to Gil's place and avoid Tweedle again."
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:40 PM  
>  aaaaaah  
>  "Listen Gil blew up his kitchen and I'm not holding one at BANG'S house and your house it too small so it's a necessary evil, I'm sorry, PLEASE COME"
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:41 PM  
>  Seffie shows up with Colette when they get to the Paris arc and Seffie is more bearable, even though she has her character doing Weird Things like backstorying herself stealing Gil's mail, while Colette is FUN, and Tarvek is SO excited to play DnD with Colette again, it's been AGES.  
>  OOooooh they play a few rounds in the local coffee shop, and Van gets off his shift just a few turns in so they incorporate him into the gameplay.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:41 PM  
>  Agatha pulls him a chair without bothering to ask Tarvek first
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:41 PM  
>  Tarvek takes over "himself" as soon as they get rid of Tweedle.  
>  "Can you both DM and be a character?"  
>  "YOU CAN WHEN TWEEDLE IS INVOLVED."  
>  Bang and Violetta are munchkining half the game.  
>  Tarvek is the kind of DM that probably likes a munchkin, though, so long as they don't get TOO weird about it.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:42 PM  
>  Zeetha, gleefully: I can't believe you made yourself do a complete 180 from creeper to vulnerable heart-throb  
>  Tarvek: I'm not going to let Tweedle get away with--it's not me!!!! [over the entire table cackling] IT'S NOT ME! SHUT UP!

Klaus doesn’t know how much information he’s going to get out of this. He’s got the unfortunate feeling that it’s going to be a _lot_. He also has the feeling that this conversation is going to only get worse, conceptually. He hasn’t had the _time_ to check discord for a few days, and he has the option of just marking the channel read and leaving. He can do that. Despite how excited the children were to tell him about this game, he doesn’t actually _have_ to read this. He can leave.

He also… can’t afford to, if it’s as informative as he expects it’s going to be.

Klaus resists the urge to sigh and pulls over a sheet of paper, grabs a pen, and notes down a few things off the bat.

They’re continuing to focus in on the potential relationship between Gilgamesh, Tarvek Sturmvoraus, and Miss Heterodyne. The fact that Bang features is fairly important; Klaus has _suspected_ that she’s important to the narrative, but the fact that she’s involved in the AUs as often as she is… is probably an important sign. He’s not sure if it’s a good one.

While the Sturmvoraus siblings feature fairly often, the rest of the Valois rarely do. The exceptions are, of course, hating Aaronev, and the occasional featuring of Martellus and Xerxsephnia Von Blitzengaard. Klaus has _seen_ mentions of Martellus as a rival Storm king heir, but that doesn’t really mean much. There are probably dozens of those, scattered across Europa.

That said, if the narrative focuses as it does, Martellus is most likely a strong contender for the throne, which means Klaus has to keep a sharper eye on him. Given what Aaronev’s apparently been able to get away with under his nose, Klaus is resigned to looking a little closer into what that particular branch of the Valois have been doing. The dynamic presented in this particular AU, as well as a few past ones, suggests that Martellus and Xerxsephnia are, while not on the best terms with Tarvek _or_ the empire, plausibly people he could convince to work with him.

(It’s a good thing, then, that Gilgamesh and DuPree have some orders to look further into them, as subtly as possible.)

(This won’t be very subtle, probably, but Klaus can work with that.)

(He _thinks_ the allergies are AU-specific.)

(Probably.)

He’s already noted that Krosp is important somehow, despite being a cat. This version of the cat in question is… well, modern AUs tend to result in less information. He’ll see.

Honestly, the most concerning thing so far has been _‘he informs her that he has changed her body chemistry so that she must touch him every few hours or risk death.’_

That may even be AU-specific, but if it’s any indication of his true skills and pragmatism, Klaus has a problem on his hands.

Knowing the Valois family tree, it’s completely accurate.

 _Van_ , that’s Vanamonde Von Mekkhan, he knows that name, he’s seen it before and read the fics, and quite frankly the coffee connection is worrying in its own way.

Klaus does not know what a munchkin is. He’s fairly certain he’ll find out eventually.

(He’s rather tired of being made to feel sympathy and even fondness for Aaronev Tarvek Sturmvoraus.)

(It’s really quite guilt-inducing.)

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:43 PM  
>  Bang spends the entire Si Vales Valeo plotline making dirty jokes.  
>  "What? I'm off doing a sidequest while you guys get to do the fun stuff."  
>  OTHAR is a librarian who sometimes joins them when they ask to borrow a meeting room when none of their houses are available.  
>  He's  
>  Bombastic
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:43 PM  
>  that's such a waste though, you could have Tarvek doing the OTHAR TRYGGVASSEN, GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER! Voice
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:44 PM  
>  Tarvek: Okay, so this is the script if we're at the library and Othar joins in, this is if we go to the cafe and Van can jump in, this is if we get stuck with Tweedle again, this is if we need to make room for Seffie and her Paris friends, this is for--  
>  Gil: Are you okay.  
>  TRUE, true, Tarvek doing an Othar voice is hilarious.  
>  He would have to kidnap himself.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:44 PM  
>  Zeetha, even more gleefully: did you turn yourself into a damsel in distress?!?!?!?!  
>  Tarvek: shut up!!!!!
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 10:44 PM  
>  character tarvek is so useless half the time bc dm tarvek is juggling so many plotlines he forgets what hes doing
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:45 PM  
>  that's so fucking real
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:45 PM  
>  Seffie and Colette and Martellus ALL show up and Tarvek just  
>  "Fuck it, I'm kidnapped."  
>  "Who kidnapped you?"  
>  "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH Librarians."
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:45 PM  
>  Gil promised to show up for the paris arc and then there were so many scheduling conflicts that Tarvek just wrote him out of the arc out of spite
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:46 PM  
>  "Wait, you got kidnapped again? Who--"  
>  "Martellus."  
>  "WHY WOULD I KIDNAP YOU?"  
>  "BECAUSE I NEED TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE THE REAL YOU IS HERE."
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:46 PM  
>  Seffie: just have grandma kidnap you! JEEZ!  
>  Tarvek: ...that's not a bad plan.
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 10:46 PM  
>  i cant believe tarvek writes all of his relatives into the game as antagonists

“Why’d they put Squeally in charge?” Bang whines, draping herself over Gil’s shoulder. “He’s just making everything about himself. Show me more stuff about me.”

“He’s not doing it, the… _people_ in this community are doing it,” Gil grumbles. “Besides, don’t you like seeing him get kidnapped? That’s kind of like torture, right?”

“Ugh, I _guess_ ,” Bang says. “But only if you actually hurt them! Or if you get to torture them _after_ you kidnap them!”

“Didn’t you do enough of that in Paris?” Gil asked, leaning away from her and glaring at the knife she’d hidden in her palm and tried to dig into his ribs. “Besides, he apparently gets kidnapped _all the time._ You don’t even have to do it yourself, you just have to _wait.”_

“What a _wimp,”_ Bang grumbles, and feels Gil’s shoulder stiffen. She looks down at him. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re being all suspicious,” Bang says. She pulls a knife and holds it under his chin. “Don’t lie to me.”

“Is this _really_ necessary?” Gil complains. He’s not even scared, the ass. “Bang, I just think I saw a few things about him being more competent than you think, but it’s also _not_ the most reliable source of information, okay?”

“That’s boring,” Bang tells him.

“Do you want to keep reading or not?” He asks, seeming as annoyed as Klaus usually is. Awesome! Bang loves annoying Wulfenbachs. They’re so… rocky.

“Reading is boring,” Bang declares. “But I want to hear more about me, so keep going.”

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:47 PM  
>  Gil just made a character and then Zeetha made HER character and she and Tarvek are consistently editing backstory as stuff happens so that Game!Zeetha is Gil's Secret Twin and IRL Gil still doesn't have a clue.  
>  He thinks they're completely separate characters.  
>  I mean, Violetta catches some breaks?
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:47 PM  
>  [gets down on one knee] [pops open ring box] marry me
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 10:47 PM  
>  oh! vi is anxious about roleplaying sometimes which is why she has a tendency to just disappear when not needed  
>  based on my own habits
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:47 PM  
>  [grabs the ring] FUCK YES TAX BENEFITS
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 10:47 PM  
>  ah, true love

Bang squints at the screen. “They think you’re pretty stupid, huh?”

“Shut _up.”_

“What does marriage have to do with tax benefits?”

“You are _twenty-eight years old_ , DuPree, _how_ do you not know this?”

“Uh, I don’t _care_ , obviously?”

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:48 PM  
>  Bang somehow always roles 17+ when she's fighting.  
>  There's like three Nat20s in a row when she's fighting on the lesbian pirate ship.  
>  Tarvek: [relates the GG Tarvek &Gil backstory]  
>  Violetta: Are you still bitter about Klaus refusing to let you and Gil play on the same soccer team when you were eight because your dad pissed him off at the PTA meeting?  
>  Tarvek: ...NO.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:48 PM  
>  Zeetha, sotto voce: starcrossed lovers  
>  Agatha: [snorts so hard she sprays water out of her nose]
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:48 PM  
>  Anevka's on study abroad and manages to Skype in for about three  sessions before the time zones and her class schedule start getting in the way to the point where she has to stop.  
>  Tarvek: Okay, so, uh... I remove Anevka's head and replace it with a new head, which has Lucrezia's brain in it.  
>  Anevka, via Skype: Are you sure?  
>  Tarvek: Not in the slightest, but it's happening.  
>  Agatha's older brother is off at college and has no chance of playing because he's juggling eight different projects and six classes and an internship and--  
>  "Wait, so I'm dead in your game?"  
>  "Yeah, Tarvek said that it was in honor of the death of your social life."  
>  "RUDE."
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:49 PM  
>  FUCK I ALREADY PROPOSED NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GAG ABOUT ADDING KB TO AN AU CONCEPT
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:49 PM  
>  RENEW THE VOWS
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 10:50 PM  
>  concept: Vi doesnt make much of a backstory and tarvek doesnt warn her how he's introducing her character  
>  her anger at having to cart tarvek around? totally legit

“They think I fight good!” Bang crows.

“This isn’t _news!”_

Bang ignores him. “That’s what the whole Nat20 thing is, right? Something about being completely awesome? Yeah. They think I’m great, and that you’re oblivious. Ha! Take _that_ , Mr. Educated!”

“I hate you so much.”

Bang grins as wide as she can and settles her arm on Gil’s head. “Who’s KB?”

“Given that he’s mentioned as Agatha’s older brother? Probably Klaus Barry Heterodyne.”

“The kid that died in the first Other attack? Yeesh.” Bang shudders. “Okay then. What’s with the whole ‘new head’ thing?”

“I have no idea. It’s come up before, and I still don’t know what it’s about.”

“Because you’re never there.”

“Shut _up.”_

“I wanna meet this Violetta girl. If she’s tired of Squeally then maybe she’s not so bad!”

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:50 PM  
>  Tarvek and Gill have WAY too much fun with turning Game!Klaus into a Major Antagonist.
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 10:50 PM  
>  they keep one-upping each other with how awful he is
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:51 PM  
>  is the mind control Gil's move or Tarvek's
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 10:51 PM  
>  the head!klaus plot is at least partially gil's idea
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:51 PM  
>  Gil: My dad keeps trying to get me to do more college applications. Ugh, it's like he can't stand the idea of me doing my own thing.  
>  Tarvek: [scary shiny glasses] I have an idea…

“...head Klaus?” Bang asks. _“Mind control?”_

Gil stares at the screen. “I don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“I feel like that’s probably not the best thing,” Bang says. She almost feels worried. “You’re sure these people don’t have real information?”

“DuPree, I have been avoiding this for most of the past few weeks, I don’t _know,”_ Gil says. “Maybe it’s just one of those, uh, headcanon things? Headcanons, yeah.”

“That’s making a lot of assumptions.”

“My father _hates_ mind control,” Gil snaps. “There’s a _reason_ he hunts down the Other’s technology so… um…”

Bang waits.

“...that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t use it, does it?” Gil sighs. “He told me _three days ago_ that he puts me ahead of Europa’s safety. Or, well, he made Europa safe _for_ me. Why would he use _mind control_ on _me?”_

“Because he’s obsessed with controlling everything and sometimes that means you?” Bang suggests. “Whatever, let’s keep reading.”

“But—”

“You can do that search thingy later! I want to see if they think I’m cool.”

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:52 PM  
>  Agatha: Okay, so, my Aunt Gkika is visiting tomorrow, and she said she wanted to sit in on one of our games to see what we were doing. Apparently she used to play a lot a few decades ago? Do you guys mind?  
>  [general noises of irritation but agreement]  
>  Gkika: [becomes a raunchy tavern owner offering medical services five minutes in]  
>  Tarvek: THANK YOU
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at Wednesday at 10:53 PM  
>  she just takes over an npc without a word of warning  
>  tarvek is thrilled
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at Wednesday at 10:53 PM  
>  she walks in, grabs a beer from the fridge, sits down and puts on the heaviest eastern european accent Tarvek has ever heard
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at Wednesday at 10:53 PM  
>  tarvek keeps making gil roll perception checks during his convo with zeetha  
>  and he keeps flubbing them  
>  gil thinks zeetha's up to something but tarvek's just being a dick about how long it takes for gil to realize he's naked
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:53 PM  
>  Zeetha nat 20'd her insight check at the beginning of the conversation and screamed into a pillow when Tarvek pulled her into the living room and told her the twin thing, so now she's just fucking with Gil in and out of game as much as physically possible
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:54 PM  
>  she included the thing in her backstory but she expected! an NPC!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:54 PM  
>  I want Trelawney Thorpe to be an actual person.  
>  Also Wooster.  
>  Probably dating in real life.  
>  But Trelawney IS a celebrity IRL, someone that Gil is a huge fan of.  
>  Probably a SciFi writer?
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:54 PM  
>  Gil: oh, Tarvek named a character after you in our d &d game  
>  Wooster: .............................................. why  
>  Gil: he's REALLY bad at naming people
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:55 PM  
>  And never believed that Wooster actually knew Trelawney, despite his claims.  
>  So the two of them just SHOW UP one session and Trelawney immediately jumps in while Gil is gaping at Wooster.  
>  Wooster: :v: :sunglasses: :v:  
>  Tarvek was forewarned and already worked them into the plot.  
>  Gil is tripping over himself the whole time.  
>  It's part of why he doesn't get to interact with her until later in the session.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:55 PM  
>  Zeetha: Hey, can I have a sexy love interest?  
>  Tarvek, remembering Zeetha's crush on one of the TAs they had in history the year before, which she'd never made a move on, because age differences and so on: Sure!  
>  Zeetha, upon hearing that Tarvek has introduced a character named Higgs: I Have Made A Mistake

Someday, this will end, and Klaus will never have to see people speculating this intensely on his children’s alternate universe love lives and his own apparently terrible parenting again.

Someday.

Today is not that day.

He _really_ needs to look into Higgs soon. He also needs to remind Gilgamesh that he shouldn’t be so used to being naked around young women that he doesn’t even notice when it’s happening.

That said, he… does somewhat appreciate Gkika. He’d known her before, and given the server’s attitude towards her, she’s a positive figure in the canon as well. He hopes she’ll be willing to listen to him, when the time comes.

> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:55 PM  
>  Tarvek is the Worst Friend
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:55 PM  
>  He is.  
>  Gil is laughing the entire time.  
>  It's their revenge.  
>  Bang and Vole weren't planned, though.  
>  That was just  
>  Tarvek isn't sure WHY he didn't expect Bang to immediately want her character to fuck the monster.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:56 PM  
>  Bang: I'm gonna fuck him  
>  Tarvek: [headdesk]  
>  Bang: wow! I wasn't even trying that time!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:56 PM  
>  Agatha: Hey, so why is my mom the main villain?  
>  Tarvek: I'm still pissed about all the shit she put you through before CPS got there and gave Lilith and Adam custody, and I figured it might be cathartic.  
>  Agatha:  :cupid:
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:56 PM  
>  Agatha, jokingly, after they leave: I'm gonna fuck him  
>  Zeetha: atta girl
> 
> **Khel**  Wednesday at 10:56 PM  
>  Tarvek deciding DnD is good therapy for parental issues  
>  all the parental issues
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 10:57 PM  
>  Dupree, the only person at the table WITHOUT major parental issues: wow you guys are messed up huh
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:57 PM  
>  I mean, some of their guests are doing okay.  
>  Vanamonde loves his granddad.  
>  Colette's family is annoying but loving.  
>  Main group's fucked, though.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 10:57 PM  
>  Some people's parent issues are more deep-seated or freakier than the others'.  
>  Most of the group can't make it one day, so it's just Tarvek and Van and Bang alone in the Cafe.  
>  Bang: We can do a mini-campaign. About one of your jagers.  
>  Tarvek: You have a character in mind?  
>  Bang: I'm gonna call him IVO SHARKTOOTH. He's a jager and he's kind of a private investigator, but he sucks at it, so he's really more of a private jager.  
>  Van: I'm in.  
>  Tarvek: ...sure, why the hell not.

_Of course DuPree was the one to engage in coitus with the jäger._

He really should have seen that coming.

Klaus doesn’t know what CPS is, but he’s fairly certain he can attribute that one to their world, not his.

...He finally has an idea of who Ivo Sharktooth is, beyond just ‘a jäger.’ The answer does seem to imply that the man is less important than he’d previously assumed, but at least this is something.

> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 10:59 PM  
>  Gkika, healing Gil: Nat 20  
>  Tarvek, frustrated: You rip the whole healing device straight out of Gil's leg in a way that would shock and disturb any real doctor. Gil, make a willpower check to not be terrified.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 10:59 PM  
>  Gil: 3
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 10:59 PM  
>  Tarvek, suddenly gleeful: you think, My god this woman is insane, she's going to kill you by an arterial bleed.  
>  Gil: wait what she Nat 20d though  
>  Tarvek: did you pay attention to what she was actually going to do?  
>  Gil: no. Unconscious.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:00 PM  
>  Tarvek, while they are running around in the Castle: Zola knows you from Paris! What do you do?  
>  Gil: I tell her I'm a pirate.  
>  Tarvek: All right, fine, roll bluff.  
>  Gil: Nat 20.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:00 PM  
>  Tarvek, flinging up hands: Fine! She believe that you're a pirate, and that Zeetha, Theo, Sleipnir, and Higgs are your crew.  
>  She also is now convinced that you're bisexual.  
>  Gil: Sweet!
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 11:00 PM  
>  Gil: I mean, she's not wrong
> 
> **Megara** Wednesday at 11:00 PM  
>  Van: I grab the coffee from her before she drinks it. I'm her seneschal. I have to taste it first.  
>  Tarvek: .....Roll constitution.  
>  Van: ...1.  
>  Tarvek: You drink the coffee and see the turn of the universe. You're Stunned for the next three turns, and no ecstasy will ever truly compare.  
>  also I know you mentioned ingame Gil being "I eat the Philosopher's Stone" levels of impulsive and, yes, absolutely, but please consider:  
>  jiminez god damn Hoffman  
>  "Before you is a single pedestal with a glowing orb atop it."  
>  Aldin: Okay, can I roll Arcan--  
>  Jim: I grab the orb before Aldin can investigate it.  
>  Aldin: screaming

“Wow, you’re a wimp!” Bang says, full of cheer.

Gil stares at her. _“What?”_

“What?”

“You knew me in Paris!”

“So? You’re a crybaby! You’re all sensitive and stuff!” She elbows him in the shoulder. “And look, you’re freaking out because someone just tore something out of your leg! _Baby.”_

“DuPree, you—”

“And!” She continues, “You apparently told this Zola chick you were a pirate. Clearly, you admire me, because I’m amazing.”

“You’re _something_ , alright,” Gil mutters. “And, what do you mean, ‘this Zola chick?’ _You were in Paris with me. You carried her out of a burning building and then yelled at me for three hours because I lost my wallet and couldn’t buy you the bribe beer.”_

“Wait, the shrieky blonde one? Ew.” Bang makes a face. Zola was annoying.

“Yeah, well, she knew I was with you all the time,” Gil says. “It would be an easy lie to make. And see? They say it worked! So _ha.”_

“They also said you’re bisexual,” Bang says, seeing a flush creep up Gil’s cheeks. “So _ha!”_

“Listen, whether or not I like—”

“I’m a _pirate queen_ ,” Bang reminds him, rolling her eyes. “I don’t _care.”_

Gil glowers for a moment, and then turns back to the clank in a huff. “Fine. Who even _are_ these Hoffman guys, and why—”

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:02 PM  
>  There's always a "wait, what?" Moment when someone first sees Tarvek announce that it's Krosp's turn.
> 
> **Megara** Wednesday at 11:02 PM  
>  "Wait, he's not done yet, he has to use his army of bears."  
>  Krosp: [meows]

_“Army of bears_ ,” Klaus mouths, staring at the screen in mild horror. He kind of hopes this is something the server just… came up with.

But no, Krosp was one of Vapnoople’s. Klaus knows this. And if anyone would have an army of bears that could avoid the Wulfenbach Empire’s attention this long, it would be Vapnoople.

If anyone would secretly tie the control for their army of bears to an adolescent cat emperor and have it _work, it would be Vapnoople._

> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 11:03 PM  
>  I told Meghan about the Tarvek  & Zeetha collabing on Gil's secret twin thing, and she suggested that Gil demand to see her character sheet, because she clearly knows who his mom is and he can't remember how old her character is  
>  Gil: ARE YOU MY MOM????  
>  Zeetha and Tarvek: [dying of laughter]
> 
> **Megara** Wednesday at 11:03 PM  
>  omfg  
>  I DON'T TRUST YOU! WHAT IF YOU'RE MY MOM
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:03 PM  
>  Klaus is horrrified to find out that Zeetha is running this plan  
>  SHE KNOWS
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 11:03 PM  
>  Klaus: so how did the game go  
>  Gil: [still shell shocked] Zeetha and I are twins  
>  Klaus: WHAT???? WHO TOLD YOU?????  
>  Gil: what??????  
>  Klaus: shit  
>  Gil: [pulls out his phone] I'M CALLING ZEETHA RIGHT NOW  
>  Klaus: DON'T YOU DARE  
>  Gil: [pressing himself against the door as the phone rings] YOU HAVE TO KEEP BOTH HANDS IN THE WHEEL WHEN DRIVING
> 
> **Megara** Wednesday at 11:04 PM  
>  gil and klaus yelling in... probably not a minivan but i'm picturing a minivan
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 11:04 PM  
>  No it's absolutely a minivan  
>  Zeetha answers her phone and it's just Gil and Klaus shouting over each other
> 
> **Megara** Wednesday at 11:04 PM  
>  'WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME?'  
>  'EVENTUALLY!'  
>  'uh--gil?'  
>  'WHEN? WHEN I -- WAIT, DID YOU STEAL ME? WAS I GOING TO SEE MY FACE ON A FUCKING MILK CARTON?'  
>  'I DID NO SUCH THING'  
>  'definitely still here, on the phone'  
>  zeetha puts them on speakerphone with zanta
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 11:05 PM  
>  Rest in fucking pieces  
>  he hears a very familiar voice yell "CHUMP" and goes dead silent  
>  Gil: wow I've never seen anyone shut him up that fast
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:05 PM  
>  I LOVE  
>  Tldr Zeetha enlisted Tarvek's help in coming out as Gil's secret twin sister.  
>  The entire game was an excuse to tell Gil in the most entertaining way possible.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:06 PM  
>  Zeetha told Bang or Violetta and this whole thing is their joke
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 11:06 PM  
>  the parent trap, but accidentally and with d &d

Bang stares at the screen, parsing the words and hoping that it’s just her admittedly not spark-level grasp of English that’s failing her here.

She puts her hand on the back of Gil’s neck, thinks for a moment, and then explodes.

“What!”

“DuPree, let go!”

“You have a sister!”

“Yeah!”

“A twin!”

“Yeah!”

“What the—I didn’t know that!”

“Yeah, well, neither did I!”

Bang and Gil stare at each other for a long moment.

“You… didn’t know you had a sister.”

“I didn’t.”

“...your dad just… didn’t tell you?”

“He told me _three days ago.”_

Bang considers this.

“Gil, that’s messed up.”

“I’ll mess _you_ up…”

“Ha! I invite you to try, _kid_.”

He doesn’t try.

_Boring._

> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:07 PM  
>  god imagine the fun dmvek has with the underground kingdoms arc  
>  "You enter into a large formal gala. A fantastically well dressed woman, really this lady is dressed absolutey to the 9s, a fucking belle if you ever saw one...[continues like this for 5 minutes]... and claims to have once met you in  Zumzum."  
>  "Zumzum? but..."  
>  "Agatha. Roll perception."
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 11:07 PM  
>  I'm imagining Tarvek doing the Jenka voice and it's gr8
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:07 PM  
>  Agatha rolls and fails perception like 8 times to notice the bear and a fed up tarvek says "Jenka says, 'Ah... you don't trust me. Perhaps you'll remember Fust?' And she points like directly behind you at the giant fucking bear that you were leaning on.'
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:08 PM  
>  Tarvek and Gil during that moment where Tarvek, in canon, imitates Klaus?  
>  Imagine that DMvek plays Klaus like that consistently.  
>  Gil: What do you MEAN, hide all the booze and women?

“Ha!”

“Shut _up_ , DuPree!”

“Aw, come on, Gil! If he’s going off of Paris, that’s _exactly_ what he’d think!”

“I don’t care! Shut up! Sh—ow, stop pulling on my hair, DuPree, quit it!”

“Never!”

> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:08 PM  
>  dmvek has been trying for like a year to haul out the england plotline and everyone keeps getting sidetracked
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 11:08 PM  
>  the entire train arc was a sidequest that got massively out of hand, wasn't it

Klaus scribbles furiously.

 _What did the Corbettites_ do?!

> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:08 PM  
>  oh of course
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:09 PM  
>  Gil tells Klaus about how Tarvek made him an antagonist npc and Klaus asks for a demonstration of the voice.  
>  Tarvek is GOOD at voices.
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:09 PM  
>  he rolled on the random encounter table and got [An Ally from your past...] [...for Krosp.] and then rolled on another table for what it was and its an assload of bears

Klaus is ignoring the part about Tarvek imitating him to make fun of both himself and Gil, mostly because Klaus is vaguely tempted to strangle something.

What kind of quantity is ‘an assload’ supposed to be?!

That’s not metric, not imperial, not _anything a reasonable or sane person would use, spark or no._

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:09 PM  
>  Like, surprisingly good at the lady voices, too.  
>  An assload is a very useful quantity.
> 
> **Void** Wednesday at 11:09 PM  
>  i'm so sorry that my immediate reaction to the lady voices was "oh, like griffin mcelroy"
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:10 PM  
>  Do you think DMvek sews?  
>  He probably cosplays.  
>  He has a special outfit JUST for DMing.  
>  He dresses up like his in-game self and refuses to answer questions about why.
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:10 PM  
>  The answer is because he's a nerd
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:10 PM  
>  I mean, they're all nerds.  
>  But Tarvek goes to comic con in a screen-accurate Firefly cosplay.
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:10 PM  
>  the answer is because tarvek is a messy drama lover
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:11 PM  
>  What does Tarvek dress as when his in game self has been kidnapped?
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:11 PM  
>  whatever they forced his character into
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:11 PM  
>  Othar Tryggvassen
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:12 PM  
>  Honestly why doesn't Gil just hire Othar to help him save Tarvek.
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:12 PM  
>  Because Othar
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:12 PM  
>  i mean look what happened the last time he was supposed to rescue a prince

Bang leans in to Gil. “When was Tryggvassen supposed to rescue a prince?”

“I don’t know.”

“...why would you want to rescue Squeally?”

“Because he’s a _chronic damsel in distress, apparently.”_

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:13 PM  
>  DMvek has a big poster with OTHAR TRYGVASSEN, Gentleman Adventurer on it.
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:13 PM  
>  I wish I had a nice bass voice so that I could record a clip of how OTHAR TRYGVASSEN, Gentleman Adventurer sounds in my head.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:13 PM  
>  If Gentleman Adventurer isn't said in the most unnervingly sexy voice anyone's ever heard, then what's the POINT  
>  TBH what you really need to consider is the mental image of Tarvek TRYING to do  
>  [booming bass voice] OTHAR TRYGVASSEN  
>  [sexy bass voice] Gentleman Adventurer  
>  But failing miserably because he's a teenager and his voice keeps cracking.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:14 PM  
>  Which character alternately rolls NOTHING but ones and twenties?
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:14 PM  
>  Gil
> 
> **ProfessorESsPA** Wednesday at 11:14 PM  
>  Oh that's definitely Gil
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:14 PM  
>  Gil  
>  Agatha keeps rolling like 19
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:14 PM  
>  Violetta rolls 12s and 13s when she needs 6s and 7's, and vice versa.  She is So Annoyed.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:14 PM  
>  Krosp rolls weirdly high
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:14 PM  
>  Krosp actually dies a few times but Tarvek's just like "No, no, he's got nine lives, he's still in the game."  
>  They're all delighted by the ridiculous inside joke that is Krosp Playing DnD.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:15 PM  
>  none of the players object
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:15 PM  
>  Martellus does.  
>  But Martellus objects to like 90% of what Tarvek does anyway, so.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:15 PM  
>  Nobody cares
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:15 PM  
>  Basically.  
>  Even Seffie doesn't care this time.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:15 PM  
>  Nobody cares Martellus, go home before Tarvek makes your character fuck up again
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:16 PM  
>  The cat is cute, Tweedle, shut up and let him keep playing.
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:16 PM  
>  (Krosp sits on Seffie's lap and scratches Martellus whenever he can get away with it.)
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:16 PM  
>  Tarvek makes a cute coat for Krosp during the circus arc.  
>  Krosp wasn't MEANT to be part of the game, but he knocked a die off the table during their second session, way back when it was just Agatha and Gil and Tarvek messing around with a mini-campaign because they had nothing better to do, and then he KEPT DOING IT, so Tarvek just... worked it into gameplay.
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:17 PM  
>  I have a real important question: Who has a series of weird dice rolls that leads to them unexpectedly romancing a character?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:17 PM  
>  ...Is Von Zinzer an NPC or a player?
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:17 PM  
>  originally an npc but Agathas basement tenant joins in during the castle arc because he heard that it was really fun
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:17 PM  
>  Tarvek's like: And everyone keeps calling you her chief minion.

“Wait,” Gil says, staring at the screen. _“Von Zinzer?”_

“Who?” Bang asks. “Wait, no, am I supposed to care? I feel like I’m not.”

“He’s the soldier that my father thought was the spark,” Gil says. “He thought Agatha was Von Zinzer’s _girlfriend_.”

“Wow, bet you’re glad _that_ didn’t work out.”

“Bang, he became her chief minion!” Gil shouts, pointing at the little screen. _“And I gave him a suicide pill!”_

Bang looks at the screen again, and then back at Gil. “Maybe he didn’t eat it.”

“He got sent to Castle Heterodyne!”

“You’re being really annoying,” Bang tells him. “Stop that.”

“I completely messed up—mmph! Dmmphmmh!”

Bang keeps her hand over Gil’s mouth. “This is the nice option, Gil. The other one involves my knives and your voice box.”

She pauses, and then leans in and grins as wide as she can. _“Please_ make me use the other option. I’m sure Klaus would understand.”

Gil stops trying to talk.

o.o.o.o.o

Klaus writes down the words **_CHIEF MINION!!!_ ** And underlines them three times.

He’s fairly certain he’s seen this information before.

He still hates it.

> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:17 PM  
>  Von Zinzer romances like five people by accident.
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:18 PM  
>  hes a mechanic irl and agatha keeps him around because hes a whiz with her old fashioned boiler
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:18 PM  
>  Von Zinzer: I AM NOT A MINION
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:18 PM  
>  I feel like he's probably a few years older than the main group, like Bang and Van?  
>  Like, mid-college instead of high school.
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:19 PM  
>  yep  
>  ex-mil, though he was an REMF
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:19 PM  
>  And, while his character hates being a minion, IRL Von Zinzer finds it hilarious.  
>  Ooooh, that works too.  
>  Hm, honorable discharge following an injury?
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:19 PM  
>  he deployed, fixed two trucks, then got his ass blown up
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:19 PM  
>  He's doing Uni on the GI bill or something?
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:20 PM  
>  sounds good  
>  any bitching his character does about militaries is 100% fueled by real stuff
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:20 PM  
>  Also I love the idea that Bang and Van and Von Zinzer are all being low-key trusted by the Real Adults to keep these teens from doing something stupid.

“I’m sorry, they trust you to _what?”_

“Hey, I can be responsible!”

“For _arson_ , maybe!”

o.o.o.o.o

Klaus wouldn’t trust DuPree with a pet rock, let alone a teenaged version of his son.

> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:20 PM  
>  BANG???
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:20 PM  
>  LISTEN  
>  SHE WILL KEEP THEM FROM GETTING PREGNANT OR DOING DRUGS
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:21 PM  
>  I mean she would stop them from doing something mildly stupid
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:21 PM  
>  THAT'S ENOUGH FOR KLAUS
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:21 PM  
>  but when you get to BIG STUPID like trying to take over the world  
>  okay fair  
>  Bang no doubt has many condoms
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:21 PM  
>  Bang, every time she sees people getting too chummy: Really? Right in front of my salad?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Wednesday at 11:22 PM  
>  Someone jokingly suggests drugs and Bang is just like "Hey Gil, I've got your dad on Snapchat."

“What’s a snapchat?”

“I don’t _know_ , DuPree. I don’t _know.”_

“He’s right, I _would_ keep you from getting pregnant or doing dr… actually, no, it depends on the drugs.”

“Model of responsibility here.”

“I have knives, Gil. You keep forgetting that!”

> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:22 PM  
>  I bet Bang is that embarrassing person who's just #incredibly reasonable about sex: "If you're going to fuck, here's some condoms, a dental dam, and some lube."
> 
> **Zillow** Wednesday at 11:22 PM  
>  Gil, if you're going to fuck Tarvek, tell me if he still has those scars!
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:22 PM  
>  Gil, blushing a lot: BANG  
>  "Yes, thats what im referring to!"
> 
> **Prima Donna** Wednesday at 11:23 PM  
>  "We'll take Agatha for a chaperone!"  
>  "Do you really think I believe that will lead to anything but a threesome?"
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Wednesday at 11:23 PM  
>  Agatha, who had been hoping for that threesome: "curses"

Bang turns to Gil with a slow, wide grin that only gets wider.

“Don’t.”

“Just because he’s a damsel in distress, huh.”

“Shut up.”

_“He’s just some annoying guy you hate, huh.”_

_“DuPree! Shut u—no no no put the knife_ **_away oh hell get away from the dingbot!”_ **

Bang just cackles and lunges.

Oh man, she is going to _destroy_ Gil with this.


	9. Gil Salvages Part of His Reputation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gil is the literal Prince of putting his foot in his mouth. He makes almost every mistake in the book. The fact that his current attempts at making friends can't be smoothed over with sparky charisma makes it much, much harder to manage his reputation, make friends, and influence people.
> 
> He's working on it, though.
> 
> (Also, the rating jumps. Because reasons. Check the notes.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: discussions of genitalia in the context of building a construct, mentions of fetishized vivisection (unrelated to the genitalia thing)

The trip to Paris normally takes two and a half days. With the winds against them, it’s closer to four.

Bang and Gil spend most of the time trapped together in a cramped space with little to do but spar together and use the dingbot. Wooster enters and leaves as he switches off with some of Bang’s girls for piloting the ship, and Bang pokes him to ask about whether he’s met Trelawney Thorpe. He has, of course. Gil knew that before the dingbot.

It still feels weird to see him say it _now_ , though.

“Have they said anything interesting?” Bang asks, juggling some knives. She hasn’t cut herself once, despite the fact that Gil’s sure he’s seen her come way too close a few times already.

“Not really,” Gil says. He’s been keeping an eye on things, tried to drop a few comments once or twice, but mostly just… what was the term they used? Lurking? He lurks.

“Why don’t _you_ say anything?” Bang asks.

“It’s not a community I’m overly familiar with,” Gil says. He considers the responses he’d gotten a few times. “And the last time I tried to correct someone, they told me I was being rude and that they’d already established earlier in the conversation that they were ignoring the fact I’d brought up for the sake of the, er, AU.”

Bang stares at him. “...really?”

Gil shrugs. “Trying to engage in a conversation without reading what’s already written is apparently a bad idea. So is correcting people, depending on how you do it. So is… I don’t know how to put it other than acting overly familiar and established without actually taking time to settle in? Like, you trying to stab me as a way of saying hello is normal for _us_ , but if you did it to someone that’s never met you before, they’d probably just die, or I’d get in the way and then there’d be screaming.”

“You say that like I haven’t actually done it,” Bang says. “And I have. And it was funny.”

“And you didn’t actually care about making a friendship with that person or getting anything out of them that you couldn’t just get by being scary,” Gil points out. “Which is _not_ the case here, because I don’t _actually_ want these people to dislike me. I… actually, I asked one person in a private message what I’d done wrong, the time I corrected someone and got snapped at? Apparently my phrasing was considered overly aggressive and condescending. They also mentioned that the community was under the impression that I might be… I think the term they used was ‘homophobic,’ but essentially that I was disgusted or disturbed by the idea of same-sex relationships.”

Bang blinks. Then she blinks again. “You… but you like boys, sometimes.”

“Yes, DuPree, I’m aware. I even told them that, in the private messages. I haven’t said it publicly, though, so the rest still think I’m homophobic.”

_“...what?”_

“Apparently ducking out of a conversation on why they insist on ‘shipping’ me with Sturmvoraus was a bad sign,” Gil complains, with air quotes and everything. He taps the dingbot. “So I’m trying to figure out how to talk to them without being rude, how to not walk into conversations I don’t actually want to be around for, and how to salvage that whole situation.”

“You think too much.”

“So you’ve said before,” Gil muttered. “I’ll see what I can do today. We’ve still got time until Paris.”

“Why not just mention that you, or like, the story you that they talk about, liked some guy before? Just not Sturmvoraus?” Bang suggested. “Still two dudes, but it’s not the thing that makes me want to laugh at you for a few hours.”

Gil considers that, and then… “I might have an idea.”

He opens the chat, goes to dull-titled channel that hasn’t seen any activity since yesterday, and starts typing.

“What’s your name here?” Bang asked, leaning over his shoulder again.

“Lobster friend,” Gil mutters. “I figured I needed a pseudonym, went with something ridiculous. Turns out it fits in with the rest, though.”

“That’s lame,” Bang says.

Gil rolls his eyes, finishes typing, considers what he wrote to see if it seems to match the rest of the server in tone… and hits send.

Bang reads it, and then looks at him. “Wait, really?”

“I’m over it,” Gil says. “He’s with Sleipnir, anyway.”

> **Lobster Friend** Today at 1:14 AM  
>  Gil had a partly-requited crush on Theo before Paris and I will take no arguments
> 
> **Ultra** Today at 1:14 AM  
>  ...define partly-requited.
> 
> **Lobster Friend** Today at 1:15 AM  
>  He was still struggling with the idea of liking men and left for Paris before he could ask Theo out in any meaningful way, but did have a drunken makeout with him and Sleipnir.
> 
> **wallcrawl** Today at 1:15 AM  
>  _Nice._
> 
> **angelcake524** Today at 1:15 AM  
>  i can dig it
> 
> **Lobster Friend** Today at 1:16 AM  
>  This… may or may not be based on a personal experience that I only just paralleled to the canon.
> 
> **hereticalgem** Today at 1:16 AM  
>  Mood.

“What do they mean by that?” Bang asks.

Gil shrugs. “That they… relate, somehow, I think.”

“There’s a lot of annoying slang here.”

“I _know_ , DuPree.”

Gil manages to keep the conversation going a little longer, treading carefully to make sure he… well, to make sure he doesn’t talk like a spark, mostly. Condescending and lecturing have been _very_ poorly received before. He’d rather not push everyone into ignoring him by talking as a spark but without the charisma to smooth ruffled feathers.

Also, he finds out that apparently these people really _will_ ship anything, because they also get him talking about Wooster (one time, he was curious and a little tipsy, and Ardsley offered and had _experience_ , and… well, things happened, and Gil didn’t regret it). Gil offers some more little snippets of memory, including how he’d angled to get partnered with Theo during lessons as a teenager, first because Theo was one of the only _nice_ kids, and then because… well, it was a very nice smile.

“You’re blushing,” Bang informs him.

“Shut up,” Gil orders. “I… shut up.”

“So if the Heterodyne hadn’t shown up…” Bang prompted.

“Shut _up_ ,” Gil grinds out.

“I’m just saying.”

Gil clenches his jaw and changes channels. There’s a hell of a backlog this time, something about footnotes and pre-chapter epistolary from the novels, and Gil understands maybe half of the context on their world, but he at least recognizes some of the things they quote. There’s the story of the snake constructs and his father, and then they bring up that _incredibly_ vulgar tavern song about Castle Wulfenbach.

> **Sneaks** Today at 1:24 AM  
>  If nothing else, we do have the Castle’s word that the song is… accurate.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 1:24 AM  
>  I… don’t remember the scene in question.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:24 AM  
>  The joke about Wulfenbachs being known for the size of their deathrays
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 1:25 AM  
>  We _really_ need to find the Foglios at a con and ask the Wulfencock question
> 
> **Macnamara** Today at 1:25 AM  
>  The what
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 1:26 AM  
>  I’m sorry the WHAT
> 
> **ribosome** Today at 1:26 AM  
>  WHOMST
> 
> **Lobster Friend** Today at 1:27 AM  
>  Do I actually want to know
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 1:27 AM  
>  OKAY SO  
>  The sfw version is… well, Klaus is made up of three brothers sewn together
> 
> **ribosome** Today at 1:27 AM  
>  ???
> 
> **wallcrawl** Today at 1:28 AM  
>  It was in the secret blueprints or something
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 1:28 AM  
>  Right, he was in an accident that blew up all three of them, and their mom went full-fugue and sewed them all back up into one person. I think there was just one intact head and she salvaged what she could.
> 
> **wallcrawl** Today at 1:28 AM  
>  I can’t remember how much was confirmed but basically that yeah
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 1:29 AM  
>  So the question is… did she use the phallus that matched the head? Could she even _tell_ which one belonged to who? Is Klaus genetically the uncle of his own children by way of having someone else’s junk?
> 
> **Lobster Friend** Today at 1:29 AM  
>  _Why_
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:30 AM  
>  We’re nerds who read into things way too much and have an nsfw channel for a reason  
>  We _need_ to know
> 
> **Sneaks** Today at 1:31 AM  
>  **@Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** if the foglios came to nycc I would 100% be down. phrasing of it though: "Is Klaus technically Gil's uncle, or is he the original owner of the Wulfencock?"
> 
> **the pretty elderly lesbian** Today at 1:32 AM  
>  wouldn't it be more accurate to ask about the original owner of the wulfenballs, actually?  
>  seeing as the wulfencock is really just the delivery mechanism, if you will
> 
> **Sneaks** Today at 1:32 AM  
>  true.
> 
> **Bork Mitzvah** Today at 1:33 AM  
>  less punny though
> 
> **angelcake524** Today at 1:33 AM **  
> ** What if Klaus’s og dick one ball from each brother and Gil and zeetha are each from a different ball
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 1:34 AM  
>  Good heavens you’ve all put thought into this
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 1:35 AM  
>  These are the questions that keep us up at night.
> 
> **ribosome** Today at 1:35 AM  
>  Wait  
>  If that’s the sfw version  
>  What’s the nsfw version
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 1:36 AM  
>  …………………..  
>  Listen  
>  We never said his mom used _only one_  
>  She probably had backups of other organs, right? There’s more than one heart left intact, sure, add it in, maybe he’ll need it.  
>  And if she _did_ use more than one  
>  Then were they end to end or all stemming from the same general area?
> 
> **Void** Today at 1:37 AM  
>  OKAY INTO NSFW YOU GO  
>  COME ON GUYS  
>  THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTH TIME WE’VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION IN A SFW CHANNEL
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 1:27 AM  
>  IT’S A GOOD FUCKING CONVERSATION

“Holy _shit,"_ Bang whispers, sounding amused and breathless and like she’s way too close to Gil’s ear.

Gil’s still staring at the screen in horror.

“Do _you_ know the answer?” Bang asks him, because she can’t leave well enough alone.

“NO!” Gil shouts. “I DON’T! AND I DON’T WANT TO!”

Bang grins at him, waiting.

“What?”

“You can’t stop thinking about it, can you?”

Gil buries his face in his hands and screams a little.

Bang cackles and pulls the dingbot towards her. Gil can’t even bring himself to pull it back.

“Let’s see what’s in those nsfw channels.”

“Bang, _no.”_

She ignores him, but he’s not trying very hard in the first place.

“... _wow,”_ she says, which is pretty worrying in itself. “Huh. I might actually read some of what they write.”

“Do I want to know?”

“Apparently they think you’d be pretty into it if the Heterodyne chit and Sturmvoraus vivisected you,” Bang says. “With permission, which is boring, but… _wow_ that’s not what I _expected_ from civilians! There’s _paragraphs_ about it.”

Gil groans.

“They want you to make out with the Heterodyne while she’s got her hand in your chest, literally holding your heart, because you all got curious about the stuff your dad did to your body and then got distracted halfway through,” Bang summarizes. “I’m going to read the rest of this **_#nsfw_dark_ ** channel, it looks fun.”

“What did I do to be put in this situation,” Gil asks the ceiling. “Why do I have to hear this?”

“Are you saying you _wouldn’t_ be into it?” Bang asks.

 _“I’m saying I don’t want other people speculating about it!”_ Gil exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “What, are they writing entire harlequin penny sparklies in there?!”

Bang blinks at him, and then looks back down. “...I kind of want to know that myself.”

“That was a rhetorical que—”

“Oh, I could ask if any of them _know_ where you can find stories where you can get it on with all those Sparky crushes,” Bang says, grinning wide. “They can _probably_ tell you what to search for, right?”

“Please don’t.”

Bang snorts at him, and keeps clicking through. “Wait, you can’t see any pictures, right?”

“No.”

“Damn, someone tried to add something as a picture and I can’t see it,” Bang mutters. “Gil, I’m bored, make them talk about me.”

“It’s past midnight for most of them,” Gil says. “I’m pretty sure they’re mostly asleep.”

“But that’s boring!”

_“Do I look like I care?!”_

o.o.o.o.o

Klaus’s face is resting on the table when Boris walks in. He doesn’t bother to lift it.

“...sir?”

“This creation is a curse,” Klaus says. He pats the dingbot. “A clever one that has been very useful, but still a curse.”

“How so?”

Klaus lifts his head, a deathly glare carved into the deep features of his face. “I just ran into a conversation that had a _number_ of young adults discussing the status of my groin.”

“...well,” Boris says. “I’ve been told that it is… the subject of a number of tavern songs.”

Klaus rubs at his temples. “I’ve heard those before, Boris. This was infinitely worse.”

“I’m sure,” Boris says, placating. “I do have some paperwork that requires a look, Herr Baron. Perhaps someone else can look over the dingbot?”

Klaus nods slowly, pulling the papers towards himself, and tries to shunt the Wulfencock conversation from his mind.

(He knows the answer, of course, but that doesn’t mean he wants _other people thinking about it.)_

He does paperwork for an hour, heads out to do some more experiments on the revenant corpses from Passholdt, and then has a private meeting with Zulenna.

The girl is alive. She is even healthy. There’s barely any scarring, which is rare for the revived, and Klaus would be proud of how well he saved her if not for the haunted look in her eyes. He regrets that it was necessary for many reasons. She is too young.

(He says this from experience. There are nightmares after revivification, more often than not. The post-mortem amnesia is recorded and easy to measure, but the nightmares are… well, most don’t like to talk about that. Amnesia is hard to hide. Nightmares are necessary.)

(Klaus still has them.)

“...how are you feeling?” he asks.

She gives him a confused look, even a little derisive, like she not only can’t believe what he’s asking, but that even if he is asking, that he _means_ it.

“As well as can be expected,” she says.

“The nightmares?” he asks.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says stiffly, chin high, eyes focused over his shoulder.

“I died when I was sixteen,” Klaus says, sees her jerk in her chair and focus on him. “They stay with you. Dying is not as peaceful as many would have you believe.”

“...I’m dealing with them,” Zulenna finally says. “I’ve been speaking with Mistress Von Pinn. She’s been… very invested in my recovery.”

“Hovering, you mean.”

Zulenna nods sharply, but says nothing.

Klaus shuffles his papers a little, and then sighs and laces his fingers atop his desk. “Your death has disqualified you from your title and inheritance.”

Zulenna focuses on his hands, pretends that she isn’t clenching her jaw, and nods. “Indeed.”

“Your family still plans to care for you, and reinstate you as an advisor, if nothing else?” Klaus prods.

Zulenna nods again. “I am useful, even if I… am no longer royal.”

“Diplomacy?”

“Yes.”

“Primarily with the Wulfenbach Empire, given that you are already, in effect, stationed here.”

“Yes.”

“And you are willing to work with or even for me, if you find it reasonable?”

“Yes, Herr Baron.”

Klaus nods slowly, and then unlaces his fingers. He sits up, crosses his arms, and stares down his nose at the no-longer-princess.

“You are from a Valois branch. Good at keeping secrets but not, I think, loyal enough to me and mine to keep them from your family.”

Zulenna opens her mouth, closes it, and a splotchy redness enters her cheeks as she wrinkles her nose. Is she about to cry? She might be. Klaus doesn’t know how to deal with a crying young woman. She takes in a shaky breath and says, “I believe in the goal of the Empire, Herr Baron. I… I care for my family, but beyond the immediate, I do not _trust_ them.”

Klaus snorts. “That, I can believe. Would you be willing to take on a position that requires secrecy from all but a select few, and would help your family and the empire in the long run? It would require diplomacy, yes, and your lack of a title may help more than you expect. Your missions, should you choose to accept it, may very well put your life in danger, but will likely save many, many more.”

Zulenna stares at him. Her knuckles are white from how tightly she’s gripping the armrests, and he’s still a little concerned that she’s going to start crying. She closes her eyes, takes a sharp, deep inhale, and says, “I accept.”

 _Good._ Klaus nods to himself, and then says, “Agatha Heterodyne is alive.”

Zulenna’s eyes fly open. “What?!”

Klaus flips over a paper and pushes it towards her. “She faked her death, and has been travelling in secrecy since she escaped the castle. While I have the capacity to find her and bring her in, recent events have suggested that a more… diplomatic approach may be necessary.”

Zulenna stares at him.

“...I would not be surprised if the current circumstances were only a possibility from your own sacrifice,” Klaus offers. “You did not hold us up by long, but she escaped by mere seconds. You succeeded.”

Oh, she’s crying. That’s. Hm. He sure doesn’t know what to do about this.

She wipes angrily at her eyes, teeth bared, and says, “What do you need to have done?”

“I need you to await her in Mechanicsburg,” Klaus says. “I want to open up negotiations with her. Mechanicsburg was meant to be divorced from the empire upon the return of the Heterodyne and the ringing of the Doom Bell. The jagers will be loyal to her, and will be released from Empire service, and soon. I need to open negotiations, and with her city being what it is, her army being what they are, and her being _herself,_ I cannot afford to alienate her with a blunt show of force. The more willing she is to work with me, the more stable the transition will be… and the more likely _both_ our holdings are to make it through unscathed.”

Zulenna reaches for the paper, hesitates, and then snatches it up as quickly as she can. Her eyes scan over it quickly, brow pinched, and she bites her lip as she goes through it.

It’s the preliminary treaty Klaus has drawn up. He knows what’s going on, more or less. He cannot risk Mechanicsburg and, given the number of times he’s seen the server ruminate on her being a nascent god queen, or, heavens above, the _time loops_ and how intrinsic she is to destroying Lucrezia…

He can’t risk making an enemy of her.

(The fact that he’s grown fond of her, conceptually, is irrelevant.)

(The fact that Gil is still a little in love with the idea of the girl is _beyond_ irrelevant.)

“This all looks… fairly reasonable,” Zulenna admits.

“You won’t have negotiating power,” Klaus tells her. “But you will be the one to convince her to speak with me, if she’s reluctant, to tell her that I intend the best for both her town and the empire, that I _am_ willing to compromise, and… well, I would also be sending the Jägergenerals, if I could send them into town. As I can’t, you will be leading her to them, and they will aid her in negotiations.”

“I… I barely know the generals,” Zulenna says. “I’m fairly certain she already knows them better than I do. I’ve encountered them in passing, but no more.”

“You’ll have some time to rectify that,” Klaus tells her. “I’ll be introducing you properly, explaining the situation, and moving forward as necessary.”

“They _do_ know she’s alive, right?” Zulenna asks. “Er, Herr Baron. Sir.”

Klaus quirks a small smile, something that apparently shocks her. “Through no effort of my own, yes. I’m fairly sure they’re more than aware that she’s alive, and have been since before I found out myself. They may not, however, be aware that I know.”

“I see,” Zulenna says. She sounds a little faint. It’s better than crying, at least.

“You accepted the mission already,” Klaus says. “But might I ask if there are any second thoughts on your mind?”

Zulenna draws herself up straight, and looks him dead in the eye. It’s a little impressive, despite the redness of her eyes and the splotching of her cheeks. She’s got an inner strength that he doesn’t think got much of a chance to see the light of day in the school. “I already accepted, and I trust in the nature of the mission. I will see it through.”

Klaus doesn’t grin, but he comes as close as he’s capable of, these days. “Let’s go over the rest of the details, then. You will be reporting to Boris Dolokhov until you make contact with Miss Heterodyne, at which point you will be reporting directly to me.”

o.o.o.o.o

 **_#au_talk_ **  

> **Count Coward** Today at 3:21 PM  
>  I’ve been considering something recently, and I would like to hear how you all would work with the concept. I won’t be writing it, but it’s been on my mind.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:21 PM  
>  Can’t promise we’ll be useful, but let’s hear it!
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:21 PM  
>  [chinhands]
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 3:22 PM  
>  hell yeah
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:23 PM  
>  If the Baron were to send someone to Mechanicsburg to meet with Agatha ahead of himself, to open negotiations in a peaceful manner without intimidating her, what would you say the biggest risks are?  
>  Assume that Sturmhalten was avoided (perhaps Passholdt was discovered and neutralized early), that the person being sent is someone that’s had previous contact with her (maybe Zulenna) and wants to make this work, that it’s meant in good faith, and that there are plans to put her directly in contact with the Jägergenerals so she has experienced negotiators in her corner.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:25 PM  
>  That is… very specific  
>  You _have_ put a lot of thought into this
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:25 PM  
>  _Oooooooooooh_ _  
> _ I like it
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 3:26 PM  
>  Oh man, so if Passholdt was neutralized… Zola probably hasn’t mobilized yet, and Aaronev’s group isn’t aware either. That’s good.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:26 PM  
>  He doesn’t know who to point her at.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:27 PM  
>  Expand on that?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:27 PM  
>  Well, he’d probably try to place Zulenna with the burgermeister, right?  
>  But the real power with the town, the real _people_ Zulenna needs to convince before she can actually talk to Agatha, are the real, hereditary powers of Mechanicsburg. Von Mekkhans, the Castle, and Gkika.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:28 PM  
>  Ah, yes. He’d dismiss the Castle as too broken, and the others as dead.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:28 PM  
>  Exactly!  
>  That said, you _did_ say something about the Jägergenerals?
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:28 PM  
>  They would be involved in the plan.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:29 PM  
>  They might help, if they think he’s being legit
> 
> **Surgeon Matoi** Today at 3:29 PM  
>  Point her at Gkika’s or at Van?
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 3:29 PM  
>  I’m want to say Gkika’s, but I _think_ they might actually point her at, like, Van’s mom?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:29 PM  
>  OH I LIKE THAT
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 3:29 PM  
>  And then let things go from there.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:30 PM  
>  Because she is legally still alive and has plausible deniability for remaining involved in town politics, yes?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:30 PM  
>  Basically yeah  
>  Why Zulenna, btw?
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:32 PM  
>  A peer who had a positive interaction with Agatha just before her death, is invested in both the health of the empire and Agatha’s well-being, is looking for a way to prove herself and still be useful despite the loss of her title and inheritance, did not leave the ship or get sent home as most of the other students Agatha’s age did, and who is clever and capable of diplomacy without resorting to anything as questionable as what you might see from, say, a Sturmvoraus.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:33 PM  
>  WOW you thought this through
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:33 PM  
>  I like it!
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:34 PM  
>  Thank you  
>  So the best course of action would be to direct Zulenna towards Vanamonde’s mother?
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:34 PM  
>  If you were to write it, yeah. I’d say it provides a smooth plot transition towards a climactic intentional meeting where Van can introduce Agatha to the Baron’s representative or whatever.
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 3:35 PM  
>  Oh, Violetta might find out and report back on the situation?  
>  Getting the Valois involved.
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:35 PM  
>  That is… very plausible.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:36 PM  
>  So the biggest risks are… Zulenna getting sent to the figurehead government instead of the one that actually matters, Violetta finding out and getting word back to someone who might interfere, and… what’s Gil doing in this situation?
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:36 PM  
>  He may not know Agatha is alive.
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:36 PM  
>  :dammitklaus:
> 
> **SurgeonMatoi** Today at 3:37 PM  
>  :dammitklaus:
> 
> **That’s Science!** Today at 3:37 PM  
>  :dammitklaus:
> 
> **Miss Trixie, Gay for Spaceships** Today at 3:37 PM  
>  So yeah, Gil finding out and trying to be a big damn hero would probably be relevant, unless he’s distracted with Adam and Lilith.
> 
> **Count Coward** Today at 3:38 PM  
>  He probably is distracted, so there’s at least that.
> 
> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 3:39 PM  
>  His “saving people thing” is pretty strong  
>  That’s not super relevant to the discussion, just the “big damn hero” bit
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:39 PM  
>  “Saving people thing”  
>  I mean, if we’re talking Harry Potter AUs…
> 
> **Endless Flamingo** Today at 3:40 PM  
>  His first instinct is to tackle Agatha out of the way of a bomb!  
>  And all the stuff in Paris, too.  
>  Even just trying to track Agatha down in the first place was him intending to come Rescue Her from wherever she'd ended up when she fled
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:41 PM  
>  You’re right lol  
>  I’m just trying to think of a Harry Potter AU and it’s… mostly just that Agatha _would_ be Harry except her foster parents were pretty much amazing
> 
> **EndlessFlamingo** Today at 3:42 PM  
>  **_#crossovers_ ** maybe?
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 3:42 PM  
>  Sure, I’ve got time.

o.o.o.o.o

**_#au_talk_ **

> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 9:24 PM  
>  It's dead siblings crack ship hour, does anyone feel like spitballing stupid KBnevka aus with me
> 
> **Lobster Friend** Today at 9:24 PM  
>  KBnevka?
> 
> **ribosome** Today at 9:24 PM  
>  I have no idea what “dead siblings crack ship” means but I’m curious
> 
> **angelcake524** Today at 9:24 PM  
>  ive seen this on tumblr and around the server and i need to see the conversation in action  
>  walk me through it
> 
> **ProfessorESsPa** Today at 9:25 PM  
>  OKAY LET’S DO THIS

Bang tucked her head over Gil’s shoulder. “What’s that?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“...gonna stick around to find out?”

“I honestly don’t have anything better to do,” Gil grumbled. “So yes. I think I am.”


End file.
